


Not So Platonic

by mollieblack



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Consent, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cute, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dancing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Healthy Relationships, Implied Past Child Abuse, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-08 13:36:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 65,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11647635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollieblack/pseuds/mollieblack
Summary: Fake relationship and Soulmate AU mix where Dan's sure he's straight and finds that Phil's his soulmate. He figures they must just be platonic soulmates, but when Phil's mum cries because she's so happy for her son, they decide to play along just for her, and it quickly becomes clear that they're not just platonic. Now Dan has to go through a sexuality crisis, and figure out how to progress things with Phil, who he'd made it VERY clear to that he wasn't interested in guys.Prompt from Anon on Tumblr





	1. Chapter 1

Dan wasn't homophobic. He wasn't. It was just that PJ was his best friend and he'd always figured that they were similar and PJ would be straight too, so when Dan watched PJ find his soulmate in the new boy at school, Chris, he was shocked. That was all it was. Surprise. 

Of course Dan had known the writing on his best friend's arm by heart, the  _ **'Wow, Mrs. Smith is a bitch.'**_ It'd been a pretty funny mark, seeing as Mrs. Smith had been their teacher for the past four years, always asking PJ why he'd wear long sleeves during the summer, but Dan knew there was no way PJ would let her see the tattoo on his forearm, even though it wasn't him who said it. He wasn't surprised when it happened that day. PJ had been itching his arm all day, complaining that the itch had gotten so bad recently. Dan heard the quote spoken and immediately looked to the new kid's arm, getting a brief glance of  ** _'I dunno, she's alright.'_** until he heard PJ speak those words and watched the tattoo disappear. Dan's mouth widened as he watched the boys realize what had just happened, and then fall into rushed introductions and giggles. 

Dan didn't mind separating from his best friend while he met his new soulmate, only reconvening with them at lunch. They sat down and Dan was doing his best not to show his surprise at PJ's soulmate being a guy, when PJ explained that they didn't feel any romantic connection, that they were platonic soulmates. Dan nodded then, feeling like the earth had been put back on track, and everything made sense again. He felt a little bad for them, people whose soulmates were platonic rarely found romantic life partners, and even if they did, it'd never be as strong a connection as romantic soulmates, but at least it was something. Some people didn't find their soulmate until they were old, though the world did seem to work in strange ways, and many people would meet theirs when they were between eighteen and twenty. Dan was hoping for that, having turned eighteen just recently. 

Sure, PJ was his best friend, but that was only because Dan didn't have any other friends. They got along and they'd known each other forever, but they didn't hang out much outside of school, and Dan still felt alone in the world. He sighed inwardly, realizing he'd be pretty fine having a platonic soulmate, he just wanted someone to be close to and to share his life with. 

The rest of the day passed by slowly, and soon Dan was walking home, entering the quiet house and eating a silent dinner with his parents who were busy on their phones, not speaking a word. After eating Dan washed up and then headed upstairs, putting on an anime and picking absently at the tattoo on his arm. it'd started itching recently and he couldn't help but hope that he was close to meeting his soulmate, though every time he thought of the quote he couldn't quite imagine who she'd be or what situation they must meet in, because the words were so absurd. 

Dan's tattoo read,  ** _'Oh, that's alright. Did you know that cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream laying down?'_** Dan had no idea what his meeting with his soulmate would be like, but the quote never failed to make him giggle a bit, shaking his head at its absurdity. He didn't know who she was, but he hoped he would soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you guys <3 Thank you for everything :)

Dan's forearm itched. He groaned as he woke up, scratching the skin raw as he got ready for school, then slinging his backpack over his shoulder and starting the walk there.

It'd been a week since PJ and Chris had met, and so when Dan was completely ignored throughout the day, he wasn't surprised. He let it get to him sometimes, feeling lonely and abandoned, but he just had to remind him that of course it was like this. He couldn't be mad, they were freaking  _soulmates_ , of course they were attached at the hip. 

By lunchtime Dan's arm had started bleeding a bit from all the scratching. His face scrunched up in discomfort as he continued itching because he  _couldn't_ stop, watching PJ and Chris through a scowl as Chris gesticulated wildly over some story he was telling PJ, who was doubled over in laughter, tears streaming down his face. 

Dan didn't care. He was fine. It was fine.

By the end of the day Dan was to the point of lightly slapping his forearm instead of itching, because the undersides of his nails were caked with blood and he needed to stop itching. He almost couldn't focus to remember that this was a good thing and probably meant he'd meet his soulmate soon, because it was just so uncomfortable. 

Dan couldn't wait to get home and submerge his arm under water, somehow he felt like that'd help, and then bind it tightly with a shirt to stop the bleeding and make it so he couldn't itch it anymore.

He raced through the halls, squeezing his arm tightly, trying to ignore the fact that PJ hadn't even looked at him once that day, when he rounded a corner without looking and slammed into someone who dropped all their papers, sending them fluttering to the ground around the boy who was now laying there, looking up at Dan with a little breathy laugh. 

"Oh sorry, I didn't see you there." Dan mumbled guiltily, kneeling down next to the boy to help gather his scattered papers. The boy's eyebrows knit together for a second and then he just dropped his head back with a silent chuckle and a shrug. 

"Oh, that's alright. Did you know that cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream laying down?" 

Dan froze. He quickly glanced down at his forearm to check, but sure enough the mark was gone and so was the itching. 

"What?" Dan asked after a second, still confused about the mention of cows.

"Well... if I were a cow right now, maybe I'd be having an awesome dream!" The boy stated, letting his eyes flutter shut for effect.

"Oh." Dan noted, and in all the circumstances he'd imagined, this surely wasn't one of them. "So uh... it's you?"

"Looks that way." the boy smiled, finally sitting up and beginning to collect the papers with Dan. "My name's Phil."

"Uh... Dan."

"Nice to meet you, Dan!" Phil grinned and shoved his hand forward, which Dan took in a nervous shake. The boy's face was so friendly and open, wide blue eyes just shielded by his dark black fringe, pale face dusted with a slight blush from the fall, and soft pink lips tugged up in a smile that leaned to one side as he gazed intently at Dan. 

Dan wasn't sure how to feel. One one hand he was extremely relieved that the itching had gone away. He was also excited to have met his soulmate, it was a life changing experience for everyone, and he was sure it'd change his own life drastically. On the other hand... Phil was a boy. Dan's soulmate was a boy. He couldn't quite wrap his mind around that until he saw PJ and Chris out of the corner of his eye, arms around each other as they chatted enthusiastically, and Dan felt a wave of relief rush through him.

Of course. Phil was his platonic soulmate. Obviously Dan had sort of hoped that he'd find a sweet girl to be his romantic soulmate, someone he could share his life with and marry eventually, but he couldn't turn his nose up at a platonic soulmate. Dan had a hard time coming by friends and it seemed as if he'd lost the only one he had, so this... this was a good thing. It was.

"Well Dan, school's out, do you want to grab some coffee?"

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, that sounds good."

Dan and Phil walked to the nearby Starbucks, both ordering Caramel Macchiatos, which Phil insisted on paying for. They made their way to a table and Dan; shy, antisocial, awkward Dan, found himself getting lost in conversation, smiling and even  _giggling_ at times, and he didn't know what this was, but somehow it was just easy to talk to Phil and they found they had so much in common. Dan supposed that it was due to them being soulmates that conversing was so much easier than he'd ever experienced before, so he decided not to question it and just enjoy the ability to talk without thinking too much. 

Neither of them had used the word 'soulmate' yet, so when Phil said it Dan was somewhat shaken.

"Wow, I really wasn't expecting to meet my soulmate today. I suppose I should have been, what with how much my arm had been itching... but I just never thought it'd happen so soon!" Phil beamed up at Dan and suddenly Dan was overwhelmed with nerves and a voice in his head saying 'platonic, platonic, platonic, platonic'. 

"I'm not gay!" Dan almost yelped and Phil's eyes went wide. Dan immediately looked around to see a few people looking over with eyebrows raised at his mini outburst, and Dan shrunk back. "Sorry uh... I'm just... I'm straight. I think we're just like... platonic soulmates, you know?" he said in a small voice, relieved as the eyes of the strangers around them returned to their previous focuses, leaving Dan. 

"That's alright. I've never... I've never really had a friend before, so platonic soulmates... it sounds good to me." Phil said, shyness overtaking him for the first time since Dan had met him. The shyness was quickly accompanied by a giggle and Dan raised an eyebrow in question. "You know... I've always felt sort of invisible. No one ever seems to notice me, I've never had friends, I'm just sort of... there. So my tattoo always made me laugh a little because it said 'Oh sorry, I didn't see you there.', and just... if even my soulmate didn't notice me, who would?" Phil laughed a little sadly at himself. "But... I'm glad you noticed me... I'm glad I met you, Dan."

A surge of protectiveness surprised Dan as he was immediately compelled to stand up and go to Phil's side of the table to pull him into a hug, rub his back and tell him that everything was alright and that he wasn't invisible, and he had a friend now. He didn't do that, instead just smiling a little sadly at Phil and nodding. 

"I understand... I have one friend, but he found his soulmate and now we never talk. I'm glad I met you too." he smiled and Phil took in a deep breath, shaking his shy exterior and smiling as he moved the conversation on, enthusing about Ghibli which Dan  _loved._

After three hours, Dan had learned that Phil was a new student like Chris, he'd just transferred and was still finding his way around the school. Dan smiled and offered to show him around the next day, to which Phil beamed and pulled him into a hug. Dan felt shivers run through him at the contact with Phil, and when he pulled away he was a bit flushed. They said a quick goodbye and exchanged numbers, and soon Dan was laying in his bed staring at the ceiling, wondering how Phil was going to change his life. 


	3. Chapter 3

When Dan woke up, he almost forgot about the events of the day before. 

He got up regretfully, wishing he could just stay in bed all day, slowly ate a bowl of cereal and took a shower. It wasn't until he was under the burning water that he looked down to see his bare arm, no traces of his soulmate tattoo left, and he remembered the day before. He remembered Phil, and while he was still surprised and a little sad Phil wasn't a girl, he couldn't shake the excitement that poured through him at the thought of his soulmate.

Dan's pace picked up then as he briskly tugged on a nice outfit and slung his backpack over his shoulder. He remembered that he was supposed to show Phil around school, and pulled out his phone, opening up a new text conversation with Phil.

**D: hey**

**P: Good morning! :D**

**D: do you walk to school?**

**P: Yeah, why? :)**

**D: i walk too. what street do you live on, i could come meet you and we could walk together**

**D: sorry that sounded creepy**

**P: Haha no it didn't, that'd be great! I live on Oak Street. :)**

**D: thats only a few blocks away! ill be right there :D**

Dan beamed at his phone, excited that Phil lived only two streets away, and that it was on the way from his house to school. He walked briskly out of his house and into the crisp morning air, making his way down to Oak Street. 

When he arrived, he looked up and down the street and realized maybe he should have asked for an address, or at least a cross street, because he had no idea where on Oak Phil lived. He shrugged and decided to try going left, and began wandering down that way, keeping his eyes out for a boy with black hair, blue eyes, and a galaxy backpack. 

"Dan!" Dan's head snapped up, a smile already plastered across his face at the voice calling his name. Phil only lived two and a half blocks from him! They'd be able to hang out all the time! 

"Hey." Dan responded with a smile, walking up to greet Phil, who was standing on the porch of what Dan assumed was his house. Dan began to walk up to Phil, but he stopped when a man and a woman emerged from the house, the woman ruffling Phil's hair and kissing him atop the head, wishing him a good day at school.

Phil pouted up at the woman with a whiny "Mummmm..." and only then did who Dan assumed were Phil's parents take notice of him.

"Oh!" Phil's dad exclaimed. "Hello! My name's James, what's your name?"

"Oh uh... Dan." Dan responded, feeling the familiar discomfort that came with talking to adults. He and his own parents weren't close, so he just wasn't used to talking to adults, and it always made him nervous.

"Are you a friend of Phil's? Oh, where are my manners? My name is Catherine." Phil's mum apologized, coming forward to shake Dan's hand. 

"Yeah, he's walking me to school. Which we're going to be late to if we don't leave right now!" Phil announced, pushing through his parents and coming to stand beside Dan. 

"Well it's nice to meet you, Dan. You're welcome over here any time." James offered with a smile.

"Oh, yes! It's so nice to see that Phil is making friends. You should come for dinner!" Catherine beamed.

"Uh yeah... maybe." Dan responded, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

"How's tonight?"

"Mum..." Phil protested, slowly inching away from his parents. 

"Uh yeah... I suppose I could come over tonight. If Phil wants me to." Dan responded with a shrug, looking to Phil whose eyebrows shot up in surprise and looked back at Dan with a smile.

"I'd love that."

"We'll see you both for dinner tonight! Have a good day at school!" Catherine shouted after them as she and James got into a car and drove away.

"I'm so sorry about them. They're a bit... much." Phil cringed, clearly embarrassed by his parents.

"No, they're nice." Dan insisted, meaning it, though he had been overwhelmed talking to them. "Oh, guess what?" He continued, excitement coursing through him again.

"What?"

"I only live two and a half blocks away from you!" 

"Really?"

Dan and Phil wore matching grins now, as they walked to school.

"So how come I haven't seen you until yesterday? It's a small school, it's hard to think we don't have  _any_ classes together." Dan wondered aloud.

"Oh uh... I actually missed the first few days of school. My grandma died and we had to travel for her funeral."

"I'm so sorry." 

"It's okay. But yeah, yesterday I was just there to pick up my schedule and syllabi from classes, along with some work I'd missed. Today's my first real day."

Dan was elated when he found out that he and Phil had five out of seven classes together. The only differences were their electives, where Dan was taking music while Phil took art, and Dan was in French while Phil studied German. 

This worked out perfectly, because Dan had always preferred to sit alone in the back in classes, so in the classes where people were allowed to choose their own seats, Dan had always chosen an empty desk in the back, which now allowed room for Phil to join him at his desk. 

They went through the day together, and for the classes they didn't share, Dan walked Phil to the class, giving him a quick hug goodbye which sent shivers through him, then coming back to pick him up from his class and take him to his next one. 

At lunch, Dan brought Phil to the table where Chris and PJ were sat, joining them and introducing Phil. When Chris and PJ found out Dan and Phil were soulmates they freaked out, but Dan quieted them, reminding them that Dan and Phil were only platonic soulmates. Chris and PJ were still elated to hear such good news, and spent the entire lunch period basically interrogating Phil, while Dan turned more and more red, head in his hands out of embarrassment. 

"I'm so sorry about them." Dan whispered as they left lunch, and Phil just shrugged with a giggle.

"I don't mind. They're fun." Dan felt a flood of relief rush through him, and the rest of the day passed smoothly.

At the end of school, Dan and Phil began walking back. 

"Were you serious? About wanting to come for dinner? Because I can always say that you didn't feel good or you changed your mind or..."

"No, I was serious. I'd like to come over... if you're sure you're okay with that." Dan assured Phil with a smile which only grew when Phil began beaming at Dan's response.

"I'd love that."

They made their way into Phil's home, and the entire thing just felt  _cozy._

"My parents won't be home until five thirty, so we have the house to ourselves for a few hours." Phil smiled as Dan looked around. 

"Oh okay. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. We could watch a movie, play a game..."

"Do you have Mario Kart?"

"Of course!" 

The boys ate up their time playing Mario Kart, giggling as they played, thoroughly enjoying the other's company. When Phil's parents returned, Dan stood up and brushed himself off, standing a bit too formally to greet them. 

"Oh, hello Dan! I'm so glad you made it!" James enthused as he carried in a few grocery bags, followed by Catherine. 

"Thank you for inviting me." Dan responded with a small smile, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear. 

"Of course, of course! Any friend of Phil's is welcome here whenever they please!" Catherine chipped in, pulling out spaghetti and sauce, beginning to put things together to cook dinner. 

"Do you want any help, mum?" Phil asked after turning off the game and putting the controllers away. 

"Sure, would you boys like to cut some veggies for a salad?" Dan and Phil nodded and Phil got out cutting boards and some knives, and they rolled up their sleeves and began cutting cucumbers and carrots. 

Everything flowed smoothly in the kitchen and small talk was exchanged, until Catherine gasped. Dan looked up to see her gaze trained on Phil's forearm, eyes wide and a hand over her mouth. Dan immediately knew she'd seen that his mark had gone away, and was compelled to pull his own sleeve down, but he knew it'd look suspicious, so he just stood there. 

"Mum?" Phil asked, not having caught on yet.

"Phil! You... you met your soulmate!" Catherine gasped, tears pricking her eyes. 

"Oh... uh... yeah." Phil answered a bit shyly, since he and Dan hadn't talked yet about whether or not they were telling their parents. 

It seemed as if they were, though, because immediately Catherine's gaze snapped to Dan's forearm, where of course, his mark was gone. 

"Are... are you... sorry, none of my business I'm sorry I just... Phil, I'm so happy for you." Catherine rushed across the room and pulled Phil into a hug, tears dripping from her eyes as James stood by with one hand over his mouth, and he was crying as well. 

Phil looked to Dan helplessly and Dan drew in a deep breath. 

"It's me."

James and Catherine's gazes snapped to him immediately, and Dan wished he could just crawl away into a shell and hide from the world, but he had to continue. 

"It's me. We're... I'm... I'm his soulmate."


	4. Chapter 4

Silence overtook the room. Dan shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wondering if he should have just kept his mouth shut. What if Phil's parents were homophobic? Sure, they were only platonic soulmates, but would his parents see it that way? Dan knew his own parents didn't necessarily  _hate_ gay people, but they looked down upon it, and now Dan was worried that maybe he'd made a huge mistake and gotten Phil in trouble. 

His suspicions were only heightened when Phil's mum's tears went from silent and small to choking sobs. Dan was about to offer to leave with an apology, but just then a huge smile broke out across Catherine's face as she beamed at the two boys, quickly putting the food on the table and ushering them all to take their seats. 

"Mum..." Phil began, clearly embarrassed, and Catherine wiped her eyes and leaned back against James' shoulder, who was also looking fondly at the boys. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry hon. I'm just so happy for you. You found him!" Catherine had the happiest look on her face, and Dan knew then that she didn't mind at all that he was a boy. The only trouble now would be telling them that they were only platonic soulmates. All children's parents want them to find a romantic soulmate, and even though platonic soulmates aren't technically looked down on, everyone wants to find a romantic soulmate, and parents get very attached usually. Phil's parents were clearly part of this group.

Suddenly Dan felt his words catch in his throat. He didn't know what to do. He knew he should tell them, but he just couldn't form the words. Not when they were both crying and looking at Dan and Phil as if they were made of diamonds.

The tears. Dan couldn't say no to tears. 

So when Phil opened his mouth and began to explain that they weren't romantic, Dan cut him off by reaching across the table and taking Phil's hand in his own, resting atop the tablecloth. Phil raised an eyebrow and Dan gave a little shrug and a half smile, trying to ignore the way that his hand was tingling where it was intertwined with Phil's. 

"I promise I'll treat him well. We only met yesterday, but I already know your son is an incredible person." Dan wasn't exactly lying. He knew he would do everything he could to treat his (platonic) soulmate as best he could. And though they had just met, he knew they'd spend their lives with each other, and from what he'd learned of Phil so far, he seemed pretty incredible. No one else had ever made Dan feel so at ease around them. 

"Son, we're so proud." James said warmly, brushing his own tears away. "And we are so happy to welcome you into our family, Dan." Dan felt a bit of unexpected warmth flow through him at this. He wasn't used to adults treating him in this way, and he was appreciative but it was making him a bit uncomfortable. Phil must have sensed this, because he squeezed Dan's hand reassuringly and Dan smiled, looking over at Phil. 

Their hands were still interlaced on the tablecloth, and Dan was almost starting to feel queasy by how much energy was flowing between the two of them, tingling their fingertips. He wondered if this was what it was like for everyone with platonic soulmates. If it was, it was extremely distracting, and he hoped it'd go away with time because right now it was making his heart beat faster and his mind whir on overdrive, and all he could focus on was that Phil was holding his hand, and Phil was sitting next to him, and Phil was smiling at him. 

Catherine got up and gave the boys hugs from behind, telling them how happy she was for them and that they had their entire lives to look forward together, and that Dan was welcome over anytime. The rest of the meal continued this way, Dan and Phil continuously trying to change the topic back to something aside from their connection, but Phil's parents consistently bringing the conversation back. Throughout the meal, Dan and Phil kept their hands laced atop the table. It was easy since Dan was left handed and Phil was right, so they could both eat comfortably while holding hands. Dan almost cursed this, because his hand was getting really clammy and he was embarrassed, feeling bad for Phil.

By the end of dinner Dan thanked Phil's parents and said he was going to head home. 

"Do you need a ride?" Catherine asked, and Dan shook his head with a grateful smile.

"No, thank you Mrs. Lester. I only live a few blocks away, I'll just walk."

"Call me Catherine. And at least Phil can walk you. Phil! Go walk your boyfriend home." She said with a smile and a friendly shove to Phil who blushed up at Dan and quickly put on his shoes. Dan didn't respond the the 'boyfriend' comment, figuring it may just be best to let Phil's parents think what they want to think. 

Stepping out onto the street, the brisk evening air clipping at the boys' ears, Dan and Phil walked slowly back to Dan's house. 

"Thank you for letting me come over today. It was fun." Dan said a bit shyly, glancing briefly over at Phil before directing his gaze back to the pavement in front of him. 

"Of course. Thank you for coming. And uh... thanks for everything... you know... with my mum. It means a lot to her, I know." 

"No problem. I figured she might be disappointed if she knew it was just platonic so you know... we can just act like we're together in front of her, and she'll be happy."

"Yeah." silence overtook the few for a few paces, and Dan was happy that the silence could be comfortable, just enjoying that Phil was beside him. "So maybe I can come to your house for dinner sometime." Phil suggested, and Dan shook his head immediately.

"No... uh no, you wouldn't want that."

"Why not?" Phil looked up, concerned. 

"Oh uh... oh, this is my house." Dan realized, stopping outside his small house. 

"Oh." was all Phil said, clearly not wanting to say goodbye quite yet. 

"Um... we could sit on the porch and keep talking for a while." Dan suggested, because he didn't want to say goodbye yet either. It must be a soulmate thing. They were destined to be best friends, of course he wouldn't want to say goodbye.

Phil lit up at this suggestion, nodding his head vigorously. They made their way to the porch and sat down, staring out at the empty street. 

"So uh... yeah you wouldn't want to come over here. I mean you could... but you wouldn't want to meet my parents. They're gone all day, don't get home until usually one or two in the morning. I rarely see them, and when I do they usually don't talk to me. None of us talk really."

"Dan... that's awful, I'm so sorry." Dan shrugged, because it really didn't bother him. Sure, at Phil's house he'd been surprised at a gut wrenching feeling of longing here and there, wishing he had a home life more like that, but really overall the way his family worked was okay with Dan. He liked usually having the house to himself, and he liked not having anyone looking over his shoulder at everything he did.

"It's alright. I don't really mind, they're just not the types of people you introduce to your friends. Also uh... I mean I know we're not romantic, but um... my parents aren't all that accepting, and if they knew my soulmate was a boy they probably wouldn't be too happy. 

Dan watched as Phil's eyes widened, and then he himself was shocked when Phil lunged forward and pulled Dan into a hug. 

"I'm so sorry." Phil whispered, and Dan wasn't sure why or what to think, but he couldn't really think because Phil was wrapped around him and it was sending sparks and shockwaves through his body, and Dan couldn't keep his mind in order. 

"Uh... it's okay. I mean... I'm not gay, so... it doesn't really affect me." Dan stuttered and Phil pulled back, an expression Dan couldn't read on his face.

"It doesn't have to affect you to be wrong." was all Phil said, and suddenly Dan felt as if he'd been punched in the gut, drowning in his own embarrassment at the words that had left his mouth.

"Sorry. You're right. I just mean like... I don't have to deal with it, so... sorry none of this is coming out right."

"That's okay, Dan." Phil reassured with a somewhat sad smile and Dan shrugged, unsure of where to go from here. 

"I should probably get some sleep." Dan said after a long pause and Phil nodded, taking a deep breath and getting to his feet, helping Dan up as well. 

"Okay. Well... if you ever need to get out of your house, you're always welcome to stay at mine."

"Thanks. I'll... keep it in mind." Dan agreed, and then Phil had him in another hug and Dan could never prepare for these, wanting so much to nestle deeper into the hug, but frozen in place.

"Night, Dan." Phil whispered, and then he'd pulled away and was walking down the street as Dan watched him go in wonder. 


	5. Chapter 5

Dan's heart leapt into his throat as he raised his hand to knock on the door. What if Phil wouldn't want him to walk him to school today? What if he was getting a ride with his parents? Dan hadn't texted to check today... should he text now and then wait a few minutes and act like he hadn't already been at Phil's house, standing on his porch, waiting to walk to school with his soulmate? Suddenly Dan was regretting his decision, and he was about to lower his fist, deciding not to knock, and walk away, when the door swung open and Dan was met with a surprised Catherine, whose wide eyes quickly turned into creased crescents as a huge smile took over her face.

"Daniel! It's so good to see you! I was just coming out to check the post, but it looks like it hasn't arrived yet. You know, I'm certain that the postman hates me, I just don't know why! Sorry - I'm rambling - Phil's just upstairs getting dressed, here, come in!" Mrs. Lester opened the door and gestured for Dan to come inside. He did, nervously, and stood in the entryway as he rocked on his heels awkwardly. "Well come in, now, make yourself at home! Have you had breakfast?" Dan somewhat awkwardly accepted her invitation to come in, quickly tugging off his shoes and walking up to the kitchen counter so he could talk to her as she cooked at the stove. At the mention of breakfast, Dan shook his head. He didn't usually eat breakfast, there wasn't food in the house often, and you could be certain his parents didn't cook. 

"Well let me make you something! Do you like pancakes? They're Phil's favorite." Catherine spoke warmly, and Dan nodded a little shyly.

"That'd be wonderful, thank you Mrs. Lester."

"What did I say about Mrs. Lester? Call me Catherine, please!" Catherine said warmly and Dan allowed himself to smile.

"Thank you, Catherine."

Soon Dan was met with a piping hot stack of pancakes, topped with loads of butter and golden syrup. At this exact time, Phil came bounding down the steps and Dan looked up, mortified that he hadn't even alerted Phil that he was here, and now here he was, eating Phil's mum's food. 

"You made pancakes? Mum you're the be- Dan!" Phil exclaimed, noticing the boy midway through his sentence. "I didn't know you were coming over!" Phil nervously ran a few fingers through his fringe and straightened the glasses on his nose - something Dan hadn't seen him wearing before, but they seemed to fit him well, and Dan couldn't help wondering why Phil didn't wear them more. 

"Oh uh... yeah I was gonna see if you wanted to walk to school. I came early just in case you'd want to grab coffee, but your mum's cooking is very convincing." Dan laughed breathily, hoping Phil wouldn't be angry with him. Luckily, Phil wasn't. A grin teased at the corner of his lips before spreading across his whole face, his eyes crinkling up and his tongue barely poking out between his teeth. 

"Well, you wouldn't be my soulmate if you couldn't be bribed by pancakes!" Phil giggled, and Dan froze when Phil came up behind him, wrapping his arms around the brunette and resting his chin on Dan's shoulder. At first, Dan was entirely confused and shocked, trying to ignore the energy pulses generated by their contact, before he remembered that they were supposed to be boyfriends in front of Phil's parents, and Dan allowed himself to relax into the position. He even went so far as to cut a wedge of pancake and raise it next to his face, allowing Phil to eat the bite off the fork in Dan's hand. Dan could feel Phil's jaw as it moved up and down, resting on his shoulder, and he felt the vibrations as Phil hummed in contentment and rested his cheek against Dan's. 

"You two are just the cutest!" Catherine piped up from across from them, smiling warmly as she slid a plate across to Phil. 

"Eh, I'll just eat all of Dan's." Phil said with a shrug that Dan felt above his shoulders, shaking his head and shoving Phil off of him playfully. 

"You wouldn't dare!" 

"Try me, Howell!" 

Both boys giggled as Phil sat on a stool opposite Dan and they both tucked into their pancakes. Once they were finished, Phil's eyes widened as he looked at the clock. 

"Dan! We have to go, we're going to be late!" 

Dan's gaze snapped up to the clock to see that they really should have left five or ten minutes ago to get to school on time, and his heart began to race. 

"Don't worry, dears, I'll drive." Catherine interjected and Dan felt a whoosh of air leave him in relief. 

"Thank you, mum!" 

"Yes, thank you Catherine!" Dan agreed, and soon the three of them were hopping in the car and driving to school. 

The first half of the day passed fairly normally, Dan and Phil spending every moment they could by each other's sides, and soon it was time for lunch. The two boys made their way to their table with Chris and PJ, who they saw were laughing in a way that didn't seem entirely joyous, looking down at their forearms. Dan raised his eyebrows as they approached, and when they got close his suspicions were confirmed. Sure enough, PJ and Chris had got their end quotes.

End quotes weren't exactly a happy thing. They were something every soulmate pairing got, though no one knew when they'd get them. Many soulmates got them within just days or weeks of meeting each other, some only got them years later. But all end quotes had the same meaning. While their original tattoos marked the first words the other would speak to them, end quotes represented the last words they'd speak to the other. It was a bittersweet thing, knowing the last thing the most important person in your life will say to you, but it's something everyone dealt with. 

Dan and Phil were silent as they approached PJ and Chris, allowing the two boys to decide if they wanted to explain or not.

"So... we got our end quotes." PJ announced, as if they all didn't already know. 

"I'm... sorry." Dan said, a bit awkwardly, because was it something to be sorry about? He didn't know.

"It's alright, they're pretty awesome, actually!" Chris chirped up as he nodded to PJ, indicating for him to go first. 

PJ took a deep breath, then read his quote aloud.

_"I can't believe you would do that. You are SO stupid!"_

Chris chuckled as he followed up with his own quote, laughing almost a bit sickly, but still with amusement.

_"A life without adventure isn't a life worth living, pal."_

Silence overtook the table for a while as Chris and PJ pulled their sleeves back over their tattoos, hiding them. 

"So..." PJ broke the silence with an awkward laugh. "I think the clear solution here is for you not to go and do anything reckless. Ever."

Chris just rolled his eyes. "Didn't you hear future me? A life without adventure isn't worth living!" PJ glared at him, but soon they were both chuckling a bit, and the moment passed as the topic moved on to how annoying the English teacher was and how ridiculous her assignments were. Dan couldn't help flicking his gaze to Phil, though, and wondering what their last words to each other would be. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like a broken record, but thank you all for everything you do <3 Every comment, kudos, bookmark, etc makes my day and I wouldn't be writing anymore if it weren't for you guys being such an amazing, supportive, and inspiring community. Thank you <3


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey, do you want to come over for dinner again? My mum just texted me and told me to invite you." Phil mentioned as they walked home from school.

"Uh... sure." Dan agreed, feeling somewhat guilty for spending so much time at Phil's house, but if Catherine had been the one to invite him, then she must not mind. He smiled when he saw the way Phil's eyes lit up at his acceptance, and felt what was beginning to become an all too familiar rush of joy pass through him at Phil's timid grin. Something about this boy just made Dan want to make him happy, want to do anything that would keep that smile on his face. 

As Dan and Phil approached Phil's house, Dan felt fingers lace with his own. 

"This okay?" Phil asked quietly and Dan nodded with a small smile.

"Yeah, of course. I don't mind acting in front of your parents."

"Okay." Phil agreed, and then they were walking into the house, being greeted by a smiling James and an excited Catherine. 

"It's so nice to see you again, Dan. I'm cooking up some dinner right now, Phil why don't you make sure Dan feels at home?" Phil nodded and Dan returned James's welcoming smile with a timid one of his own as he allowed Phil to drag him upstairs and to Phil's room. He hadn't actually been in here before, and looking around, Dan felt another rush of warmth through him.

Phil's room perfectly reflected his personality. Everything was bright, and there were things everywhere, but it wasn't messy. Everything was organized, but there were little trinkets and stuffed animals and other miscellaneous things placed on every flat surface. 

"I like your room. It suits you." Dan said with a smile, turning to Phil whose cheeks were painted a soft pink at the compliment. Dan only realized then that their hands were still linked, and he coughed lightly as he pulled his hand away to scratch the back of his neck. 

Phil moved over to his bed and plopped down horizontally on the checkered blue and green duvet, looking up at the ceiling. Dan followed him, laying backwards on the bed with his feet still on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, and only then did he realize that Phil had decorated it with hundreds of those little glow in the dark stars. Dan smiled as he took in the plastic constellations, taking a moment to appreciate that Phil was his soulmate. Sure, he'd thought he wanted a girl to fall in love with, but somehow this seemed better, like nothing else could compare to Phil, and Dan couldn't help feeling at home next to him. 

"I'm glad it's you." he confessed in a voice that came out smaller than he intended, and he didn't dare look over to Phil as he waited for a response to break the deafening silence. 

"Me too." the response came eventually, sounding almost strained. "I'm really happy I met you, Dan." 

Dan didn't really think - or maybe he thought too much as he reached his hand gently across the duvet and wrapped it around Phil's, laying in silence as they stared at the ceiling, hands barely grasping to each other in a gentle touch. And maybe Dan was overthinking, his mind whirring and racing at a million miles a minute. And maybe his heart was beating out of his chest, and he was trying to ignore the electricity that always flowed between them whenever they touched. And maybe Dan had never held a boy's hand this way before, and maybe Dan didn't think he ever wanted to, but right now - right now Dan decided to ignore everything and stay there, because he could feel Phil relax next to him. He heard the rush of air through Phil's nose, and listened as Phil's breathing steadied out. He felt the reassuring and grateful squeeze that barely constricted on his hand, and Dan knew that no matter how alien this felt to him, it made Phil happy, and that was all that mattered. 

Dan didn't know how much time passed. Eventually the silence was broken and Dan and Phil began talking, easy conversation that flowed smoothly as they talked about nothing, just enjoying each others voices and opinions, not caring the subject, until there was a knock on Phil's door. 

Immediately, Dan panicked, because in no universe could Phil's parents, no matter how accepting they were, be okay with their son being in a room with the door closed with who they thought was his boyfriend. Dan froze in terror as a soft woman's voice came in, "Boys, dinner's ready!" Logically, Dan knew there was no suspicion or mirth in the tone of the voice, but he was still convinced that the moment he saw Catherine, she'd throw him out by his ear. Dan heard footsteps lead away from the door as Phil shouted back a quick 'Thank you, mum!'

"Hey, are you okay?" Phil asked as he noticed Dan's expression, squeezing Dan's hand as he sat up. 

"Your parents. The door. We're in your room and the door's closed and they think we're together and they must hate me now and I've ruined everything and I'm so sorry if they get mad at you, you can blame it all on me, but-"

"Dan." Phil stopped Dan's ramblings, helping him up by the hand so he was sitting as well, and then pulling the brunette into a hug. "Shhh, it's okay." Phil whispered against Dan's hair, and Dan nodded, taking comfort in Phil's arms wrapped around him, burying his nose into Phil's shoulder. "My mum really doesn't care. And we're in highschool, it's not like she thinks I'm a little kid anymore." Dan pried his face out of Phil's shoulder and leaned back to look at him doubtfully. "Really. She really likes you, and trust me she doesn't mind at all. She doesn't care what we do."

It took Dan a few moments, but soon he realized that Phil must be right and he nodded, pulling away from Phil and standing up, straightening his clothing and hair. 

"Thank you. Sorry, I just... panicked for a moment there."

"That's okay. Thank you for listening to me." Phil smiled reassuringly and Dan almost melted into his gaze before taking a deep breath and preparing to go down for dinner. The boys left the room hand in hand, and sure enough when they saw Catherine and James, the two just smiled, clearly happy to see the boys, and obviously hiding their giddyness at the display of affection with the linked hands. Dan allowed himself to relax as he sat at the table, eyes widening at the incredible smelling steak with mashed potatoes and gravy, along with broccoli on the side. 

Dan practically devoured the food, able to forget for a moment the electricity between he and Phil, heightened through their still connected hands and the fact that their chairs were mere inches apart. When Dan has finished his meal, an urge rises in him to just scoot over an inch or two and lean his head on Phil's shoulder. The thought pulls him up short. He's not gay. Daniel Howell likes girls and will eventually date and marry a girl and have children, and Phil Lester will be his best friend all the way through, because they are  _platonic_ soulmates, and Dan is  _not gay._

He told himself this over and over again as he gently detached his hand from Phil's, not missing the questioning look on Phil's face, but why should he care? His parents were convinced, why should he care if they were holding hands or not? They're platonic, that shouldn't matter. And Dan shouldn't be feeling energy between the two of them, he shouldn't be yearning to be closer and feel more of that energy, to feel it radiating from every point that Phil touched on his body, he should just sit and eat his meal and be friendly. 

After this, the end of dinner passed fairly smoothly, Dan being careful to keep more distance, but then falling into easy conversation with Phil's parents and Phil himself, realizing just how warm this family was, and enjoying every moment of it. He'd never felt so welcomed anywhere in his life, and he couldn't help yearning for more. So when Phil's mum asked Dan if he'd be spending the night as it  _was_ Friday and they didn't have to be up early tomorrow, Dan looked to Phil with his eyebrows raised and a small smile on his face, clearly asking ' _can I?_ '

"If you want to spend the night, that'd be fun." Phil agreed a bit shyly and Dan smiled and nodded, pulling his phone out quickly to text his parents. Not like they'd care, but if they were in bad moods they might yell at him later about it, and he wanted to avoid any confrontation with his parents that he could. 

Dan helped wash some dishes before Phil led Dan to the lounge. "Rematch of Mario Kart?" Dan grinned and nodded, and soon the two boys were sitting beside each other, shoulders brushing as they raced around the tracks of the game. Dan found himself getting distracted every once in a while by the way that Phil's tongue poked out between his teeth as he enthused about taking over the lead in the game, only making Dan fall farther behind. 

It was one of these moments that Dan didn't even realize the shell being chucked at him until too late, and suddenly Phil was cheering and Dan shook his head, staring back at the TV and cursing as he tried to make up the time he'd lost. 

"Danny boy, you'd better stop staring at me, you're falling behind!" Phil chuckled and Dan flushed at Phil's comment, throwing him off as he ran into a wall. 

"What?" he asked through a strangled voice, a lump forming in his throat. 

"Hey, I know I'm pretty, it's okay." Phil joked and Dan rolled his eyes, focusing back in on the game.

"Sure you are. Dork."

"Hey, you love it." Phil teased, bumping Dan's shoulder with his own, only making Dan yelp as it threw him into another wall. 

"You're a jerk."

"I'm a pretty jerk!" Phil raised his controller in the air in victory as he claimed first place and Dan sighed, falling back against the carpet in defeat. 

"I'm not playing another round with you." Dan whined and Phil rolled his eyes.

"That's fine, let's go to my room, we can watch a movie." Dan nodded, and began to follow Phil up the stairs. 

"Use protection!" James called from below and Dan flushed bright red as Phil just laughed and shot back 'We won't!'

As they entered Phil's room, Dan was suddenly hit with a realization. Phil's room wasn't TINY, but it was small, and there was stuff everywhere, not leaving barely any floor space. Not only that, but Phil's bed was a twin, and to fit both tall boys into that bed would be a challenge, and they'd be in  _very_ close quarters with each other. However, it wouldn't exactly go with their plan to convince Phil's parents that they were romantic soulmates if Dan was to go out and sleep on the couch, so Dan drew in a deep breath and tried to shut off any possible emotions or feelings of awkwardness, simply accepting his situation. 

"Movie?" Phil asked, and Dan nodded with a smile as the boys turned off the lights and climbed into Phil's bed. Phil climbed under the covers as he pulled out his laptop to begin searching for a movie, while Dan stayed atop the duvet. 

"What do you want to watch?" Phil asked and Dan shrugged.

"I dunno. Something nerdy."

"How about Lord of the Rings?" Phil suggested and Dan chuckled a bit, nodding.

"That's perfect."

Phil queued up the first movie and hit play. The movie began and Dan focused intently on it, decidedly not focusing at all on the fact that he and Phil's shoulders and arms were touching down to the elbows, crammed together on the tiny bed. Eventually Phil sighed and paused the movie. 

"Dan, you're squishing my leg by pulling the duvet down under you. Just come under the blanket." Dan sighed, but decided to comply, and soon their entire bodies were connected from their shoulders to their ankles, and Dan felt like the right side of him was on fire as it connected to Phil, and  _this was not supposed to happen with platonic soulmates_ but they  _were_ platonic, so maybe it was just rare. 

Throughout the movie, the tingling got worse, and Dan felt a yearning so strong it was near impossible to control, pulling him towards Phil and making him want nothing more than to curl into Phil's side and wrap around him like a koala. He didn't though, and by the end of the movie he was exhausted, not having followed any of the movie itself, using all his energy to keep him from leaning into Phil's touch. 

The boys got up and went to brush their teeth, and Dan couldn't help but to stand close enough to Phil that their arms brushed each other as he used the spare toothbrush Phil had happened to have still in the package, and Dan just wanted to lace his fingers with Phil but he restrained himself, not knowing what was coming over him. 

As they made their way back into the room and under the blanket, Dan looked up at the ceiling and couldn't help but gape at the glowing constellations from the plastic stars on Phil's ceiling, illuminated now in the darkness. 

"It's pretty, isn't it?" Phil whispered, and Dan nodded vigorously. 

"Yeah." he breathed, feeling Phil's hand lace itself with Dan's, and even though he knew this felt like it was pushing on some invisible line, he couldn't bring himself to care because he'd been yearning for that touch  _so much._

The thought, though, reminded Dan of Phil's parents suddenly and their pretend relationship, and Dan's heart began constricting again. 

"Phil... are you sure your parents are okay with us sharing a room?"

"Are you kidding me? Did you hear what my dad said as we came up here?"

"Right." Dan agreed, the reminder of Phil's dad's awkward joke making him cringe again, but also reassuring him that Phil's parents really didn't care, and he wouldn't be in trouble. "Okay."

Silence enveloped the room for several minutes, and Dan felt his heart skip a beat as Phil began tracing his thumb back and forth across the back of Dan's hand. The motion felt dangerously intimate, but it was also making Dan's heart race and butterflies flutter about in his chest, and he couldn't bring himself to ask Phil to stop. 

"Dan... look, I know you're not gay. I know we're just platonic soulmates, but... platonic soulmates can cuddle, you know?" This was all the permission Dan needed as he immediately pulled Phil to his chest and wrapped his arms around the boy, feeling Phil's leg come between his own, nestling together like puzzle pieces, and Dan and Phil both let out a contented sigh at the same time. They were both on their sides now, facing each other, and Dan couldn't help but to look across nervously at Phil's closed eyes and then flick his gaze down to soft pink lips, realizing that if he just barely tilted his head, he could- no. No! Dan was not gay. Dan was straight and he was just enjoying cuddling with his  _platonic_ soulmate. 

Dan's heart couldn't stop beating and his entire body was burning with Phil's touch, but Phil fell asleep quickly and once Dan focused on lining his breathing up with Phil's he was able to drift off himself, letting the world sink away. 

When Dan woke up he knew it was still the middle of the night. He couldn't help waking though, as his arm felt like it'd gotten about four hundred mosquito bites, and he wanted to itch it down to the bone. Phil was still asleep, but when Dan looked down at Phil's forearm and saw the beginnings of black lettering, he realized what was happening. They were getting their end quotes.

Dan bit his lip as he gazed at the words appearing on Phil's arm, still somewhat afraid of what the words that would appear might be. When they did, Dan realized he hadn't prepared for this type of fear. 

Dan read Phil's tattoo, the neat calligraphy reading clear as it showed up seconds before Dan's. 

**_"I love you so much, Dan."_ **

Dan's heart was in his throat. That was okay... wasn't it? Friends could tell friends they loved them. Still... this didn't feel like something a friend would say, and he couldn't even fully convince himself that it was only platonic.

Soon, Dan's own quote was appearing and he read out the wording, mesmerized by the black over his skin, heart racing as he read the last words he'd ever speak to his soulmate.

 ** _"Did you know that cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream laying down? I promise I'll dream of you forever."_**  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For whatever reason, when I write I feel like things that get cooked suddenly disappear from my brain and there are only a few options: Oatmeal for breakfast, or for dinner Stir fry, meat and potatoes, or spaghetti. That's like.. it. Idk why :P


	7. Chapter 7

_**"I love you so much, Dan."** _

_****_"Did you know that cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream laying down? I promise I'll dream of you forever."_**  ** _

Dan's mind spun, and with it, the room around him. It was still dark, but suddenly the walls were spinning and the bed was shifting and Dan's stomach was in his throat, but the words stayed clear in his vision, branding themselves into his mind, never to be forgotten. 

Suddenly, Dan sprang off the bed and raced to the bathroom, somehow not falling over even though the doorways were bending and the floor was pulsing. He emptied the contents of his stomach into the porcelain bowl and stared dumbly at the lid of the toilet, head resting on his hands upon the seat, trying to get his eyes to focus, but he couldn't. He couldn't focus on anything in front of him, he couldn't even focus on any thoughts, because one kept running through his head, jumping up and down, booming around in the silence surrounding it, as if it were shouted through a megaphone.

Dan almost laughed at the words; they were so crass. For something this huge he would have expected some huge realization or an eloquent metaphor, but the only words circulating his head, on repeat, were ' _platonic my ass_.'

Dan didn't know what this meant. Were he and Phil really going to end up together? Was Phil really his romantic soulmate? But no... it wasn't possible! Dan liked girls. Dan liked girls and  _only_ girls. It didn't matter that Phil was the only person he ever really thought about anymore, even more than himself. It didn't matter that the minute they were in the same room Dan knew, and he would always have Phil in his sights even if they weren't interacting, always keeping tabs on his soulmate. It didn't matter that the way Phil's lip quirked up on the left side when he thought he'd made a good joke made Dan's heart hurt, or how when his tongue poked between his teeth as he clutched at his ribs from laughing so hard, it made Dan feel like he was melting. It didn't matter that every touch just made Dan want  _more_ , and the more he got the more he craved until it was an all-consuming need to be close to Phil. None of it mattered... because Dan was straight. 

He'd just reached this decision and firmly nodded his head, reaching up to flush the toilet. Just as he began to stand, Dan heard a sound from the doorway and looked up to see a concerned Phil standing there, glasses askew on his nose, hair rustled up with pieces sticking every which way, eyes foggy but still so, so blue, and Dan drew in a sharp breath accompanied by a small squeak.

Fuck. Dan was gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapter lengths for this fic have been all over the place, sorry I suppose I'm just trying to play more with variety to use the lengths of chapters to accentuate parts of the story. Hope it doesn't bother you all, let me know in the comments! <3
> 
> Tumblr: mollieblackwrites


	8. Chapter 8

"Hey, are you okay?" Phil's voice came out in a croak as he rubbed his bleary eyes behind his glasses, trying and failing to hold in a yawn as he frowned down at the boy on his floor.

No. No, Dan was not okay. He was not okay at all, but there was no way he was going to tell Phil that. 

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Must have ate something funny."

"I'm sorry. You need anything?"

"No, I'm just gonna brush my teeth and then head back to bed."

"Okay." Phil agreed as Dan squeezed some toothpaste onto the toothbrush after rinsing his mouth out a few times with water, and then began brushing his teeth. When he looked up into the mirror, he almost jumped when he saw that Phil was still standing there.

"You don' haffa stay." Dan mumbled around the brush in his mouth and Phil shrugged, lazily walking up to Dan's side and resting his head on Dan's shoulder as if it were the most normal action in the world. Dan froze as he felt shivers run through him, trying to focus on brushing his teeth.

"I'll stay. You're not feeling good, I'm not gonna leave you alone."

Dan just nodded at Phil's words, the corner of his jaw lightly tapping the top of Phil's hair as he nodded. 

Dan brushed for a while and then eventually reached up with the hand not holding his toothbrush to tap Phil's shoulder. 

"Phiw... Phiw I godda spid." Dan mumbled. When there was no response he realized just how heavy Phil's head had become and how his eyes were shut. Dan sighed and shook Phil lightly, smiling against his will as Phil blinked awake in surprise and confusion. 

"Wh... oh yeah... sorry um..." Phil stuttered as he backed off of Dan's shoulder, allowing Dan to lean forward and spit into the sink, then rise and gargle, and soon he felt minty fresh, no traces of vomit left. His heart was still beating and he was fairly certain he was just barely keeping off a panic attack that'd creep up on him any moment now, but for now he had Phil and if he focused on Phil and not on  _Dan and Phil_ , Dan could keep a mostly level head.

"Alright, let's go back to bed." Dan suggested, deciding to not allow his brain to make the joke that immediately came with saying that phrase, instead just leading a very sleepy Phil back to the starry bedroom and crawling under the covers. 

"You comfortable?" Dan asked, shoved against the wall in an attempt to not be completely pressed against Phil, even though everything in him wanted to do just that. 

"Mmmm..." Phil mumbled as he shook his head and reached out, pulling Dan into a warm hug, wrapping Phil's leg around Dan's hip and nuzzling Phil's head under his chin. "Mmmm now I am." 

Dan couldn't help the stutter his heart made, followed by the warmth that rushed through him. The warmth began to creep downward and Dan froze, clenching up as he began furiously picturing the time his grandma had gotten smashed at Christmas and danced like a stripper on the table, topping it off by mooning the whole family. It'd been a horrifying experience, but he was grateful for it because it always worked and Dan relaxed as the heat left his groin, not having to worry about pressing into Phil in that way. 

Instead, Dan nuzzled his face down into Phil's hair and took a deep breath, smiling at the raspberry scent Phil always possessed. He even allowed himself to go so far as to place a feather light kiss to the top of Phil's head before closing his eyes and finally allowing himself to start to think, even though it might be a bad idea to do this while he was wrapped around Phil. But it couldn't wait, so Dan opened that door hesitantly. 

Surprisingly, this time it wasn't a flood of panic. It wasn't thousands of questions and doubts and suspicions and denial all rolled into one second. Instead, Dan felt as if he were being presented with several cards, each reading a different subject, and he could take his time to pick and choose which one to turn over and deal with. It was a new feeling, and Dan was a bit confused, but relieved. 

He made his way through the issues; Phil, his feelings, Phil's family, his family, soulmates, his sexuality. All of them seemed scary, but somehow slightly less scary than they had before. Now, Dan had Phil wrapped in his arms, feeling Phil's steady breathing and heartbeat through his chest, and so long as he remembered that, everything seemed much more manageable. 

Dan sighed as he decided that really none of these issues couldn't be addressed until he addressed the big one, so he chose the card that read 'my sexuality', and turned it over. 

Dan wasn't gay. It was true. He'd liked girls before, he still found girls attractive. Though he supposed he'd also found boys attractive objectively, he'd just never thought of thinking of them in a romantic way, it'd never be tolerated by his parents. Not that he cared that much, but it was how he had been raised, so he simply hadn't considered it as an option. 

And now... with Phil... Dan wasn't sure if he'd still be feeling these feelings if they weren't soulmates... he thought he might be. But they were soulmates, and that just made everything clearer. He couldn't deny the obvious once it was put so clearly in front of him, they were  _not_ platonic soulmates. Phil was his romantic soulmate. 

The thought pulled Dan up short.

Phil was his romantic soulmate. Surely, Phil  _must_ know? Or could he maybe think they really  _were_ platonic soulmates and the feelings he was feeling were unrelated to the fact that they were soulmates, purely a crush. Because he must be having feelings towards Dan... right? Wasn't that how soulmates worked? God, Dan must have broken his heart, and this entire time it must have been hell for Phil. Dan couldn't bring himself to even think of it, he felt so ashamed. 

He felt ashamed because he'd rejected Phil in the worst way possible. But he hated that he was even more ashamed of his own feelings towards Phil, and Dan didn't think he was ready, he wasn't sure if he'd  _ever_ be ready to tell anyone about his feelings. He knew it'd be awful, and he knew it was a terrible thing to hide from Phil, but the fact was that Dan was ashamed that he had feelings towards Phil. Strong feelings that were scaring him. He hadn't even noticed, but he was on the way to falling in love with Phil Lester, and Dan wasn't ready for that. 

He fell asleep with tears in his eyes, cursing himself because he knew that keeping this information from Phil would cause his soulmate so much pain, but he couldn't think of another way. Even if he did want to tell Phil... it'd be humiliating and he'd have to face Phil, both of them knowing that he put Phil through pain to wait for him, both of them knowing that he was ashamed of who he was. He just... he couldn't do it. They'd continue to be 'platonic' soulmates, and that would be it. It had to be.


	9. Chapter 9

The next time Dan woke up, it was to Phil extracting himself from the bed, sunlight streaming in through the window. Dan stirred with a small groan, throwing one wrist over his eyes to shield them from the sun. 

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. Breakfast is almost ready." Phil whispered as if he were still trying to keep from waking Dan, even though Dan was clearly awake already.

"'S'okay." Dan muttered as he took a deep breath to muster some energy and then sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Last night had been exhausting, and he felt like death. He barely remembered what had happened until his eyes met the letters scrawled across Phil's forearm, and his eyebrows raised. By the way Phil was acting, it seemed as if he hadn't noticed yet, and Dan found himself pulling on the sweater he'd brought to hide his own mark, knowing Phil would eventually find the quotes, but hoping to postpone it as long as possible. 

The quotes made it clear that their relationship wasn't platonic - at least to Dan they did - and he was scared of what Phil's reaction would be when he read them. Dan's head began to hurt as he thought of this, and he shook it off, deciding there was nothing to do about it, so he might as well stop overthinking. 

"You said something about breakfast?" he asked and Phil smiled, nodding. 

"Yeah, let's go down." 

The boys went downstairs to be greeted by soft music playing while Catherine and James danced in the kitchen, breakfast cooking on the stove behind them. They didn't notice Dan and Phil at first, and Dan paused for a moment, smiling at how happy the couple looked as they danced, and for a moment he felt a rush of longing, and wanted to lean his head on Phil's shoulder. He didn't. But he continued to watch them, amazed by the fact that they were still so obviously enamored with each other, even after years of marriage. 

Phil cleared his throat after a few seconds and his parents looked over, but they didn't break apart, instead motioning for Dan and Phil to enter the kitchen.

"Join us! Show off your dancing skills, Phillip!" Catherine grinned playfully and Phil shook his head and rolled his eyes, but he took Dan's hand and began to lead him into the kitchen. Dan's heart leapt into his throat, but he took Phil's hand in his, and placed his other hand on Phil's waist as Phil faced him and wrapped his hand around Dan's shoulder blade. 

Dan began sweating, he didn't know how to dance, much less partner dance to this soft, slow music, but suddenly Phil was moving and Dan was just moving backwards in a way that somehow came naturally, prompted by Phil's small motions that felt almost like suggestions, and surely enough they were dancing around the room, moving in time to the music. 

It took Dan a while to realize that he was able to do this and look away from the floor and his feet, but when he did he found Phil gazing at him with a smile and Dan smiled back, amazed by how naturally they were moving. 

"You can dance?" he asked, even though the answer was apparent.

"Yeah, my mum taught me when I was little."

"He's good, isn't he?" James called over and Dan blushed with a small nod, tripping a bit over his feet. He began to fall backwards, but Phil pulled on his arm and shoulder blade, and Dan was lifted off his feet for a second before coming back to earth and regaining his balance, and within a second they were dancing again. 

"Don't fall." Phil reprimanded, but there was a twinkle in his eye and a small grin tickling the corners of his mouth and Dan smiled shyly at the ground, nodding.

They danced for the rest of the song, and then Catherine broke away from James to flip the eggs in the pan. Dan stared at Phil for a moment, they were nearly chest to chest and they were holding each other, looking into each other's eyes, face to face. He felt a tug, but just at that moment Phil let his hand drop from Dan's shoulder, knocking Dan's own hand off Phil's waist, and Dan felt strangely disappointed. Phil kept their hands together, though, which Dan was grateful for. 

They made their way to the table as Catherine served up plates of eggs on toast, slices of bacon, and glasses of orange juice. Most of the meal passed silently, the group just eating their food with occasional praise to Catherine's excellent cooking, listening to the soft music still playing in the background. 

The silence was broken, however, when Catherine gasped and reached over to grab James's hand without looking, accidentally causing him to fling his fork, full of eggs, flying over his shoulder. Catherine didn't pay that any mind, however, as she was staring at Phil's arm. Dan froze. 

"Phil! You've got your end quote!" Catherine whispered and the table went silent as Dan and Phil put their forks down and Phil curiously looked to his arm.

"I do!" he gasped, and Dan winced, not at all ready for this, especially not in front of Phil's parents. Though maybe that'd help... Phil wouldn't start questioning him immediately. 

Tension filled the room as Phil first read his quote silently, the feeling of both excitement and bittersweet sadness in the air, as end quotes always caused. After a few moments, Catherine broke the silence with a prompting, "So...?"

Phil looked to Dan with confusion in his eyes. "Do you have yours? What does yours say? I think mine comes after." Dan sighed and nodded, knowing that Phil's question of 'if he had his' was rhetorical, since soulmates always got their end quotes at the same time, and if Phil had his, then Dan did also. 

Dan pulled his sleeve up, revealing his tattoo and reading it aloud slowly. 

"Um... mine just says, 'I love you so much, Dan'." Dan mumbled quietly, and his admission was met with 'aw's from Phil's parents, and only silence from Phil, who was staring at Dan with an unreadable look in his eye. Slowly, his gaze made its way away from Dan and back to Phil's arm, as Phil read out his own quote.

"Did you know that cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream laying down? I promise I'll dream of you forever." Phil read in a stoic voice, which only Dan seemed to notice. Phil's parents, instead, looked confused by the quote.

"Dan, what are you talking about? Cows?" Catherine asked with a little giggle and Dan looked down in embarrassment as Phil explained.

"That was his quote for when we first met. The first thing I said to him was 'Did you know that cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream laying down?'"

"Actually, there was an, 'Oh, that's alright' first." Dan interjected without thinking. He'd lived with that tattoo for eighteen years, it'd be hard to forget. 

"Oh... yeah." Phil agreed.

"That's so sweet!" Catherine enthused, clearly unaware of the tension between the two boys. "But Phil, why'd you say that?" 

"Oh uh... he accidentally ran into me in the hall and I fell over, so I said that because if I were a cow maybe I'd be having a great dream since I was laying on the floor in the hallway." Phil's voice still sounded completely flat, devoid of any emotion, but Dan was clearly the only one noticing that as Phil's eyes bored a hole into the side of Dan's head. 

"You, my son, are a strange one." James laughed as he collected everyone's dishes and brought them to the sink.

"Well, you two aren't the most conventional, but we love you all the same." Catherine said with a smile and walked around the table to put a hand on each of the boy's shoulders and kiss them on the cheek. "We'll do the washing up, just enjoy your weekend." she said with a smile and Dan nodded. 

"Let's go upstairs. Maybe watch a movie." Phil suggested flatly, and Dan knew it wasn't a real suggestion, it was just a way to get them alone so Phil could ask Dan about their quotes. Dan was panicking and just wanted to run home, but he knew he couldn't and his stuff was upstairs, so he just nodded and followed Phil, dreading what Phil would say once they were behind closed doors. 

The questions didn't come, though. Phil just sighed and sat on his bed, pulling up Netflix.

"What do you want to watch?" he asked, almost a bit sadly, and suddenly Dan wished Phil  _would_ ask him questions, because this was worse. Phil's solemn acceptance was worse, and it was as if he could see his soulmate's heart breaking, because now they both knew. They knew they were romantic, and they knew that Dan wasn't accepting it and he was rejecting Phil. Dan felt like he could cry. 

"I dunno. You choose." Dan said with a shrug as he sat next to Phil, intentionally leaving space between them.

"Okay." 

They ended up watching old episodes of the Office which neither of them seemed to find enjoyable, but it filled the silence. Dan was getting more antsy by the second, and as time passed he realized he needed to do something. Maybe he just had to man up and accept that he liked Phil Lester romantically, he already knew that, he was just scared of saying it aloud. But he wanted this... why was he keeping them both from something they wanted?

The minute he'd made up his mind, he paused the episode they were on and turned to Phil.

"Phil.... I-"

"Dan. It's okay. I know you're straight. Friends can say I love you, just... don't worry about it, okay?" 

The words cut through him like a knife. His own words got caught in his throat, and suddenly they felt like glue and he knew he couldn't confess now - all the confidence of a moment ago had disappeared, and he just wanted to crawl into a shell and hide from the world.

"Right. Yeah... thanks." he mumbled. Suddenly, he was angry. He wanted to curse at Phil, he wanted to scream. He liked him, and now Phil wasn't allowing him to! He didn't know why what Phil said made it so final and unallowed, but suddenly Dan felt as if Phil had rejected him and Dan wasn't allowed to feel romantically towards Phil anymore. Strangely enough, Dan took this as a challenge. The fact that this was no longer allowed, the fact that Dan wasn't supposed to like Phil now, made everything feel less scary to Dan, and more like he had to prove himself. Maybe it was the rebellious teenager in him, but suddenly everything had changed.

Phil thought he was straight and they would never be together? Well Dan would show him.

He had to be smart about it though... not be too direct. So Dan just sighed and watched a few more episodes with Phil, intentionally closing the gap between them and leaning his head on Phil's shoulder. Phil tensed but Dan didn't let that dissuade him, simply grinning, his head facing away so Phil couldn't see. After they'd finished three more episodes, he sighed and got up, stretching. 

"I think I'm gonna head home. I'll see you tomorrow maybe?"

"Uh... yeah, sure." Phil agreed and Dan smiled, daring to go so far as to throw a wink in Phil's direction before scooping his stuff up and trotting down the stairs, calling goodbye to Phil's parents and walking home with a smile on his face and a skip in his step. He didn't know what had caused his sudden change of heart, but he supposed pretending not to like Phil had just gotten to be too much. That and the fact that Dan hated people telling him what he thought or how he felt, and his rebellious and competitive nature had been awakened. 

He was going to seduce Phil Lester, and there was nothing the black haired boy could do about it.


	10. Chapter 10

Throughout the rest of the day, Dan's resolve swung back and forth like a kid on a swingset. One minute he was texting Phil about how he hoped they could spend all of tomorrow together, and the next he was cursing himself and wondering how he could get himself out of this situation, questioning if he really did like Phil, or if this was all just some crisis and he really  _was_ straight. 

By night time, Dan wasn't sure what to do. But he was going to Phil's tomorrow, and he supposed he'd have to figure it out then. All he knew was that he couldn't let Phil see that this was getting to him... he had to act confident no matter what he was doing. 

Dan fell asleep confused and conflicted, but still with little butterflies fluttering about in his chest from the 'sweet dreams, see you tomorrow :D' text he'd gotten from Phil.

Morning came, and with it came confidence. Dan knew what he was going to do. He still felt unsure about his sexuality, it was all still difficult for him, but how hadn't he seen the wonderful opportunity right in front of his face? Phil's parents thought they were together. Dan could take full advantage of that, and in doing so, maybe learn a bit more about himself. Not only that, he knew it'd result in blushes from Phil, which never failed to make his day. All in all, Dan was excited, and for once he felt like a morning person as he practically skipped through his house, shoveling some cereal in his mouth before letting Phil know he was on his way over. 

When Phil opened the door to his house, Dan was beaming and pulled Phil into a big hug, earning him a surprised squeak from Phil, who was wide eyed as he stood in his pyjamas. Dan paraded into the house, bursting with energy and confidence. It was a new and strange feeling to him, but he kept it up because Phil was looking at him in shock with a small, nervous smile on his face, and it made Dan want to melt. 

"Good morning, Dan!" James enthused as he entered the kitchen, Phil making his way up to Dan's side. 

"Morning, sir!" 

"James is fine, son. It's good to see you again." James assured, and Dan's eyes widened at the man's use of the word 'son', feeling a small lump come into his throat, but swallowing it quickly. 

"Thank you, it's good to be back." Dan responded and James nodded kindly. 

"Well, our house is your house, make yourself at home. The TV is open if you boys want to play some games."

Dan looked to Phil with a grin and Phil shrugged and nodded, and soon the boys were sat in front of the TV, loading up Mortal Kombat for the nostalgia. Phil sat a few inches away from Dan, but Dan made sure to scoot closer so their knees were touching. When Phil raised an eyebrow, Dan leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Your dad is at the table in the dining room, he can see us." 

Phil just nodded, but Dan felt his breath hitch as he lingered a second too long by Phil's ear, intoxicated by their closeness. Remembering his resolve to take full advantage of this game for Phil's parents, Dan smiled and leaned back in for a second to brush his lips to Phil's cheek. When he pulled away Phil was blushing furiously and Dan grinned, bumping shoulders with Phil.

"Alright, let's get this started!" 

The boys played for a while, Phil beating Dan most of the time, but Dan didn't mind because it allowed him to groan and let his head fall into Phil's chest, whining at his loss. Phil would just blush and push him off playfully, but Dan could tell he was getting to Phil, and more and more he was enjoying this flirtatious banter, allowing himself to just be him with Phil instead of holding himself back so much. 

The day really took a turn when at 1:30 Catherine and James came in, clearing their throats to get the boys' attention, and Dan paused the game, looking over.

"Phil, I know Dan's over so if you don't want to today, that's alright, but Dan, on Sundays we generally have a movie day where we watch a movie or two around this time and make popcorn. Would you boys want to watch movies with us today?" Catherine asked.

Before Phil could even think of not accepting this offer, Dan piped up with a, "That'd be amazing! Thank you!" as he beamed up at Phil's parents. A movie with the Lesters would mean opportunities for cuddling, snuggling, and maybe even another kiss on the cheek or two. This was exactly what he needed - to see how comfortable he really could be, being with a boy.

"Alright, we'll get the popcorn started, do you boys want to queue up a movie?" Catherine asked, not waiting for a response as she and James retreated to the kitchen, hand in hand. 

"You sure you want to watch movies with them? We really don't have to." Phil insisted, but Dan shook his head.

"No, I really do! What should we watch?"

"Well, we have a list of movies to go through, so we generally just pick one of the ones from there. They're mostly either new movies that have high ratings, or disney movies."

"Ooh, disney sounds great today."

"Okay, how about the Incredibles? Finding Nemo? How about Lady and the Tramp?"

"Finding Nemo! Definitely!" Dan decided and Phil giggled as they got it set up, making their way up to one side of the couch, pulling out blankets for the two 'couples'. 

"Dan..." Phil started as they waited, and Dan begin to worry by the tone of Phil's voice. 

"What?"

"We really... I know that we're acting coupley for my parents and everything... but I know you're straight. You really don't have to do it if you don't want to." Phil said, and Dan could tell that it was hard for him to say, so Dan pulled Phil into a long hug, stroking his back.

"Hey, no it's fine. I really don't mind. It's not like I'm so uncomfortable with my sexuality that I can't kiss my best friend on the cheek." Dan assured, even though that was pretty much exactly hat it had been like until today.

"Okay... but really you don't have to go that far. I'm sure they're convinced enough already." Phil assured and Dan huffed, because the whole point of today was to push boundaries for him, not to play it safe.

"Phil, you know we're supposed to be romantic  _soulmates_ , not just boyfriends, right? We've got to be as convincing as we can get, you've seen how the soulmates at school are around each other." Phil nodded, he knew it was true. Most soulmates, at least for the first year or so, couldn't keep their hands off each other. It was sort of disgusting.

"Alright, just... don't do anything you're not comfortable with, okay? I don't want you to end up resenting me."

"Phil... I could never be mad at you. Really... and you can initiate things too, okay? I don't want you to think I'm gonna freak out. Let's just... for today how about we just act like we really are boyfriends, and not worry about boundaries." Dan saw Phil's doubt in his eyes, but he wasn't about to back down. He needed this, and he just hoped Phil wouldn't ask too many questions.

"Okay... but we need a safe word in case it gets to be too much."

"Alright, how about each other's full names? If I call you Phillip or if you call me Daniel, we know it was too far, okay? But really... I'm not worried." Dan insisted. Phil just nodded, still looking unsure, but the next moment his parents were coming back in and the boys both smiled, patting the other side of the couch for Mr. and Mrs. Lester to sit on. 

They started the movie and turned the lights on dim, and Dan leaned back against the corner where the back of the couch met the armrest, signaling for Phil to come between his legs. Phil did so after only a moments hesitation, and Dan threw a blanket over them, wrapping his arms around Phil from behind, and resting his head on Phil's shoulder. The contact sent shivers through him, and he breathed in Phil's scent, relishing in the closeness.

Throughout the movie, Dan found every way he could to increase their contact. From wrapping his legs inwards to tangle them with Phil's, to pulling Phil even farther backwards against himself, to finally giving into the pull that was dragging face from where it rested upon Phil's shoulder closer in towards Phil's neck until his lips were grazing the soft skin there. Phil's arms were crossed over Dan's that wrapped around his stomach under the blanket, and Phil's thumb was making small movements back and forth over the back of Dan's hand, and it sent electricity shooting through him, relishing in the small, intimate touch. More and more he was realizing just how okay he was with the thought of being with Phil, a boy, romantically, and his previous concerns felt ludicrous when compared with what he could have with his soulmate. 

When the seagulls began chasing the crab in the movie, chanting 'mine', Dan began to tickle Phil, resulting in squeaks and protests from the older boy as Dan whispered 'Mine' over and over in his ear, loud enough for Phil's parents to hear who were looking over with grins, warmth in their eyes as they watched Phil writhe in Dan's arms until Dan ceased tickling Phil's ribs, instead wrapping his torso in a tight hug and squeezing him against Dan until he was sure no air could remain in Phil's lungs, and then pressing a firm kiss into Phil's cheek, and then another into his temple before loosening his grip and whispering one last 'Mine' into Phil's ear. 

"You two are too cute." Catherine chuckled under her breath and Dan giggled as he pressed his cheek against Phil's, smiling huge with his eyes shut. 

"Thank you, I think so too!" he chuckled, and he could  _feel_ the blush radiating from Phil's cheek into his own. 

Dan had been clearly controlling this situation, but suddenly Phil seemed to have had enough and took a deep breath before turning to Dan with a challenging look in his eye. 

"Well... he's cute... I'm just Phil." Phil said with a smirk, and when he leaned in and gave Dan a brief but very  _very_ real peck on the lips, Dan's eyes widened and he was left in shock, staring at Phil who looked just the tiniest bit nervous, but mostly as if he'd just won a battle. 

Dan just sank back into his spot behind Phil, resting his head back on the boy's shoulder, eyes still wide. He'd just kissed a boy. On the lips. He'd kissed a boy on the lips, and he'd  _liked it._ He'd liked it and... he wanted to do it more.

The couples went back to watching the movie, and it wasn't until a loud scene when Phil finally turned his head, bringing his lips to Dan's ear and whispering, "Sorry, was that too much?"

Dan still didn't trust his voice but he wanted Phil to know that everything was alright, so instead of saying anything, he just turned his head and met Phil's lips with his own. He didn't pull away immediately, instead allowing his lips to slowly press into Phil's soft ones, bringing his hand up to cup Phil's cheek. When he pulled away they were both wide eyed, and Dan felt more electricity running through him than ever before. 

Yep, his plan had been a success. He'd  _definitely_ learned more about himself today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch the little easter egg to a DAPG video? The 'You liked it. You want to do it more.' thing ;)


	11. Chapter 11

Dan wasn't the first to look away. 

The eye contact was electric while it lasted, but after a few seconds Phil gave Dan a small shy smile, before turning his back to Dan again, leaning back against Dan's chest as the movie finished. Dan, as if in a daze, just brought his hand up and began rustling his fingers through Phil's hair, playing with it absentmindedly as he allowed the warmth to flood his body, radiating from Phil's back into his chest, still tingling on his lips.

He felt like he should be panicking. He  _should_ be terrified. He  _should_ be planning a desperate escape to get home. He  _should_ be pushing Phil off of him. He  _should_ be trying to convince himself that none of this was real. 

But he didn't want to, and he didn't feel he needed to. 

For once, Dan felt confident. For once, it didn't matter that Phil was a boy. It didn't matter that Dan was a boy. It didn't matter what his parents, or what society would think. The person leaning against him, his  _soulmate_ had instilled new confidence into him, and now all that mattered was that he was falling in love with Phil, and he wanted to be with him.

Dan sighed, almost in relief, as he pulled Phil tight against him again, brushing another kiss on his soulmate's cheek, then resting his face in the crook of Phil's neck. His lips brushed lightly at the soft skin there, and slowly he began to press in a bit, making firmer contact with Phil's neck, moving in and out until he was leaving small, wet kisses on the soft, pale skin there. Phil tensed underneath him and shuddered a bit as Phil's hands rested atop Dan's and quickly moved to hold onto Dan's long, slender fingers.

Dan only got in about three more kisses before Phil gave in and turned his head, connecting their lips once more, and Dan felt as if a black hole had appeared in his stomach, sucking the air out of him, but making him feel light and weightless, tethered only to the ground by Phil as their hands came up to meet each other's faces. The kiss grew as their lips moved against each other, the heat and the tension rising, and then a muffled giggle brought it all crashing down. 

Dan and Phil pulled apart, mortified as they remembered Phil's parents on the other side of the couch. How had they gotten so wrapped up in each other that they forgot his freaking  _parents_ were literally two feet away? But when they looked to see Phil's parents they didn't seem angry or disgusted, more amused as they smiled at the boys.

"We were wondering when you'd finally give in. For new soulmates you haven't been very all over each other. We knew it'd happen eventually, though." Catherine said with a smile as she paused the movie. 

"Why don't you boys take this to a place where we aren't with you though, okay? We can finish the movie later." James grinned and Dan gaped at them as Phil awkwardly stood up, taking Dan's hand in his and yanking him out of the room and up into Phil's room.

"Well that was mortifying." Dan said, wide eyed as he shut the door behind him. He turned around, and was cut off immediately, stumbling back against the door in surprise as Phil moved towards him.

"What the  _hell_ was that, Dan?" Phil nearly shouted, and Dan saw tears pricking the corners of his eyes. 

"I..."

"What the fuck? First you tell me you're not gay, then you're super weird around me, going between cuddling and acting as if I have the plague, and now suddenly you're fucking kissing my neck and kissing  _me?_ What the hell do you expect me to say to that? Are you just playing some sort of sick game with me, because I don't want to be a stupid pawn, Dan!" 

Dan was taken aback by Phil's intensity. Phil had always been sweet and a bit shy, patient and kind. This was an entirely new side to him, and something about hearing Phil swear shook Dan to the core. 

"I... no, Phil, I'm not playing a game. I don't want to hurt you I just..."

"Don't give me some bullshit excuse about this being for my parents. And don't you fucking  _dare_ say that we're just platonic soulmates. You  _know_ that's not true, so you should  _know_ the torture you've been putting me through! But have I complained one time? Have I pushed you to be more even once? No! I know that you don't think you like boys, I know you don't think you could ever love me, and I'm okay being patient. Hell, I'm even okay if nothing ever happens between us romantically, because I care about you, Dan! But it's not okay to go and play with my emotions when you feel like it and then say it's all just platonic. I know you must have urges too, I know you must have some level of feelings because we're  _soulmates, Dan,_ but if you can't come to terms with them, talk to me. Don't fucking use me like a puppet just because you're weak and want to give in to your feelings, only to take yourself away from me a moment later."

Dan was left staring at Phil in shock as Phil stopped his tirade, breathing deeply. 

"Phil I... I'm so sorry. I never meant to use you, this isn't a game to me. I know I have things... to work through. I know it's all going to take time and it's going to be hard, and I'm probably going to make you angry again, probably even more than you are now. But Phil... I..." The words got stuck in Dan's throat as he tried to speak, and Phil held Dan's gaze, his eyes dark and dangerous as he slowly stepped closer to Dan, backing him even tighter against the wall until they were just inches apart. 

"I'm not denying it anymore. I... I have a lot to work through, and it's gonna take time before I'm okay with telling people... I'll want to take it slow, but... Phil I really like you and I'm sick of acting like I don't." 

There was a quick gasp from Phil, and then suddenly Dan's eyes were instinctively shutting as he was pressed against the door by another body, lips meeting his as hands came up to tangle in his hair. The kiss was sloppy and frantic and sparks shot out and through Dan's body. It only lasted a few seconds before Phil pulled back, breathing heavily, resting his forehead against Dan's. 

"We'll go at your pace. We'll always go at your pace, never do anything you're not ready for. Okay?"

Suddenly Dan felt so, so small and he fell into Phil's arms, hugging him tight as tears escaped his eyes, his chin on Phil's shoulder as he clung to his soulmate for dear life. 

"Okay." he agreed, knowing that the journey in front of him would be hard, but he'd just made a very important first step. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this is not the end btw :)


	12. Chapter 12

Dan tried to take deep breaths, his fingers nervously playing with the fabric of Phil's shirt as they laid on Phil's bed. Dan was curled into his side, head on Phil's chest as they talked. 

"So I think we should start with my parents. They already think we're together, so they'll be safe to start with, and we don't have to tell anyone else. It's just you and me, and when we're here we can just be us." Phil suggested, one hand rubbing slowly along Dan's spine, the other playing through his hair, doing everything he could to comfort Dan and make him feel safe. 

"Yeah... yeah, that sounds good. I don't get scared or feel weird around your family... I think I can do that."

"Good. Hey, Dan." Phil said, prompting Dan to tilt his head back to look up into Phil's eyes which were wide with sincerity. "We're going to take this at your pace, okay? All I ask is that you talk to me. Communicate if something is wrong, tell me how you feel about things, okay? I really care about you and I don't want to do anything that will make you uncomfortable or scared."

"Thank you." Dan whispered back, staring into Phil's stormy blue eyes, and then on a whim he pushed himself up on the bed a bit by his feet, stretching to meet Phil's mouth with his own, pressing a brief kiss to his lips before tucking back into Phil's chest. 

They lay there in silence for several minutes, and then Dan began to feel Phil's chest shaking a bit and he looked up with his eyebrows raised, confused about why Phil had suddenly began laughing. 

Phil had one hand over his mouth to hide his laugh, but his eyes were squeezed shut and Dan could see through his fingers that Phil's tongue was poking out between his teeth.

"What?" Dan asked, a hint of a smile to his voice, because it was impossible not to smile when Phil laughed. 

"Nothing, nothing, just... Remember earlier today when you said we should just spend the day acting like we were boyfriends for my parents? Well... I think we've nailed it." Phil giggled, but Dan's eyes were only widening. Phil seemed to notice after a moment, and his laughter faded immediately. "I mean... that  _is_ what we are now... right?" Dan thought for a moment. He supposed it probably was... he just never thought he would have a boyfriend. Though to be fair, he'd never thought he'd be making out with a boy, or have a boy as a soulmate, so he decided he might as well just get over it.

"Yeah... yeah, I'd like that." he responded after a while. Phil only smiled, pulling him closer and breathing in the scent of Dan's hair as Dan smiled into his collarbone.

"Good."

* * *

When the boys were called down for dinner, they came down the stairs hand in hand, and the minute they were on flat ground they had their arms around each other.

"I trust you boys were safe?" James asked with a raised eyebrows and Dan flushed red, grateful that Phil responded quickly so he wouldn't have to.

"It's not like that, dad. But yes, when we do, we will be." Dan felt as if he were about to die of embarrassment, twisting to hide his face in Phil's shoulder.

"Good. Wouldn't want either of you boys to get pregnant." James joked and Catherine rolled her eyes, hitting him lightly with a wooden spoon.

"You never know when to stop, do you?" Catherine asked and James shrugged as he pulled her in for a hug. Dan smiled as he watched them, and the smile turned into a huge grin as he felt Phil lean in to press a soft kiss to his forehead, making Dan just snuggle farther into his boyfriend's arms. 

"Alright my boys, let's eat!" Catherine finally called out, and they all made their way to the table. Dinner was warm and good, and this time Dan and Phil's chairs were pushed flush together so their legs touched and they held hands as they ate. When Dan accidentally had a bit of salad stuck on his lip, Phil leaned over and kissed it off and Dan giggled, kissing him back, and everything felt light and bubbly. Things felt good and right, and Dan didn't want to leave. 

He knew the next day was a school day, though, and he'd certainly overstayed his welcome at the Lesters'. Dinner finished and Dan helped clean up, stalling a bit for time as Phil wrapped his arms around him from behind while Dan scrubbed dishes. Eventually, though, it was time to leave and Phil offered to walk Dan home. 

They walked and made small talk, and the whole time Dan wanted to reach out and grab Phil's hand or put an arm around his soulmate's waist, but he was scared of someone seeing, and he was grateful that Phil understood that and hadn't tried anything. They made it to Dan's house and faced each other to say goodbye, and Dan just couldn't take having a simple hug. 

"Here... come in for a minute? My parents aren't home." Dan assured and Phil nodded after a moments thought, following Dan into the house. 

It was dark and bland, the way his house always was, but neither of the boys paid attention to that as Dan pressed Phil against the door the minute they were inside, putting his hands on either side of Phil's waist, lips melding together in warmth as Phil's hands found Dan's neck and they found their rhythm, moving together against the door, the only sounds being their own breathing and the occasional smack of wet lips. 

It was only seconds before Dan's tongue was making its way past Phil's lips, and he didn't have any experience kissing, but this all just felt so  _right._ He knew soulmates were supposed to match well, having natural physical chemistry, but this was beyond anything Dan could ever imagine. Every touch from Phil felt electric and all he wanted was for more, but he knew he wasn't ready yet. So after a few more moments he began to slow down until he was lazily kissing Phil, alternating from his lips to his cheeks to his nose and forehead, even planting two soft kisses on each of his eyes. Finally their mouths left each other and their foreheads connected, still breathing in each other's air. 

"Thank you." Dan breathed. "For today." 

"Thank _you_. I was starting to think you were going to act like we were just platonic forever."

"I'm so sorry I made you wait."

"It was worth it." Phil said with a lopsided grin and a peck to Dan's nose, making him scrunch up his nose and grin, earning a chuckle from Phil. 

"You should get going." Dan whispered as Phil's lips softly reconnected with his own, moving gently this time, lovingly. 

"I should." Phil agreed, making absolutely no attempt to leave. 

"I'll walk you to school tomorrow?" Dan asked between gentle kisses, the warmth of their lips and the exchanged breaths making Dan feel so,  _so_ at home. 

"Come over early?"

"Of course." Dan agreed, and Phil pressed one last long kiss to Dan's lips, soft flesh squishing together in a warm fuzz, and then he was pulling away and leaving another peck on Dan's forehead. 

"I'll see you tomorrow." Phil breathed as he stood in the now open doorway, casting one last glance back at Dan. 

"See you." Dan agreed.

It turned out that staying in separate houses did absolutely nothing for earning them extra sleep on a school night - they stayed up until 3am texting and Dan fell asleep with a smile on his face, phone in his limp hand with a text from Phil that read, "I can't wait to fall in love with you, Dan <3'

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone… time for an idea! I’ve been wanting to do a writing livestream for a long time, you all know how much I like to interact with you. Who would be interested in a google docs live writing session that may or may not be posted here after? I’d read your suggestions and you all could help shape the story, and maybe we’d try to include some prompts from several readers. Does this sound like something that’d be interesting to you?

Dan woke up to his alarm with a groan, wishing he could just hit snooze forever and skip school. He flopped one arm up to grab his phone and turn off the alarm and then slowly dragged himself into a seated position to keep him from falling asleep again accidentally. Once Dan was upright, he noticed the phone halfway in his palm still and picked it up, clicking the screen on. Phil's text displayed immediately and Dan felt sudden energy course through him, revitalized from the words from his boyfriend, no longer feeling as if he were death on legs. 

Dan hopped out of bed as he sent a quick text to Phil.

**D: hey sorry I fell asleep on you :( be there in a few to walk to school! <3**

It was mere seconds before the response came, leaving Dan grinning dopily, cheeks tinted a light pink.

**P: If only you fell asleep on me ;) Can't wait to see you, hurry up! <3 <3**

Dan smiled at his phone as he quickly showered, got dressed, and brushed his teeth, checking his hair once in the mirror after straightening it, then slinging his backpack over his shoulder and heading down the road to Phil's house. 

He only knocked once before the door was swung open and Phil pulled him inside, taking Dan by surprise as he was pulled into a tight hug and a warm kiss, mint fresh on Phil's breath.

"Good morning." Dan said through a chuckle once they broke apart, Phil grinning at him wildly.

"Well it is now that you're here." Phil responded and Dan rolled his eyes at the joke, but he leaned in for another kiss, relishing in every moment he got with his boyfriend before they had to go to school and act as if they were just platonic.

"So... at first I was thinking we could run to Starbucks and get coffee and something to eat, but..." Phil began, backing up, pulling Dan by his hips until they hit the counter, coming back in for a kiss. "I don't really want to leave until we absolutely have to."

Dan just nodded, agreeing completely with the idea, but too drunk off Phil's kisses to speak properly, especially this early in the morning. 

"I'll just make us a pot of coffee, you're welcome to pour yourself a bowl of cereal, though I'm afraid I ate the last of the good box last night." Phil admitted sheepishly as he planted one last kiss on Dan's forehead and then set off to make coffee.

"I'm not hungry." Dan responded as he followed Phil, wrapping his arms around the boy from behind, inhaling his sweet scent as he watched Phil fill the coffee pot from over his shoulder. 

Soon the coffee was ready and they sat down on the couch, Dan leaning backwards against Phil's chest, Phil's arms over Dan's shoulders as they held their mugs of coffee, sipping slowly as they shared the comfortable silence. 

"You know... I never thought my soulmate would be a boy." Phil said thoughtfully after a while and Dan twisted around to look at him, surprised at the sudden admission.

"Why not?" he asked curiously, taking a sip of his coffee as he watched Phil think.

"I dunno. I guess I also always thought I'd have a platonic soulmate. I always pictured it being a girl who was nice and all, but who didn't really notice me or pay me much attention, and I just would be her friend because I was supposed to. I had some dreams about it and it just seemed to make sense with the quote on my arm... I don't know why I never thought of having a boy as a soulmate, though."

"Well did you think you were gay?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe? I never really thought about it, I suppose. If someone was attractive they were attractive, and if someone was nice, they were nice. Gender hasn't ever really mattered to me." 

Dan felt a wave of envy flash through him, wishing he could be so calm about this all as Phil was, as accepting of this, but he just wasn't. Not yet, at least. 

"Oh." was all Dan said as he turned back around, leaning backwards against Phil once more. 

"I'm glad you're you, though. You're better than anyone I could have ever pictured." Phil insisted, moving in to press a soft kiss to the skin under Dan's ear, making him shiver. 

"Me too. I mean. I never expected you to be... well,  _you_ , but I'm happy you are." Dan agreed and felt Phil squeeze him tighter before letting go and slowly pressing Dan's back until he got the hint to get up so Phil could as well. They rinsed out their cups and grabbed their backpacks, heading for the door. Before they left, Dan pulled Phil back down for one last kiss, smiling into his lips. 

"That'll have to last you a few hours, Lester. Let's get going."

* * *

School was agonizing. Sure, Dan got to spend time with Phil, but every moment they were together he just wanted to hold Phil's hand or hug him or kiss him, and it was hard to focus. Suddenly, Dan understood why new soulmates were always so disgustingly coupley. Once you opened that door to your soulmate and let them in, you never wanted to let go, and they consumed your every thought. Having Phil sat right next to him nearly all day, but not being allowed to touch was one of the hardest things Dan had ever done. 

However, he knew he had to. He wasn't ready to come out, he wasn't ready to tell the world that he was dating a boy - that a boy was his romantic soulmate. Not only did the idea of telling his peers scare him, but if word ever got back to his parents somehow, Dan was scared of how they'd react. It wasn't as if they had any control over his life - he was practically an adult, in his last year of school, and he never talked to his family anyways. But Dan was still frightened of what might happen if they learned he was dating a boy, so he felt much safer keeping that information secret for now. 

This thought was what kept Dan from caving and falling into Phil's arms throughout the day, but finally school was over and Dan and Phil were walking back, arms brushing since they couldn't hold hands. 

"So... do you want to come back to my house?" Phil asked with a shy smile, making Dan's heart tug towards his boyfriend, his own smile coming instinctively as a reaction. The smile was immediately replaced by a small frown, though, as he thought of going to Phil's. 

"I dunno. I feel like I've been over so much... maybe we could go to my house today? My parents are gonna be out till really late anyways, we can just hang out there and maybe order a pizza?" Dan suggested and he let out a relieved breath when Phil smiled and nodded, heading in the direction of Dan's house. They arrived and Dan gave a small tour of his house, not really caring much to show his boyfriend the dreary place he lived, more interested in paying attention to the one bright thing in it. 

"Dan..." Phil started just as Dan finished the house tour, leaving them in his bedroom which he'd saved for last, hoping Phil didn't notice the few pieces of clothes strewn about the room.

"Yeah?" Dan's breath hitched as Phil took a step forward to stand right in front of Dan, reaching up to brush a lock of hair away from Dan's forehead and then bringing his hand to cup the side of Dan's face, studying him. 

"I've had to wait all day, stop stalling." Phil said with a soft laugh, and soon they were kissing, and Dan was melting, and everything was right with the world. The kiss was just the right mixture of sweet but heated, and Dan didn't even notice them moving, but suddenly they were falling onto his bed in a pile of limbs and giggles, and then Phil was pulling Dan on top of him and Dan had his knees on either side of Phil's legs, bodies pressed together as he laid on his boyfriend, kissing him sleepily. He pulled away momentarily to rub their noses together in an eskimo kiss and smiled as he watched Phil scrunch up his nose and giggle, tongue poking from between his teeth. 

The boys eventually ordered a pizza and brought it upstairs, pulling up a movie on Dan's laptop and laying in bed, cuddled up together as they watched the movie. 

Dan didn't even notice as the movie ended and Phil moved the laptop to the floor, flicking off the light and wrapping Dan in his arms sleepily, and soon everything was black, the only thing Dan was aware of being Phil's arms wrapped around him, his breath on his face, and the beating of his heart.

* * *

Dan slept amazingly. Well, he  _did_ at least, before being awakened in the middle of the night by a bellowed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BOY DOING IN YOUR BED?"

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

Dan immediately scrambled away from Phil as a reaction to hearing his father's voice, accidentally waking Phil who grumbled and rubbed his eyes, sleepy and confused as he woke up.

"Dad!" Dan exclaimed in shock, pulling the covers over him even though he was fully clothed and had nothing to hide. 

"What the hell is going on here, Dan? Why is this  _boy_ in your bed?" Dan's father's voice had gone straight from booming and bellowing to frighteningly quiet and tense, and that scared Dan more than the yelling had. 

"I'm... I'm sorry, sir." Phil stammered as he caught up to what was happening, scooting away from Dan on the bed.

"Dad, this is Phil. It's not anything, he just came over to hang out and we ended up falling asleep! He's just my friend!" Dan knew that Phil understood enough to not be hurt by this comment, but it still felt wrong to say. 

"You didn't look like  _just friends_ when I came in here. Remind me when I said that it was okay to invite someone over without asking your parents first? Or when I allowed you to have a boy in your room with the door shut, and have him spend the night? Because I don't remember that. SALLY, COME UP HERE! YOUR SON HAS SOME EXPLAINING TO DO." he called over his shoulder, and Dan trembled as his mum joined his dad in the entrance of his room. 

"Dad I'm sorry you just were at work so I didn't want to bother you. We were um... working on homework and it just got late and we ended up passing out, I'm sorry."

"Bullshit. Do you really think you can really lie to your own  _father?_ You're disgusting. It's wrong for a man to be with another man, it's wrong for two boys to sleep the way you were!" 

"But dad-"

"What's that?" Sally spoke for the first time, cutting Dan off. Dan followed her gaze down to his forearm and quickly hid his tattoo, glancing at Phil instinctively, who looked terrified, and apologetic, and so,  _so_ uncomfortable. 

"It's my quote. You know that." Dan spoke quietly, knowing that nothing in his voice was convincing. 

"Show me your arm." Sally instructed lowly, moving towards Dan.

"But mu-"

"SHOW ME!" Her calm exterior broke as Sally screamed, demanding that Dan hold out his arm. She took it in her hands, angling her head to read the delicate calligraphy. 

"This isn't your mark. You've found your soulmate." she observed, and Dan was honestly surprised that she even remembered enough to know that this wasn't his mark. This was the most he'd talked to either of his parents in years. 

Dan didn't know how to answer her statement so he just looked away and nodded slowly, praying that they'd just leave.

"Let me see your arm." Sally demanded again, and Dan looked up in confusion, only to notice in horror that she was now looking at Phil, expectantly holding her hand out to take his arm and read it. 

"Mum! You can't just ask him to-"

"This boy is in  _my_ house with  _my_ son! I can ask whatever the damn hell I please!" Sally snapped, and Dan watched as Phil looked over at him in terror, and then in resigned apology as he held his arm out. Dan knew that was it, then. Phil's quote had Dan's name in it, there was no possibility of them keeping this secret anymore. 

Sally read the end quote and then showed it to Dan's father, before dropping Phil's arm unceremoniously and looking at the boys as if they were covered in maggots. 

"Leave. Get out of my house." Dan's father said to Phil. Phil looked to Dan, worry clear in his eyes, but Dan just nodded, and soon Phil was slipping out of his room and the house with a quick muttered apology. 

"Dan, you know better." Sally started, sitting on the edge of his bed, voice softening almost so it felt like she was trying to comfort him, promise that this had all been a bad dream. He could feel the anger behind her eyes, though, and he stayed with his knees curled to his chest, making himself as small as possible. 

"You know that when two boys are soulmates, it's platonic. That's why platonic soulmates exist, they're for when there's been a mistake and two boys or two girls have somehow gotten each other's marks. It's just a mistake. Romantic soulmates are boys and girls, and the rest are platonic. You know this. It's not healthy to try and pretend that you could have what normal people have, you'll never have the kind of love that romantic soulmates have. Trying to is just fooling yourself, and it goes against nature. It's disgusting. Son, I thought we raised you better. You should know this." Sally sighed, taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry that it wasn't a girl. I'm sorry you can't find love in that way, but you can't try to force something out of a this... mistake. You'll just have to accept that you'll only ever have a good friend, a companion in life. Hey, maybe one day you can find a sweet girl whose accidentally been paired with another girl, and you two can at least get married and have kids. It may not be the same as soulmates like your father and I... but it's something. But son... you know as well as I do how wrong it is for two boys to be together... right?"

Dan hated everything. He hated this entire situation, he hated his parents, but he hated himself possibly even more, because part of him did agree with what they said. He was raised, along with a good portion of society, believing the things his mum was telling him now. Believing that same-sex soulmates were a mistake, and the definition of 'platonic soulmates' came from soulmates who were the same sex. He grew up believing that trying to form a romantic connection with someone of the same sex - a platonic soulmate - was wrong and impure and should never happen. And as much as deep down he knew that wasn't true now, he still had to work to remember that, because he'd spent so many years believing the lies his family and society had taught him.

Now silence was filling the room, and Dan could feel his parents' eyes boring holes in him, waiting for a response, the tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife. There was a moment when he realized he had to make a decision. To agree with his parents or to stand up for himself and for Phil, and to go against what they'd raised him to believe. 

He'd just decided that it would be better to just bite the bullet and be safe, when the word came tumbling out of his mouth, out of his control. 

"Bullshit." he grumbled unintentionally, eyes snapping up in horror as he realized what he'd said, seeing his parents' eyebrows high on their faces, mouths pressed tightly into lines, looking down at Dan disapprovingly. Suddenly he didn't care. He didn't care what they thought, he was practically an adult, and he wasn't going to be pushed around.

"What did you say?" Dan's father asked slowly and Dan sneered back.

"I said. It's fucking. Bullshit. How do you think you can just come in here and tell me how to live my life after  _years_ of not giving a shit about me? You know I think we could take all the times we've talked in the past  _eight years_ and combine them, and it'd be less than we've talked tonight! You're fucking  _neglectful!_ You can't just hop in and decide when to parent because you're angry, you don't have the fucking right! I like Phil! Hell, I might love Phil, and thanks to  _you_ and the disgusting, close-minded way you raised me, I now have to work through so much of my  _own_ shit just to be a good boyfriend! I'm fucking done with both of you, you don't get to control my life, you don't get to tell me what's right and what's wrong, and you  _certainly_ don't get to insult or discredit the one healthy relationship I have right now, because Phil has done more for me in the few days I've known him than you have my whole life!" Dan watched as his parents' eyes widened and then narrowed, and he prepared himself for what was coming.

"Out." was all that was said, though, and Dan's mouth widened, not having expected that. "Get out." his father continued. "I will not have a gay man sleeping under my roof. You are not my son. You have ten minutes to take what you need and get out, and don't come back." 

Silence filled the room for a moment as Dan took this in. After a few moments he got up and pulled a duffel bag from under his bed, throwing it atop the duvet. 

"Fine." he hissed, and his parents turned and left his room. 

Dan didn't want to cry. He really didn't. But he couldn't control it as tears racked his body, shoving things blindly into his backpack and duffel. He couldn't find his phone and for a moment it caused his crying to become more hysterical, looking around, throwing things from drawers as he searched, but eventually he huffed and gave up. He threw some clothes into the bags, and then he was carrying them out of the house, not even a glance from his parents as they pretended he wasn't even there. 

Dan stood on the pavement, backpack over his shoulders, duffel hanging from his hand, and he stared at the ground. Where was he supposed to go? What was he supposed to do? He was homeless now... how was he going to survive?

Dan didn't even notice his feet start moving until he was standing in front of the Lesters' door at 3:47AM, holding one hand up to knock, wondering if this was a terrible idea. He did, though, having no other options. He knocked and then rang the doorbell, guilt making even more tears come at the thought of waking the family up to ask to sleep there. He felt like such a burden. 

He could only imagine what a sight he was when Catherine opened the door in her pyjamas, eyes blurry from sleep as she took in Dan's hunched form, still sobbing, tears streaming down his cheeks, bags in his hands.

He felt like he was in a trance as Catherine quickly ushered him inside, taking his bags and putting them inside the door. She pulled him into a hug and Dan melted into the reassuring gesture, not hugging back, but taking comfort. 

"Dear... what happened?" Catherine asked as she pulled away, leading Dan to the kitchen. She put on some tea and then came and sat on a stool next to him, looking at him in concern as he stared blankly at the granite countertop. 

"I... my parents kicked me out. I didn't know where to go... I'm sorry I just..."

"Shhh, it's okay. I'm glad you came here. You're always welcome here, okay?" Dan nodded, a choked sound coming out of his throat at the reassurance that it was okay for him to have come here. 

"Thank you. Could I.... I'm sorry, do you think I could maybe stay here for a few days? Just until I figure out where to go... I don't have anywhere else."

Catherine gave Dan a somewhat sad smile as she reached up a hand to wipe some of the tears from his face. 

"Do you remember when we first met and I said you were welcome here anytime? Well I don't lie, Dan. You can stay here as long as you need." Dan nodded, giving her the best smile he could in gratitude. The tea started whistling and Catherine got up, returning moments later for a steaming mug of the soothing liquid for him. He started sipping, but he was still nervous. 

"I just... are you sure... I mean is James okay with it too?"

"Of course he is, dear. We all love you here." Dan nodded, but the expression on his face made it clear that he was still unsure. Catherine sighed and got up, gesturing for Dan to follow her. He did as they walked into the master bedroom, and Catherine walked to the side of the bed where James was sleeping. When she did, his eyes went wide with fear, feeling even worse that now he'd be responsible for waking up two people, but she shook her head at him, assuring that it was okay. Catherine placed a hand on James's cheek, whispering for him to wake up.

"Hm?" he asked after a bit, blinking awake and rubbing his eyes.

"Honey... Dan's here. He's had a rough night... He can't stay at his house anymore, so I told him it was okay for him to be here. He was worried you'd be angry, though, so I just wanted you to be able to tell him how ridiculous that was." Dan bit his lip as James looked over to him, eyes squinted as he adjusted to being awake.

"Well of course you can be here, Dan. That's just stupid. Why would you wake me up for such a stupid question, he's a part of the family, and family can always stay here. Now can I go back to sleep?" 

"Of course, darling. Thank you." Catherine said with a smile, giving James a kiss on the forehead and then ushering Dan back to the dining room.

"You see?" she asked, and Dan knew that if he hadn't already cried himself dry, there would be more tears coming.

"Thank you. So much." he whispered, still in shock that James had called him part of the family.

"You're always welcome here, Dan. Now do you want to go upstairs and get some sleep? I'm sure Phil will be happy to see you."

"I don't want to wake him..." Dan started, unsure. Sure, they were soulmates, but would Phil really appreciate Dan barging in, especially after the way he'd been treated by Dan's family tonight? How would Phil feel about Dan basically inviting himself to come live at Phil's house? What if he was angry?

"Maybe I should just sleep on the couch." Dan finished resignedly. 

"Nonsense, here, I'll help you carry your things up." Catherine insisted, and Dan wasn't really in a position to argue with her. 

He followed her up the stairs, and soon he was quietly tiptoeing into Phil's bedroom, setting his bags down with Catherine, and then she was mouthing 'good night', and shutting the door softly behind her. 

Dan took a deep breath and walked to the edge of the bed, kneeling down so his face was on the same level as Phil's, tentatively running a hand along Phil's arm to wake him.

Phil made a soft sound of confusion as he awoke, and then his eyes widened as they focused on Dan, pulling him in for a tight hug.

"Dan! I'm so glad you're here, what happened? Are you okay?" Phil pulled back away to look at Dan's face, taking in the tear tracts, the puffy eyes and nose, and the fact that Dan wouldn't meet his eyes. 

"I... uh... is it okay if I stay with you a while?" Dan asked meekly after a few moments' silence, feeling more pathetic than he ever had in his life.

Phil's eyes went soft as he scooted over on the bed, holding up the duvet for Dan to crawl under. He did, and was immediately enveloped in Phil's arms, pulled tightly against the boy in a soft but firm hug. 

"Of course, Dan. Always." and Dan felt another choked sob leave him as he snuggled further into Phil, burying his face in his boyfriend's neck as he cried himself to sleep, Phil's hand making constant paths up and down his back as Dan drifted into darkness.


	15. Chapter 15

Dan woke up with a groan, shaking his head and pouting into the fabric his nose was buried in, wrapping his arms tighter around the warm, long pillow he was holding onto. The pillow wrapped its arms back around him and slid a leg between his and he hummed in appreciation as it made the blaring alarm silence. The pillow planted a feather light kiss at his hairline and Dan sighed as he drifted back to sleep. 

He woke again just a few moments later, not having fully fallen asleep, when the pillow brought a hand to Dan's cheek, cupping it, and then pressing its soft lips against Dan. He smiled as he inhaled the sweet scent of the raspberryish pillow, and then suddenly frowned, eyes still closed. 

Pillows didn't kiss. Pillows didn't have hands or arms or legs. Pillows weren't this soft. 

Dan opened his eyes to see Phil, just centimeters away from his face, and Dan smiled as he pressed a soft kiss to Phil's lips, because it was a very nice surprise that this was Phil and not, in fact, a pillow. 

"Good morning." Phil said softly, and Dan smiled as he planted another kiss on the very tip of Phil's nose.

"Mornin'."

"School's in an hour... do you want to go today?" Phil asked, his face flashing with an emotion Dan couldn't quite distinguish in his still half-asleep state. 

"Hm? Why wouldn't we go?"

"Well I mean... you had a sort of tough night last night..." Phil said hesitantly, and suddenly all the memories flooded back and Dan sat up, fully awake now.

"Oh. Right." He said, because he knew he was supposed to say something, but he didn't know what there was  _to_ say.

"Yeah um... Dan... we don't have to talk about it now if you don't want, but.... what happened?" Phil asked, putting a gentle hand atop Dan's on the mattress.

"Uh... well I guess long story short, my parents kicked me out."

"What?" Phil asked, clearly appalled by the confession.

"Yeah um... well at first my mum was trying to convince me that I was just wrong and confused and was just basically... being manipulative and close minded and trying to tell me that we were just platonic and I'd never have a romantic connection with anyone."

"That's awful."

"I know. And yeah um... at first I almost decided to just agree with her so I didn't have to argue, but then I guess I just snapped and told them off and told them that I... how I feel about you, and um... yeah they told me to leave and not to come back. I didn't know what to do, so I came here."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I couldn't find my phone and they only gave me a few minutes to get my things together. I still don't know where it is actually... could you call it?" Phil nodded and picked up his own phone, calling Dan's number as they waited to hear a ring from his backpack. It didn't come. Instead, Phil put it up to his ear when his phone didn't ring, and instead a robotic voice began talking to him. He listened for a bit and then hung up, sighing.

"What was it?" Dan asked, already knowing the answer, but needing to hear it.

"It's been disconnected. Your parents shut off your phone." Phil admitted softly, regretfully, and Dan shook his head, letting a sick laugh escape his throat. 

"Well... I guess it's official. I have literally nothing." Dan slumped his head, hanging it between his shoulders as he rested his wrists on his knees that were pulled up towards his chest. 

"Hey... you have me." Phil nudged, running a hand up and down Dan's side and he sighed, pulling Phil in towards him.

"You're right. Thank you. For letting me stay here, for helping me... Thank you."

"That's what soulmates do."

"No... that's what  _you_ do, Phil." Dan stated, looking Phil intently in the eye, making sure he got his point across. He must have, as Phil's eyes softened and he put a finger under Dan's chin, bringing it forward to connect their lips in a slow, comforting kiss. 

"So..." Phil started, backing away slightly so he could look Dan in the eye. "About school."

"I want to go." Dan said decidedly, his resolve strong. "I don't want to let my parents control my life, and if I start skipping out on school, that's just saying that they have power over me."

"I mean... I don't think anyone could think that if you just chose to take one day off..." Phil countered, but Dan just shook his head.

"No, but I would. I want to go to school."

"Alright... well then, let's go get ready." 

The boys got ready, Dan going to the bathroom to get dressed while Phil got dressed in his room, neither of them sure if the separation was necessary or not, but not wanting to push any boundaries right now. They made their way downstairs and ate a quick breakfast of cereal. Catherine and James moved through the house as they got ready for work, wishing the boys a good day at school, and Dan felt relief surge through him as he saw that they both still seemed perfectly fine with him being here, and it wasn't just a 4AM fluke. 

"Alright boys, have a good day, Dan if you need anything just send me a text, okay?" Catherine offered as she made her way to the door.

"Oh uh... my parents disconnected my phone. I um... I'll just text you on Phil's." Dan said, embarrassment rushing through him at his current predicament. He hated relying on people for things.

"Oh, well yes that should work, we'll see you boys tonight for dinner! Goodbye!" And just like that, the boys were alone. They went back upstairs, hand in hand as they brushed teeth. When they got to the front door, Phil pulled Dan into a hug and kissed his forehead, then his nose, then his lips. 

"You  _sure_ you want to go to school?" Phil asked after a moment, clearly not wanting to leave, since it meant no more kisses when they were in public. 

"Yeah... let's go." Dan responded with a sigh, leaning up to steal one last kiss before opening the door and letting go of Phil's hand. 

School passed slowly, and Dan couldn't help but feel annoyed when he saw soulmates sitting on each others' laps, stealing kisses in the hall, holding hands, putting their arms around each other. Why couldn't  _he_ do that? Logically, he knew he  _could_ , but he couldn't. Not yet. So he just sighed and settled for sending Phil brief looks that he hoped let the other boy know that he missed him, and that he wanted to do all those things. 

At lunch, Dan and Phil sat across from Chris and PJ. 

"How was your weekend?" Chris asked with an arm slung around PJ, grinning up at Dan and Phil. 

"Oh uh... it was... it was okay." Dan mumbled, having been in somewhat of a trance previous, thinking about his parents. Chris's question had snapped him out, and now he was realizing that PJ was looking at him, a concerned question in his eye.

"Are you alright, mate?" PJ questioned, and Dan dropped his head, not able to make eye contact as he shrugged and lied with a soft, 'yeah, fine.'

"How about you? How was your weekend?" Phil asked quickly, clearly trying to change the subject. Dan was so grateful that he shifted his foot over, locking his ankle with Phil's briefly to express his gratitude, before returning his feet to his own space. 

"Oh, we had a blast! We went to an amusement park, and I watched as this one here practically shit himself the whole time, thinking I was gonna die!" Chris enthused as PJ elbowed him.

"It's not funny! Do you really think you dying is funny?" PJ demanded, suddenly serious, and Chris quieted down a little. 

"Sorry." he mumbled, and Dan almost giggled at the sudden change in demeanor. 

"Anyway, we should all hang out sometime soon." PJ suggested, changing the mood and turning the conversation back to Dan and Phil.

"Yeah, definitely. I'm um... kinda dealing with some family stuff right now... but maybe in a few days."

"I'm sorry, man. Let me know if you need anything, okay?" PJ offered with a small smile, and Dan nodded.

"Yeah, thanks. Phil's been really helpful, I think I'm covered, but I'll let you know." Dan started nervously tugging on his sleeve, suddenly feeling anxious as he began to think about his parents, working hard as well to make sure the tattoo on his arm was visible. He noted that Phil had also worn long sleeves each time they'd left the house since they'd gotten their end quotes, and Dan silently thanked him for the small gesture. Dan knew Phil could wear whatever he wanted, but he chose to not show off the thing that could potentially out Dan before he was ready. He couldn't believe he'd gotten so lucky.

Soon lunch was over and classes resumed, and then Dan and Phil were walking back to Phil's house. They walked inside the door and immediately fell into each other's arms, feeling energy spark between them as they pressed their bodies together, relishing in each others touch. Phil's hand was making slow tracks up and down Dan's spine, and Dan's hands played through Phil's hair. 

"I'm so proud of you." Phil whispered after a few moments, and Dan pulled back with a question in his eyes, unsure of what prompted the sudden praise from Phil.

"I mean... you were so sure we were just platonic before. You were so determined not to let yourself feel anything for me, and... I'm just proud of you. I know you're not ready to tell the world yet, but you seem so much sure when we're alone, and I'm just... I'm really happy you came to your senses, Dan Howell." Phil joked at the end, chuckling lightly. "If you'd tried to deny it forever I think I may have exploded." 

"I tried." Dan laughed and Phil nodded, agreeing.

"Yes, you did."

"You made it too hard, though. I mean... how could I say no to this?" Dan asked, giving Phil a quick peck on the lips. "You're just too perfect, Phil." Dan batted his eyelashes up at the slightly taller boy, a small smirk forming on his lips.

Phil looked down at him in interest, and then eventually laughed a little, rolling his eyes.

"What?" Dan asked, his grin growing across his cheeks.

"Stop being so damn pretty, Dan Howell."

Dan just chuckled as he buried his face in Phil's shirt, pulling him close. 

"I like you. Like a lot. You know that, right?" Dan whispered into the fabric of Phil's shirt, nervous for some reason. His nerves were erased when Phil pulled away just enough to come back and connect their lips. 

"I know." was all he whispered, the movement of his lips brushing against Dan's. 

There was a moments pause - a frozen point in time where breathing stopped, movement stopped, and they just stared into each others' eyes, the only movement coming from the slow blinking of their eyelids. 

The moment ended as seamlessly as it had started, and suddenly Dan felt his back against a wall, gasping into Phil's mouth as their lips crashed together, no longer tender. Phil's tongue was invading Dan's mouth and he returned the efforts equally. Dan's hands were on Phil's neck and in his hair, while Phil's fingers pressed marks into Dan's hips, holding him so, so close, but not close enough to touch Phil. Dan was grateful for this, he was certain that if their hips touched, he wouldn't be able to help himself from grinding against Phil, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that yet. 

Dan let out a soft noise as Phil disconnected from his lips, moving to press a sloppy and wet kiss to Dan's sensitive neck, making fireworks explode behind his eyelids, and his entire body tremble. Soon he felt a tug, and realized Phil was sucking at his neck now, moving from spot to spot along his neck and jaw and collarbones, sucking, sometimes light, and sometimes hard enough that Dan squirmed, but it felt  _good._  

Dan let out another embarrassingly girlish sound as Phil reconnected his lips with Dan's finally, biting and tugging at the brunette's lip until it snapped back into place.

"We..." Dan gasped between kisses, using every ounce of his willpower to keep himself from yanking Phil towards him and grinding their hips together. "We should probably..." he got out, and Phil took the hint, beginning to slow the kisses until they were sweet once more. He now did press their full bodies together, but not in a desperate, needy, lust filled way. No, this time in was in comfort as he wrapped his arms around Dan and pulled him in for soft kisses. Dan's already chapped lips were tingling as he felt that several more layers had been shed from the kissing and the bitting and the tugging at his lips in the past few minutes. 

"So... I think you owe the people at that Starbucks an apology card." Phil said lowly after a while, and Dan giggled, confused.

"What?"

"For lying to them and screaming that you weren't gay."

Dan just giggled. He knew that Phil knew he wasn't gay and so technically it was the truth, he was either bi or pan... something... he didn't know enough to classify himself yet. But the point of Phil's joke came across, and he laughed, pulling Phil into a hug and shaking his head into Phil's shoulder. 

"Also you owe me one, for breaking my heart." Phil added and Dan pulled back, relieved when he saw that Phil was smiling.

"What?" he asked again, dumbfounded.

"When you suddenly announced that you weren't gay. I thought maybe I was broken... that the universe had pulled some sick joke and made you my romantic soulmate, but me your platonic one. I figured out eventually that you were just in denial, but for a bit there you had me completely heartbroken, Daniel Howell."

"I'm so sorry." Dan breathed, in shock at his own mistakes of the past.

"It's okay. It all worked out in the end. I just expect you to spend the rest of our lives repaying me." Phil said smugly and Dan rolled his eyes, allowing a smile to come back onto his face as he leaned up to give Phil a quick kiss.

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone notice the little Phil tweet quote in there? ;) Gotta keep the 2009 phan dream alive
> 
> Also sorry if you felt underwhelmed by this chapter. I know it's the first to not really have anything really HAPPEN, but I felt like I wanted to add a chapter of just Dan somewhat dealing with the after affects of his parents, but also falling back into a good pattern with Phil. I know it wasn't super plot heavy, and didn't change the story much, but I hope you were able to enjoy it <3


	16. Chapter 16

Dan couldn't believe how lucky he'd gotten. 

It'd been six days since his parents had kicked him out, and Catherine and James had truly taken him in as a part of the family. Not once did they complain, not once did they seem bothered by the new addition to the house. After Dan got home on the first day back to school, Catherine had added him to the phone plan and picked him up a new phone. They had supplied him with everything he needed, and even offered to change the office into a room for him to sleep in, if he wanted his own space. 

At this, Dan looked over to Phil, who was already shaking his head furiously and wrapping his arms around Dan, kissing his cheek possessively. 

"No! You're not taking him away from me!" Phil tried to sound hostile, but couldn't help giggling, as Dan felt warmth rush to his cheeks. He wasn't used to being wanted, but the Lesters certainly seemed determined to change that. 

School had gotten easier, too. Sure, it was still hell to act like he and Phil were only friends, but they'd gotten better at it, and had also found little ways to sneak around. 

They found a few spots around school that were fairly hidden, and between classes and at the beginning and end of lunch, they'd sneak there and kiss for a few moments, before walking back out. They also began to take cues from PJ and Chris, realizing that the two real platonic soulmates were far more physically affectionate than Dan and Phil were around their peers. A rule seemed to be created between the two. If PJ and Chris could do it, they could do it.

This was how Dan and Phil ended up walking down the halls with their arms around each other sometimes, playfully teasing and flirting with each other, and practically sitting in each others' laps.

Overall, life was beginning to smooth out, and Dan was so grateful.

That wasn't to say that there weren't issues. Of course there were.

Dan had never thought he would miss his family... but sometimes he did. He knew he missed the idea of them - the notion of family more than his actual parents, but there were certainly times where he found himself reminiscing over things that deep down he knew probably weren't so sweet as his memory fooled him into believing. He had nightmares too. Nightmares about realizing that his parents had been right - about waking up one day and realizing he'd been fooling himself this whole time. That boys being with boys was wrong, and realizing that Phil had corrupted him. In these dreams he would race back to his parents and they'd cast him out - no one wanted a boy who'd been tainted by such deplorable actions.

Dan would wake up in a cold sweat, wrapped in Phil's arms as his body shivered even though he was overheated. He would try to wriggle out of Phil's arms because between the combination of the implications of his dream along with the overwhelming heat of their bodies pressed together became unbearable, but each time Phil would mumble in protest, pulling Dan back towards him and planting soft kisses on Dan's forehead or nose or lips, and suddenly Dan would remember that his parents were wrong. How he'd been raised was wrong. Because if Dan was certain of anything, it was that he was falling in love with Phil, and that was an undeniable fact. 

Dan would settle for simply pushing the blankets off of them, which as an added bonus only made Phil cuddle closer to him, and sometimes Phil would even wake up, muttering a low question to ask if Dan was okay. Dan would always say yes. Phil didn't need to know about his dreams, he didn't need to worry about the things that went on in Dan's mind. Dan didn't want to scare him, so he would say he was fine and kiss Phil, humming in happiness and relief after his dream, eventually falling back asleep in Phil's arms. 

It had been as good a week as it could have been, given the circumstances. 

Now it was Saturday, and Dan and Phil were getting ready to head over to Chris's. Chris's parents were out of town, so they were going over to meet him and PJ and spend the night with their friends, who Dan had to admit they'd neglected aside from their lunches at school. 

"Do you think he's gonna have alcohol?" Dan asked as they packed small bags with changes of clothes and toothbrushes. 

"Oh... I dunno, I didn't really think about it. Probably, knowing Chris."

"Yeah, you're right." Dan agreed, worry building in the back of his mind. 

He knew it was ridiculous. He knew he needed to stop worrying, and start showing the people in his life who he really was, but the idea of alcohol loosening his lips worried him. What if he said something about him and Phil? What if Phil said something? 

The boys finished getting ready and went downstairs, saying goodbye to Phil's parents and promising that they'd be safe. 

"Hey." Phil whispered when they reached the door, stopping Dan to look him in the eye. "Everything's gonna be alright, okay? I'm right here with you, and they don't need to know anything."

Dan nodded, smiling a little at Phil's words - he always knew what Dan was thinking, and knew exactly how to help. 

Dan's smile only grew as he felt soft lips against his hairline, and he pulled back and leaned his head back to connect their lips in a real kiss, taking his time to enjoy it before parting and looking up at Phil shyly through his eyelashes. 

"I..." Dan started without thinking, immediately widening his eyes as the word left his mouth, backtracking as he panicked and tried to cover his steps from the words that almost just came tumbling out of his mouth on their own accord. 

"I really like you." Dan settled on, hating himself for how corny and non-committal it sounded. Phil didn't seem to mind, however, as he chuckled lowly and pulled Dan in for a warm, enveloping hug. 

"I like you more."

"Nuh-uh. Impossible."

"Well what can I say? You make the impossible possible, Dan." Phil said with a smile Dan could feel through his hair, and right then, Dan knew he was fucked. 

* * *

Dan had been right. Chris had alcohol that he'd shoved in their faces nearly the moment they'd entered the door. They'd all drank more than they probably should have, and now they were sitting in a circle on the living room floor with a bottle of something - Dan had lost track of what - in the middle of the group. Well, most of them were sitting, Phil was laying his head in Dan's lap. Dan had learned that Phil was a huge lightweight, when one and a half shots in, he'd began uncontrollably giggling and swaying a bit on his feet. 

Now Dan's fingers moved through Phil's hair without thinking, but when he noticed and panicked for a moment, wondering if he should stop, he realized he'd already been doing this for god knows how long, and PJ and Chris didn't seem to mind at all. They'd been very physical together anyways, it wasn't like they were going to judge. 

Conversation had gone from video games to movies to school gossip and back to video games. Now there was a lull and Chris reached out for the bottle of something or other, turning it fully upside down as he gulped the last of the contents and then stood on shaky legs, returning it to the kitchen and coming back with a new bottle.

"Mmm no more." Phil groaned from Dan's lap and Dan giggled at him, shaking his head. 

"Chris maybe we should... stop." Dan paused for a moment as a hiccup rose in his throat but never escaped. 

"Nooo come on guys, the night's just starting! We haven't even gotten to the best part yet!"

"What's that?" PJ asked with an eyebrow raised as Chris took a swig from the bottle and passed it to him, wiping his mouth messily with his sleeve. 

"Truth or dare, of course!"

The three boys groaned at Chris's suggestion, clearly unhappy to be forced into playing the juvenile game, but knowing they'd allow themselves to be forced to do it anyways. 

"Alright... Phil! Truth or dare?"

"Truth. Not getting up. 's comfy here." Phil mumbled into Dan's leg, causing Dan to laugh nervously, but neither Chris or PJ seemed to notice.

"Alright. What's the farthest you've ever gone with someone?" Chris asked with a wink, and Dan felt his ears perk up. He didn't actually know the answer to this, and he was curious. 

"Just kissing. Not a lot of experience, always wanted to wait." Phil mumbled and Dan felt his chest constrict as he realized the implications of what Phil had said. He'd 'always wanted to wait'. Meaning he wasn't anymore. Would PJ and Chris notice? They didn't seem to, however, as they simply waited for the next question. When it didn't come, PJ leaned over and shook Phil's knee. 

"Phil. It's your turn to ask the question."

"Right." Phil muttered into Dan's jeans with a sigh. "Uh... PJ truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"M'kay. Uhm... do you like boys or girls? Or both?" Phil asked, and Dan's eyes widened, moving to PJ, who simply shrugged.

"I dunno. Maybe both. I definitely like girls, and I think I might like guys, I just haven't found one I like yet. In that way I mean." PJ answered honestly and Phil nodded into Dan's lap, seeming to deem PJ's answer sufficient. 

Dan, on the other hand, was baffled. 

Here was his old best friend who he'd known for years, and somehow he'd never known that he might be interested in guys? This fact seemed to turn Dan's already drunk brain upside down, and it only made things more shocking that Chris just nodded, not phased in the slightest. Were they really okay with that? Would they maybe be okay with that if they knew about Dan? He didn't know... but all of this was a shock, and Dan's mind was whirring. 

"Dan. Truth or dare?" PJ asked, shaking Dan out of his stupor. 

"Uh... truth." Dan stammered, unprepared. 

"What was your most embarrassing moment?" PJ asked, but just as Dan began to ponder possible answers to PJ's question, Chris groaned dramatically and shook his head.

"No. You guys don't know how to play this, I'm sick of your stupid truths. Dan, you're doing a dare, and you're doing my dare." The group went silent as they stared expectantly at Chris, Dan swaying lightly side to side from the effects of the alcohol. 

"Okay. Dan. I dare you to kiss everyone in the room." Chris decided after a while, and Dan's jaw dropped. He looked to PJ, but PJ was just giggling and shrugged, as if to say 'good luck!' Dan groaned, and reached down to help Phil up to a sitting position, since he'd been splayed out across Dan's lap. 

Phil didn't seem to have heard much of Dan's dare, and just stared at him as if he were an alien, in complete fascination as he raised a finger to lightly boop Dan on the nose. 

"Here goes nothing." Dan breathed out with a sigh, as he pulled Phil in gently, pressing his lips against Phil's. 

He'd intended it to be a peck. He'd planned to just brush their lips, simply to fulfill the dare. What he hadn't planned for was for Phil to wrap his arms around Dan's torso, pulling their chests together and tangling fingers in Dan's hair as his tongue entered the brunette's mouth, sloppily making out on the floor of Chris's house as Chris and PJ watched, jaws slack. 

"Um... Phil." Dan mumbled as best he could against Phil's lips, but Phil didn't want him to talk. He made that clear as he pressed their mouths together even firmer and pushed Dan backwards until he was on the floor, and Phil was crawling on top of him. 

Dan panicked as he held out his arms, keeping his elbows locked with his hands on Phil's shoulders, holding him away as Phil pouted. Dan glanced over and PJ and Chris and Phil followed his gaze, immediately backing away from Dan and flushing a dark red. 

"Oh my god I'm so sorry, I wasn't supposed to... I shouldn't have... Oh no." Phil buried his face in his hands and began crying softly. Dan just stared around the room for a moment, realizing what had just happened. He couldn't leave Phil to cry, though, so he scooted over to Phil's side and pulled him in for a hug as Phil faceplanted into Dan's shoulder, sobbing quietly. Dan looked over Phil's head on his shoulder at PJ and Chris, panic clear in his eyes. 

Silence took over the room for what felt like hours, but was realistically probably only about ten seconds. Chris was the one to break it, shrugging as he stood up and returned the alcohol to the kitchen. 

"You two are cute. I'm jealous." Chris stated matter of factly, making his way to a couch and laying down, pulling a blanket over him. PJ made his way to the other couch, laying down as well, leaving an air mattress on the ground for Dan and Phil to share. 

"Congratulations, man. Chris was right... you two are great for each other." PJ said after a while, a small smile gracing his features, and Dan felt every bone in his body relax. 

Part of him still wanted to deny it. Part of him instinctually wanted to shove Phil away and act like the idea of them together was preposterous. 

But Dan knew better now and he was able to control his instincts, instead helping Phil to the air mattress and getting them settled in. 

"Thank you." he responded to PJ after a long pause. "I think so too."

 


	17. Chapter 17

Dan woke up completely hangover-less, to his relief.

Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said about Phil. 

At first, when Dan awoke to Phil's groan of discomfort, realizing they were wrapped around each other in sleep with their two friends right nearby, Dan had panicked. He quickly remembered the night before, though, and allowed himself to relax. Maybe this was okay. Maybe he could be okay with Chris and PJ knowing, and maybe that could help him as a next step along the way to coming out. 

So when Dan returned from the kitchen with a glass of water and a pill from the advil bottle Chris must have thought to leave out the night before, he sat back down pressed against Phil instead of leaving space between them. He woke Phil up gently, sighing as Phil groaned in protest, but soon he was coaxing the water and the painkiller into him, and then allowing Phil to fall back asleep on Dan's chest, breathing heavily. 

Of course, when PJ and Chris began to stir, saying sluggish 'good morning's, Dan's heart rate spiked, panicking for a moment at his and Phil's proximity, but quickly relaxing when his friends didn't seem to mind in the slightest. 

"Morning." Dan responded, leaning his head backwards to see Chris as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, then looked to Dan and Phil, taking in their positioning. 

"You two are adorable. It's disgusting." Chris grumbled, but there was no real disgust in his tone, and Dan smiled. 

"You're just jealous." he shot back.

"You're right. I wish we could be in love." PJ chimed in from the other couch. "Hey, Chris, whaddya say? Wanna try it out, see if we were wrong, and we really  _are_ romantic? Because that'd be great, I don't want to be forever alone." 

Chris chuckled and shrugged, and Dan's eyebrows practically met his hairline in surprise as he watched Chris walk over and take PJ's face in his hands, planting a sloppy kiss to his lips. They pulled apart and observed each other for a while, before shrugging and returning to their respective couches. 

"Nope. Oh well." Chris sighed, and Dan began laughing, because he didn't even know how to react to that. 

"So, how long has this been a thing?" PJ asked after a bit, indicating Dan and the unconscious Phil resting on his chest.

"Oh uh... since last weekend. I mean for a while I really did think we were platonic, but eventually it became clear that I was just fooling myself. I just... I grew up with my parents and they're not very... accepting."

"They're awful neglectful homophobes." PJ chimed in, knowing this from years of friendship with Dan.

"Yeah, that. So um... I mean I'm still kind of nervous, and if you guys could not tell anyone, other than Phil's family you're the only ones who know. Well... I suppose my parents do too, but they kicked me out, so they're not really in my life right now."

"Shit man, I'm sorry." Chris said, and Dan shrugged.

"It's alright. I'm staying with Phil, and things are actually going really well. I just... I didn't even think we were gonna tell you guys yesterday, but thanks... for being okay with it all."

"Mate, of course we're okay with it. We don't give a fuck if you're guys, girls, or weird lizard people. You're cute, so just be cute." PJ said matter of fact-ly, and Dan giggled a little, accidentally waking Phil with the shaking of his chest, which had been serving as Phil's pillow.

"Hmm? Why's it so bright?" Phil grumbled as he woke up, squinting up at Dan's face, then focusing in to see PJ and Chris behind Dan. Dan watched as the panic flooded Phil's eyes at the realization of the position they were in, and when Phil began hurriedly trying to back up and crawl away, Dan laughed softly and pulled him back, planting a soft kiss on Phil's hairline.

"It's okay. They know, and they're okay with it." Dan whispered as Chris made a barfing sound behind him, but Dan just turned around and shot Chris a friendly glare, both of them erupting in laughter moments later. 

"Oh okay..." Phil murmured, a look brewing in his eyes as he observed the situation. "So it's totally okay for me to do this, then." Phil grinned as he leaned in and met Dan's lips with his own, pulling one hand up to cup Dan's cheek. 

Knowing that they were being watched made Dan a bit nervous, but the constant contact with Phil and the soft lips against his own were too intoxicating, so instead of pushing Phil away he pulled him closer, breathing in heavily through his nose as he deepened the kiss, smiling against Phil's mouth as he heard Chris and PJ's gagging noises behind him. This, for some reason, only spurred him on, giggling a bit into Phil's mouth as pillows were thrown at them, and he relished in his friend's pretend disgust, slipping his tongue into Phil's mouth and moaning ridiculously. If Dan was going to do something, he was going to commit. 

Phil seemed a bit surprised, but went along with it. They only stopped when Chris and PJ had run out of pillows, so they got off their couches and picked up the ones that had fallen off of the couple on the air mattress, and began hitting them repeatedly with the soft pillows. Dan and Phil broke apart, giggling, and soon they had their own pillows and were fighting back, the situation turning into an all-out pillow fight. 

In the end, Dan and Phil lost, Chris and PJ pinning them down and tickling them until they surrendered. 

The giggly foursome made their way into the kitchen where they searched for food, but came up empty handed. Chris ended up calling and ordering pizza, and the boys spent the afternoon lazily sipping coffee and eating pizza while watching cheesy old reruns on the TV. 

Dan sat close to Phil and eventually put his arm around him, smiling as he relaxed around their friends.

This was good. This was progress. Really, Dan was proud of himself, he'd progressed so much in such a short time, and while he still felt guilty that he wasn't all the way there yet, he had to give himself credit for what he'd done. 

"You're amazing." Dan whispered into Phil's ear, his lips tickling the hair near Phil's neck as they watched their movie, and he smiled when he saw Phil's lips twitch up appreciatively. 

"You're amazing-er." Phil countered, turning his head to place a soft kiss on Dan's cheek. 

The day passed, and Dan and Phil got increasingly comfortable with being open about their relationship in front of the other boys. Chris and PJ never made any judgemental comments, though, and soon Dan's worries had left him. 

Once evening rolled around they said their goodbyes, and headed back to Phil's house. They were greeted by Catherine and James and a warm dinner, which they ate happily. Dan told them about how they had told Chris and PJ, and both parents were so proud as they congratulated the boys and pulled them in for hugs. Dan and Phil just smiled back, and eventually dinner ended and they made their way upstairs, brushing their teeth and then falling into bed. 

"I really, really like you." Dan sighed in between lazy kisses, smiling at the boy in front of him.

"I really, really,  _really_ like you too." Phil said with a giggle, kissing the tip of Dan's nose. At this, Dan felt courage build in his gut and he decided to act on it, shoving Phil over so he was on his back and climbing on top of him, pressing him into the mattress with a firm kiss, their lips pressing roughly together. 

"Mmmphf!" Phil exclaimed in a huff of surprise, but soon he was kissing back, and then their tongues were playing games with each other, and Dan began to realize that he was on top of Phil and their whole bodies were pressed together. He knew his body wanted to move. He wanted to press down onto Phil, grind their hips together, but he was scared. The kisses slowed a bit, and Dan began just nipping at Phil's lower lip, pulling it away and then watching it snap back into place. 

Phil looked up to meet Dan's eyes and reached his hands up into Dan's hair, pulling him gently down to connect their lips. While they kissed, Phil experimentally rolled his hips gently up into Dan's, not so intensely as to scare him or overwhelm him, but almost as an invitation. Dan took a deep breath before returning the motion, slowly lowering his hips further onto Phil's, pressing them together in such an intimate way.

"Slow..." Dan requested and Phil nodded. They kissed gently, lovingly, as they softly made their lower halves connect and then separate, the tension building in Dan's gut, but he didn't let it overwhelm him. Eventually he moved from Phil's lips to his cheek, to his jaw, to his neck and his collarbone, and began sucking at a spot that he knew Phil could hide with a high collared shirt. He picked up pace just the slightest with his hips, using his fingers to press into Phil's sides underneath his shirt as Phil grasped and then let go of his hair, tugging and then releasing. 

Dan breathed in Phil's scent as he continued to leave small marks along his collarbones, and even though they weren't having sex, suddenly the term 'making love' made sense to him. This was slow, it wasn't driven by passion or lust, but by that one word that terrified him so much, that excited him, but that he wasn't sure he could say yet. 

Dan hummed into Phil's skin, lapping his tongue over it, tasting the bit of sweat that made it salty. He felt Phil's hands travel down his back and to the hem of his shirt, questioningly raising it, but not pulling it off yet. Dan paused, thinking for a moment as Phil held his shirt open slightly, still waiting for an answer. 

"Not yet." Dan whispered after a few seconds. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be sorry. Always at your pace." Phil responded, and let the shirt drop back down. 

They continued to kiss and their hips continued to experimentally roll together, but eventually Dan felt that he was pushing himself a bit too far, and he could feel through Phil's pyjama pants that Phil was as well. He didn't want to take it any farther, didn't want to start something he couldn't finish for Phil, so he rolled off with a sigh. Phil curled into his side, putting a leg over his knees and his hand on Dan's heart as his nose nuzzled into Dan's cheek. 

"I love you. And don't worry, I know you're probably not ready to say it back, and that's okay. But I just want you to know that I love you." Phil whispered. 

Dan felt his heart stutter and he turned to look at Phil, expecting tears, or a face that showed that Phil was waiting for a response, but instead he just found a calm, loving smile, and Dan could feel himself melting. He knew Phil was right, though. He wasn't ready to say it. So he decided that silence was the best option, and leaned in to press a soft kiss to Phil's lips in reply. 

"Goodnight, Dan." Phil whispered, closing his eyes as Dan turned his head back to the ceiling, admiring the glowing stars.

"Night, Phil."


	18. Chapter 18

There's always a calm before the storm. 

Always a period of time where everything's going well, things are good, life is smooth, and it lasts just long enough that you start to believe that it could continue that way. 

That calm was the next month for Dan and Phil. 

Their close friends knew, Phil's parents knew, Dan was starting to feel at home at the Lesters', and Dan and Phil were closer than ever. 

But the storm always hits just when you're least prepared.

For Dan and Phil, this was a simple Thursday afternoon at the end of lunch. They'd made a bullshit excuse to leave early from their table, PJ and Chris shooting them looks to say that they knew  _exactly_ why the boys were leaving early, and Dan sticking his tongue out at them in response. 

They made their way to a little corner in the school that was mostly blocked by a tree, and Dan pushed Phil against the wall as he pressed his lips into Phil's, his hands flat against the walls beside Phil's head, effectively trapping him there. Phil's hands found Dan's waist as they fulfilled their daily routine of getting a stolen moment together before returning to school for the rest of the day. 

Usually it was fine. Usually it was great.

Today was different.

Today apparently the universe was working against Dan, because right in the middle of their makeout session, right when Dan was least aware, the two last people Dan would ever want to enter their space did just that. Of course it just  _had_ to be the 'perfect soulmates' of the school, the gigantic rugby player with wide shoulders, who was easily both the most popular and most feared boy in school, and the head cheerleader, who was well known for her gossip and catty-ness. 

Of course Dan would turn around when he heard a cough, eyes widening in fear as he saw they'd been caught, then everything going black after a fist connected with his face, the spit-out word 'fags' ringing in his ears. 

* * *

Dan came to in a hospital bed with Phil, Catherine, and James by his side. He was still a bit woozy from the painkillers, but he gathered that his nose had been broken but it'd been a clean break and they'd been able to re-set it, and that the boy at school had been given a suspension. Dan couldn't quite focus on this, so he just kept himself tethered to reality by clinging to Phil's hand which was in his, nodding incoherently as medical instructions were explained to him, but never taking his eyes off the beautiful boy with the bright blue eyes who was holding his hand.

The next thing Dan was conscious for was being in Phil's bed with cotton swabs up his nose and tape over the bridge of it, pain piercing in his skull. 

"Wh... what happened?" Dan asked groggily, turning to the side and seeing Phil sitting next to him, looking at him as if he were made out of sand and the softest touch could send him crumbling down. 

"You got punched. Um... Andrew and Jess found us after lunch and uh... he yelled and punched you and I screamed, and teachers came. Your nose is broken, but it'll be okay."

"He saw us?" Dan asked, panic rising in his chest. "He saw us. I remember. He called us... he called us..."

"Dan, it doesn't matter what he said. He's an asshole, don't listen to him."

"Phil I... I can't do this." Dan stammered, scrambling off the bed and running down the hall and then the stairs, holding his nose as the blood began flowing with his increased heart rate. Dan scrambled in his pocket for his phone and called PJ, and soon he was darting out of the house and sprinting down the street until he was panting with his hands on his knees, nearly vomiting in the yard outside of PJ's front door.

"Hey mate, what's up? Holy shit are you okay?" PJ's tone changed drastically as he noticed the tape and cotton, and then the bruising and Dan's black eyes.

"Yeah um... no I... can I stay here tonight?" Dan asked, out of breath.

"Yeah, sure man, of course. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Is everything okay with you and Phil?"

"I don't know. I don't want that, I _can't_ want that... I can't do it anymore." Dan whispered, and PJ put his arm around his friend, comforting him. They walked inside and PJ set Dan up on his bed, pulling out a mat and some blankets for himself. 

"I'm sorry. But hey... take some time to think on it, alright? You two are soulmates... you're supposed to be together. And he cares about you... a lot. You're really good together, you don't want to let that go so easily. I don't know what happened, and you don't need to tell me, but just... don't jump to any decisions quite yet, okay?"

Dan wanted to scream. He wanted to shout that they weren't soulmates, that soulmates were ridiculous and stupid and why should anyone let stupid marks control their lives, but he couldn't. He just cried and eventually nodded at PJ's request, ignoring the constant pinging from his phone, and eventually turning it to silent.  

He couldn't do it. He couldn't be what Phil wanted him to be. He knew he'd be hurting Phil - he'd be hurting himself, but he just wasn't strong enough. He couldn't face people at school and have them know he was with a boy, he couldn't handle the taunts, the name calling, the abuse. He wasn't strong enough.

So he cried. He cried until he was dry and then he cried some more, body shaking but no tears coming out. Eventually he cried himself to sleep. He dreamt of Phil, and his body seemed to not be able to take it, waking up regularly through the night, as if to try to spare him the torture of getting to be with the boy in his dreams. Each time he fell asleep, though, Phil was back, and Dan ended up crying even more, wanting to spend just one moment without the beautiful boy controlling his thoughts. 

The dream he finally settled into was one where they were many years older, kids and dogs running around a large backyard. Phil came up and kissed him and he was happy. Phil brought him a drink and sat on the other side of a deck table with his own. Everything was calm and happy, but then suddenly Phil turned and threw the drink into Dan's face, hissing and spitting at him as he screamed about how Dan wasn't enough, was never enough, and could never be enough. He screamed of how Dan was disgusting, how he was a freak of nature, and how he wasn't deserving of anyone loving him, not Phil, not his parents, no one.

Dan knew it was a dream. He knew it was a dream but he couldn't wake up, so he just curled in a ball in his dream, screaming and crying as Phil attacked him with words, piercing into Dan's ears and mind, never to be forgotten. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :( I promise this fic will have a happy ending.


	19. Chapter 19

When Dan finally awoke from his last dream, deciding not to try again and go through his torturous dreams once more, he just sat in the bed, arms wrapped around his knees as he thought. 

He wasn't in love with Phil. He was Dan. Dan liked girls. So what if Phil was his soulmate? The universe had made a mistake. And sure, maybe Phil was his romantic soulmate and that was why Dan was so drawn to him, but that was just part of the mistake made by the universe, and he had to be strong and ignore it, because it was wrong. It was wrong for Dan to like Phil. It was wrong for them to be together.

Deep down he knew that what was wrong was this train of thought. He knew that he cared for Phil, and he knew that they were meant for each other. He was just scared. He was scared, and suddenly everything was out of his control, and he wasn't ready for it. He wasn't ready to face the people at school, wasn't ready to face the teachers or the parents. He'd been slowly getting there, but it was  _so_ important to him to get to control the pace,  _choose_ when he was ready to take the next step. Now that control was gone, the choice was gone, and he was left feeling helpless and terrified. 

The sun came up slowly, and Dan didn't know what he was going to do. He couldn't go to school. He couldn't face the people there. He couldn't go back to Phil's house either... but he felt weird asking PJ if he could just hang out at his house all day. Without thinking, Dan pulled his phone out, and his eyes widened at the dozens of unread messages. He took a deep breath and opened them, reading over Phil's words. 

**P: Dan, where'd you go?**

**P: Are you okay?**

**P: Dan, I'm worried.**

**P: I'll leave you alone, I just want to make sure you're okay.**

**P: Please answer me.**

**P: Dan, I know Andrew and Jess are assholes. I know you're scared... I know this all happened before you were ready. But I'm here for you, okay? Please don't shut me out, I just want to help.**

**P: Dan?**

**P: My mum called a bunch of people, so I know you're at PJ's. I'm glad you're somewhere safe, and not out on some bench somewhere. I understand that you need some time... but please message me when you can?**

**P: I'm going to sleep I guess... it feels empty without you.**

**P: I can't sleep.**

**P: Let's run away. Let's just go to a new town where nobody knows us and start fresh.**

**P: That's probably a stupid idea. Sorry, it's late and my mind is all over the place.**

**P: I miss you.**

**P: I wish you would just say something... but you probably have your phone off, don't you?**

**P: Okay... hope I hear back from you... I'm going to sleep.**

**P: Dan... I understand that you're scared. I understand that you're hurt. I don't want to push you at all. If you need to go back to being friends... that's okay with me. It'll hurt, it'll suck, but it's okay. I know you don't have somewhere else to stay, and I don't want you to feel like you can't be here. You can come back, and everything will be alright, I'll never expect you to do something you're not ready for. I just want to be able to help you... I'm probably gonna stay home from school tomorrow. If I go there'll be questions, and I don't want to answer any of them without talking to you first. I hope you come back... goodnight, Dan.**

Dan felt tears prick behind his eyes, his nose beginning to feel fuzzy. He couldn't be mad at Phil... he just  _couldn't._ Not when Phil was so understanding, so sweet, so patient. Dan knew what he had to do, and he knew it was awful, and he  _knew_ it'd be torture for Phil and it was completely unfair, but he also knew it was the only option. 

Dan stood up and shook PJ's shoulder quietly, whispering that he was leaving to which PJ nodded, then slipped out of the house and started walking down the street.

He almost turned around dozens of times. Almost started walking in another direction all together. Maybe Phil had been on to something. Dan had nothing here... his parents had kicked him out... he might as well just up and leave. He could hop on a bus or a train and go to some unknown town and start over - a blank slate. 

He knew he wouldn't though, and that's what ended him up at the front door of Phil's house, using the spare key that he now knew was hidden in the small planter pot next to the porch. He slipped in, thankfully undetected by Phil's parents as it was still hellishly early, then up the stairs until he was standing in front of Phil's door, heart pounding as he tried to summon the courage to knock. As he stood there, biting his lip and trying to overcome his terror, his phone buzzed. He looked down in surprise, seeing a new text from Phil.

**P: Good morning. Sorry I don't want to bother you, but just wanted to say that everything I said last night still stands. I couldn't sleep without you, and I just... I hope you come back. I promise I won't make you do anything you don't want to.**

Dan gazed down at his phone, in wonder of the timing, when suddenly the door creaked open slightly, and then there was Phil. His wide blue eyes went completely round and his lips parted as he took in Dan's appearance. Dan could tell by the small jolt he made forward before catching himself that he had wanted to wrap his arms around Dan in a hug, but he was keeping himself separate. Dan wasn't sure if he was grateful or not.

"I heard your phone buzz." Phil whispered quietly, as if he wasn't sure Dan was still here, and if he talked too loud maybe Dan would disappear. 

"Um... yeah, I uh... I came back."  _way to go, Dan. Just state the obvious._ "I um... what you said last night. Thank you. I uh... I didn't have anywhere else to go, and I'm not even sure I should be here, but I um..."

"It's okay. Here, come in." Phil opened the door the rest of the way, inviting Dan in. 

He entered awkwardly, fiddling with his fingernails as he stood in the corner of the room. 

"Dan..." Phil started after a few moments of tense silence. "What I said was true. We don't have to be any more than friends, okay? I just hope that we can be at least that... so... will you talk to me?" Dan could see the bags under Phil's eyes. He saw how his skin looked almost a bit grey, and Phil was clearly exhausted, only making Dan's guilt intensify.

"Yeah... yeah, of course we can be friends." Dan agreed, not eluding to any other possibility in their relationship. "I... I'm scared, Phil." Phil's eyes softened at this as Dan finally took steps towards the bed, sitting on the edge near Phil, but leaving space between them. "I wasn't ready for that, and I'm scared of going back. I don't want them to get to control me, and I'm not ready for the whole school to know... because I don't even know everything yet." Phil nodded along, his expression still soft and open, inviting Dan to continue without pushing him. 

"I think I need some time. I just... maybe the weekend will be enough... but I don't know. We can figure out what to say later when we go back to school Monday, but for now... I think I need to take a step back. If...  _if_ I we end up being more than friends... I think I need to be sure this time. I can't have other people think they know everything about us when I'm still confused. I'm... I'm sorry." Dan hadn't dared to look at Phil throughout this, but now he snuck a glance, and what he saw nearly made him take back all his words as he physically felt his heart breaking.

Because Phil didn't argue. He didn't protest. He just smiled and nodded, a sad, sad smile as a single tear rolled down his cheek and he brushed it away, acting as if everything was alright, being strong for Dan, because that was what Phil did. 

Dan felt his own tears rise here, and suddenly he was sobbing and Phil was hesitantly rubbing his back, then when Dan didn't push him away he was moving a bit closer to help comfort Dan, but not getting too close into his space. 

"Shhh it's okay. It's okay. Remember what I said? Always at your pace. It's okay to take a step back if that's what you need." Phil whispered, making comforting circles on Dan's back as his tears fell. Dan could hear the tears in his friend's voice, too. He could hear how Phil's throat was constricting, probably making it hard to make any sound at all, but he was, because of Dan. He was pushing himself because of Dan... like he always did. Dan knew he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Phil at all, but he was too weak to remove himself from Phil's life, so instead he fell into Phil's touch, allowing himself to be wrapped in Phil's hesitant, then comforting arms, sobbing as he knew that he was weak, and everything he was doing was just hurting Phil more, but he couldn't stop, because he was selfish. 

He was selfish, and he couldn't help but yearn for the calm that contact with Phil brought him - the comfort of being wrapped in Phil's arms, the way it helped his breathing slow and his heart rate steady. The way he was suddenly, finally tired, and all he wanted to do was sleep. He wanted nothing more than to just lay down and sleep right now... but he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready, and he knew that would just be cruel to Phil.

So after a few moments, once Dan's tears had been wiped away and no new ones were coming, Dan got up and brushed himself off, clearing his throat. 

"I'm gonna try to get some sleep. You should too... I'm gonna go downstairs... I'll see you, okay?" 

Phil looked like he wanted to say something but stopped himself, nodding slowly. Dan walked out of the room, down the stairs, and into the living room, curling up on the couch. 

He woke up briefly to Catherine putting a blanket over him, and nearly started crying again. He'd been scared that he would be questioned, hounded, maybe even hated for doing what he was doing to Phil. But none of that came, just the simple sweet gesture of laying a blanket over him and then leaving the room, flicking off the light. 

Dan slept.


	20. Chapter 20

Dan woke up and stretched, yawning as he looked out the window to gauge the time of day. Afternoon. He shuffled for his phone and pulled it out, confirming that it was 1:27pm. He sighed and looked around, eyebrows raising when he saw a mug of tea on a coaster atop the coffee table next to the couch. He reached over and picked it up, smelling the sweet and spicy scent of chai. Lifting it to his lips he sipped, expecting it to be cold, but surprisingly it was still fairly warm. Not freshly steeped, but it must have been made in the past fifteen minutes. 

It was delicious so Dan clung to the tea, sipping until it was nearly gone. After he'd had his fill he took a deep breath and got up, knowing there was something he wanted - no,  _needed_ to do. 

He found Phil in his room, staring at the ceiling. After knocking tentatively on the already open door, Dan took a cautious step in.

"Phil?"

Phil's eyes snapped over to meet Dan's, and Dan could immediately tell that he hadn't slept. His heart sank, knowing that this was his fault, but he had to get out what he came here to say.

"Um... I was just wondering... Mario Kart?" Dan watched nervously as Phil's eyebrows came together in confusion, but then a soft and understanding smile spread across his face and he nodded, standing up and making his way towards the doorway. 

"I'd like that." Phil responded, and the soft kindness in his voice was exactly what Dan had been hoping for. 

The boys made their way downstairs and back to the room Dan had slept in, turning on the TV. 

"You drank your tea." Phil observed, a small smile gracing his lips.

"Yeah." Dan affirmed shyly. "It was good... thank you."

The boys gave each other small smiles, but Phil broke their lingering eye contact with a small cough, turning back to the game that was loading, and handing Dan a controller. 

They played for hours, until their thumbs were sore, and even then they continued. Dan loved it. By an hour in he finally felt like he could be himself around Phil, giggling as they swerved around corners and knocked each other off track, cheering as they scored, and fake hitting each other with controllers when they lost. It was nice. It was easy, and seeing Phil's smile seemed to heal all the wounds that had been opened inside of Dan. No matter how much he was hurting Phil, at least he could still make him smile. 

At four, the boys realized that Phil's parents would be home in a little over an hour. Dan sighed as he looked at the time, not wanting to lose this light and easy atmosphere that had grown around him, but knowing that he should talk to Phil before his parents got home. 

"Phil..." Dan started, and his tone must have come through, because Phil turned to Dan with a question in his eyes, then took a deep breath and turned off the TV, turning fully to give Dan his complete attention.

"Yeah?"

"I know that I've been... unpredictable lately. And I've been distant, and I haven't talked to you nearly as much as I should have." Dan watched as Phil's eyes widened, clearly not expecting this from Dan. "I just... it's hard to say something that you know someone doesn't want to hear, but I'm realizing that it's much better than not saying anything at all. I... I know it's not what you want to hear from me... but Phil... I can't be with you right now. I don't know if I ever can. I don't think we should expect that we're just 'on a break' right now, because I don't want to let you down, and I don't think I can take the pressure of constantly having to work towards us being together. I just... I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for it." Dan paused for a moment, shoving the tight lump that had begun to form in his throat back down before continuing. "I understand if you want me to move out. I understand if you don't want to be friends, and... I really am so sorry." Dan shuddered as a shiver ran up his spine, a single tear spilling over his cheek and onto the couch as he raised a hand to wipe it from his face, not daring to meet Phil's gaze.

"Dan..." Phil waited, and Dan understood that he wasn't going to continue until Dan looked up, so he gathered his courage and met Phil's gaze, surprised when all he saw was concern laying there. "Do you think I don't already know that? Of course I would never expect anything more from you. I hope you don't want to move out, because you're my best friend, and I'd like it to stay that way. But if you need space... I understand." At this, a full choked sob left Dan's throat and he rubbed his nose with his sleeve, not caring that it left a trail. He was disgusting and he didn't care, Phil had just said it was okay and they were still best friends. 

"God, I'm a mess." Dan laughed at himself through his tears, doing his best to wipe them away. "I'm sorry I've been such a wreck."

"It's okay. Never apologize for being honest with me, okay Dan?" Phil asked, forcing Dan to look him in the eye.

"Okay."

"Now can I hug you?" Dan melted at the affection in Phil's gaze and he nodded, sobbing once more as Phil scooted closer to him and pulled him into his arms, tracing one hand up and down Dan's spine in comfort. 

They sat this way for a while, and when they pulled apart Dan noticed that Phil's eyes were filled with tears, though the black haired boy made no sound to indicate that he was crying. He just took a deep breath and then smiled at Dan, raising a hand to wipe the tears from Dan's eyes, and then from his own. 

"Can I stay in your bed still?" Dan asked without thinking. The couch wasn't bad, but it wasn't comfortable, and Dan knew how awful it was for him to want to be comforted by Phil right now, but he did, and he wasn't strong enough to act like he didn't. 

"Of course." Phil agreed immediately, only worsening Dan's guilt. "We do need to figure out what we're gonna tell my parents, though." Dan nodded then, considering their options. This was a tricky one. On one hand, telling Phil's parents the truth would crush them, and might just result in Dan not being allowed in the house if the Lesters thought that Dan was hurting their son... which he was. On the other hand they'd continue telling Phil's parents that they were together, which could easily end in disaster. 

"I don't know..." he started, honestly not able to think of anything that seemed like a safe solution.

"We could always say we're just taking a step back. That we're still together, but the whole soulmate thing kind of accelerates things, and since neither of us has much experience, we decided mutually that pulling back would be good for us, so we don't move too fast. But if you're not comfortable with that, we'll just tell them the truth."

"No... that sounds good to me." Dan agrees quickly, amazed that Phil seems to have thought of a real solution to the seemingly impossible problem. 

"I'll tell them tonight... you don't have to worry about it. My mum said something about just ordering food in anyways since her and dad are both swamped at work right now, and probably won't be eating dinner with us. So we won't have to worry too much today... we can just figure out what... this is." Phil reassured Dan. 

"Thank you. For everything, Phil." Dan said suddenly, trying to put as much sincerity into the words as he could so Phil truly understood how much he meant it. 

"You're welcome. Now let's stop crying and have some fun, okay? I just got my best friend back, this should be a happy moment." Dan knew that was bullshit. He knew that Phil had just lost so much and he was just putting on a good face for Dan... but he appreciated it, and so he nodded and smiled, and went along with Phil's plans.

The day passed as Phil had predicted. Chinese was brought back for the boys, and they ended up watching a movie in the lounge while eating, while James ate in the study and Catherine in the master bedroom as they both worked on things for their jobs. The air between the boys felt much clearer, and they were able to enjoy their time together. 

When it came time to go to sleep they both made their way upstairs, brushed their teeth, and then walked into Phil's room. 

There was a moment where both boys stood, staring at the bed, before Dan sighed and climbed in, holding the covers open for Phil to join him. Phil flicked off the light and laid down next to Dan, clearly trying his hardest to leave space between them, even though the bed was tiny and it was nearly impossible. Dan stared at the constellations as he tried to keep his breathing steady, trying not to think about cuddling Phil, touching Phil, kissing Phil. Because he couldn't do that anymore. He couldn't want that anymore, and even if he knew it would make Phil happy, it wouldn't in the long run, and it'd just hurt him when Dan pulled away again, because Dan knew he would. He wasn't ready. 

Several minutes passed of tense silence, both boys straining to stay in positions that would keep them from touching, unable to fall asleep since they had to use their muscles to keep themselves propped up on the edges of the mattress as they stared at the plastic constellations. 

"Dan..." Phil sighed after minutes, and Dan could feel eyes on him, so he looked over to see the faint outline of Phil, his head tilted to look towards Dan. 

"Yeah?"

"You know... I'm not made out of glass. It's not going to destroy me if we touch." 

Dan let out a shaky breath as he relaxed and felt Phil do the same, their arms and sides now touching all the way down to their calves. He wasn't so sure that he had been doing it for Phil anymore. He wasn't sure if  _he_ could take it. The presence of Phil, his touch was always so electric to Dan... it was so difficult to stay away, and Dan was sweating minutes later from the sheer effort of trying not to curl into Phil's side. 

"Tell me to stop." Phil whispered moments later, and Dan sucked in a sharp breath as Phil rolled over, putting a hand on Dan's chest, his ear over Dan's heart as his leg came to rest on top of Dan's knees, Phil entirely curled up around him. Dan was sweating, terrified, but he didn't tell him to stop. Dan was silent as he reached an arm around Phil and pulled him closer, resting his head against the top of Phil's. 

"You sure you're okay with this?" Dan asked after a few minutes, guilt making him go crazy.

"I'm sure. We're just friends, Dan. I understand that." 

"Okay." Dan agreed, breathing in the scent of Phil's hair. Tears fell silently from his eyes as he drifted to sleep, wishing he could be what Phil wanted, but knowing that at least for now... he just wasn't able to. It turns out that knowingly breaking someone's heart who you love might just hurt more than getting your own heart broken. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, someone in the comments reminded me that... DUH you don't celebrate Thanksgiving in England! I'm sorry for that mistake, I hope you can overlook it, it's early and I wasn't thinking :\

Months passed. End of summer turned to fall, and Dan stayed inside on Halloween, deciding to hand out candy rather than go trick or treating. Phil wanted to go, but when Dan made a comment about it being 'immature' and them being 'too old for it', Phil stayed inside as well.

Things weren't as bad as Dan had anticipated when they went back to school. Sure, the news had spread, and sure he got called a few names here and there from jocks, but more often than not someone would tell them off and stand up for him, which Dan hadn't been expecting in the slightest. It had still stung at first, but at this point the novelty had worn off, and no one seemed to care anymore.

Thanksgiving came around and Dan tried to make himself as small as possible, feeling like a complete outsider as Phil's extended family sat around a long table, asking about the boys' relationship. They'd been practically forced to hold hands and act as a couple - something that wasn't too hard since they did sleep together every night, but it still felt strange, and made Dan overthink every little movement that followed that night.

Fall ended and winter began, and snow had fallen. Dan and Phil ran outside into the fresh snow when they woke up to it. They made snow angels, laughing giddily, then ran inside to make some hot cocoa, relaxing and watching Christmas movies by the fireplace as they enjoyed their snow day.

Winter break came and they didn't see PJ or Chris much anymore, but it was okay, because they had each other. Over these months Dan had actually learned how to be Phil's friend, and things were easier between the boys. There were still days when Dan had to resist the pull drawing him towards Phil, but he got better at handling it, making sure not to make contact with his friend. There were days when Dan would find Phil crying and he learned how to comfort him. Phil had been right, he wasn't made out of glass, and he didn't need Dan tiptoeing around him. Now when Phil cried Dan would hold him and rub his back and run his fingers through Phil's hair. They wouldn't talk about why Phil was crying, though. They both knew, and that was a subject neither of them _ever_ mentioned. 

There were days when Dan would cry. Days where he'd be overwhelmed and ridden with guilt, and he'd just break down. But Phil was always there to pick him back up, and somehow he could always manage to make Dan smile and laugh, ridding him of the tears and sorrow.

The boys got comfortable with each other's bodies again. It was different now, but Dan no longer panicked as Phil curled into his chest at night, wrapping his own arm around Phil's back and resting it on his shoulder.

There were times, of course, when it would sneak up on Dan. Days where Phil would cuddle up into him and he'd curl himself back against Phil without much thought, and suddenly he'd be sweating, feeling as if he and Phil were two magnets that were trying so desperately to come together, but Dan had to yank and tug and force himself from Phil, and it was exhausting.

There were times when Dan knew Phil felt this, too.  They happened less often than they did for Dan, but every once in a while Phil would curl in closer to Dan, lacing their legs together and nuzzling into his shoulder and chest, and when Dan would tense and question Phil with his eyes, Phil would mumble a helpless, "Please?" and Dan would crumble, holding Phil closer because he understood. He knew what it was like and he knew Phil wasn't trying anything, so he'd indulge his friend in those moments. 

Those nights were the best sleep Dan ever got. 

Now winter was in full swing and Dan giggled on Phil's bed as he watched Phil stand precariously on bookshelves and desks as he tacked christmas lights to the tops of the walls in his room. 

"You know you already have the stars. Isn't that a bit overkill?" Dan asked, and Phil whipped around, nearly falling off the chair he was standing on, giving Dan an all-too-serious glare. 

"It  _can't_ be too much, they're  _Chrismas lights!_ " 

Dan giggled at his friend and Phil finished putting up the decorations, lighting a candle scented 'Christmas cookies', and turning on 'All I want for Christmas is you'. 

"Phiiiiiw this is the fourth time we've heard this today!" Dan moaned, but Phil just grinned as he hopped onto the bed next to Dan, admiring his work. 

"And we'll listen to it twenty more times by the time the day is over! It's Christmas Eve, Dan! Stop being such a grinch!" Phil elbowed Dan playfully, earning a returned elbow in his ribs as Dan giggled. 

The day passed in a haze of excitement and festivity, sipping warm drinks with marshmallows floating in them, taking walks to look at the Christmas lights in the neighborhood, playing games by the fireplace, and eventually falling asleep, giddily awaiting Christmas day, wrapped in each other's arms. 

* * *

Dan woke up early Christmas day. He always did, his body seemed to understand his excitement and be just as impatient for the day to start as his mind. His eyes snapped open and a smile graced his face, only to soften as he realized Phil was entirely rolled into him, laying halfway on top of Dan as Dan's arms wrapped around Phil's waist, holding him snug. Phil's neck was tilted back and his lips were parted in sleep, pressed lightly to the line of Dan's jaw. Dan felt a tidal wave of warmth rush through him as he pulled Phil closer, tightening his grasp in a comforting squeeze.

He craned his neck to look over and out Phil's window without disturbing the sleeping boy, and gasped when he saw the thick white blanket of snow covering everything. Dan had never experienced snow  _on_ Christmas, and suddenly he felt like there were fireworks in his stomach, popping with excitement as Dan tried to hold still and not wake Phil. He looked back to his friend and his expression warmed once more as he sighed and relaxed back into the bed. 

He was excited for the day, but he could stay here a little while longer. 

After thirty minutes of fondly observing his friends features, soft in sleep, Dan couldn't take it anymore and he raised a hand to cup Phil's face, brushing his thumb over his cheek in an attempt to wake him gently. It worked, and Dan smiled as he watched Phil's sleepy eyes blink open close to his. They just gazed into his stare for a moment, before widening as a smile broke out across Phil's face. 

"Dan! It's Christmas!" Phil squeaked happily, his voice scratchy from sleep.

"Look outside." Dan said with a grin, and when Phil did, Dan could  _feel_ his heart expand at the joy on Phil's features. He let out a soft "Oompfh." as Phil collapsed back onto Dan, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing Dan tightly. Dan smiled and hugged back, inhaling deeply.

"You want to go downstairs?" Dan asked after a moment, excitement clear in his tone.

"Yes! We have to see the tree!" 

The boys raced down the stairs and then stopped in awe at the tree. Dan actually felt a lump rise in his throat as he gazed at it, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. His Christmases all his life had been a small plastic tree that they'd take out of their garage every year. They'd put some ugly ornaments on it, but over the years several broke, so for the past three years the tree had been strangely bare, just three ornaments gracing its plastic branches. Dan had generally just gotten a bit of money for Christmas... his parents didn't know him, and they didn't try to act like they knew him, so he would get a card with a gift certificate or a fifty dollar bill, and that'd be Christmas. There were rarely any presents under the tree, and if there were it'd be something like new blinds, and they were certainly never wrapped. 

Now Dan was amazed by the large fir tree in front of him, decorated richly with warm lights, tinsel, and ornaments, candy canes hanging ever few inches. Underneath the tree , presents were spilling out, and Dan actually felt tears prick his eyes as he saw several addressed to 'Dan'. He still couldn't believe how lucky he'd been to be welcomed into this family, and right now it was all to much for him. He turned into Phil's side, wrapping his arms around his friend's neck as he let out a few tears, softly crying into Phil's shoulder as Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's waist.

"What's wrong?" Phil's voice came softly.

"Nothing. It's so perfect, Phil... I... nothing's wrong. I'm not used to nothing being wrong." Dan tried to explain, and he was glad that Phil seemed to understand as his hand lightly traced up and down Dan's spine, sending shudders through his body as he leaned into the touch. 

Eventually they pulled apart, Dan whispering a soft 'thank you' as he wiped his eyes, and then Catherine and James were coming out in pyjamas and hugging the boys, wishing them a merry Christmas and squeaking as if they were kids, themselves, as they looked at the snow outside. 

Soon hot cocoa was being passed around and they were all digging into pancakes as they sat in the lounge with their stockings laid in front of them, digging through them. Dan thanked James and Catherine probably about twenty times too many within just the first ten minutes, but he couldn't help it, and an embarrassed smile took over his face without his permission as Phil leaned into him teasingly, but warmly as Dan repeated his gratitude once more. 

They moved to the tree, and Dan couldn't believe it when Phil's parents had bought him a sketchpad, a huge set of very nice pencils, a few fine tip pens, and some soft erasers. Dan had gotten into drawing more lately, but he hadn't had anything except scrap paper and mechanical pencils, and he couldn't believe Phil's parents had picked up on this and given him such a thoughtful (and expensive) gift. 

He and Phil received several games for their Play Station together, and chattered excitedly, knowing they'd be trying them out in a few hours. 

Dan smiled as Catherine opened her gift from him - it was a new apron embroidered with hummingbirds, her favorite animal. Her old apron's straps had ripped off and been sewn back on dozens of times, and she was practically jumping for joy when she saw this new one, making Dan's face light up.

James loved his gift from Dan as well - an old record player he'd found in an antique shop. He'd heard James talk several times about an old record collection he'd had, and how sad he was that he had given it away after college along with the record player. It'd been a bit expensive, but Dan had pulled it together with some money he'd made recently off of some dog walking posters he'd put up around the neighborhood. He loved the job - who doesn't want to get paid to walk around adorable fluffy animals, and generally Phil would tag along even though he wasn't getting paid, and his company made it even better. 

Phil's present had been harder for Dan to decide on, and he was nervous as Phil began to unwrap the box. He pulled away the wrapping paper and began unfolding the cardboard, removing the tissues, and then he was pulling it out and Dan was biting his lip nervously, hoping Phil liked it. 

Phil took out the small snow globe and his face lit up as he looked closer, Inside there were two metal boys standing with their arms around each other, looking down at a cow that laid on the ground. Phil's eyes lit up as he looked at it, and then he hurriedly twisted the screw underneath, releasing it to let the song fill the room. Dan watched as Phil's eyes glassed over with tears, and he smiled as the music box inside began plucking away at the notes of 'La Vie En Rose'. Phil had told him near the time they first met that it was one of his favorite old songs, and Dan caught him humming it all the time. 

"How..." Phil whispered, looking to Dan, and Dan shrugged. 

"I found a place that lets you customize them."

Dan smiled as he saw Phil's eyes go back to the figures inside, happy that his friend seemed to understand the meaning of the cow, relating back to Phil's first ever words to Dan.

When Dan picked up his last gift, he spent a moment searching around the tree to ensure that this was his last. He'd seen it immediately in the morning, but wanted to save it until the end, and now he picked up the small box that read;

**TO: Dan!!! :D**

**FROM: Phil <3**

Dan unwrapped the messy paper clung together by one straining piece of tape, allowing the small booklet to fall out. He caught it and looked at the front, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips as he read;

**The Official Phillip Lester Coupon Book  
(Redeemable only by Daniel Howell)**

Dan giggled as he flipped through the pages. Some were mundane things; Phil offering to do Dan's dishes, clean the room, make him coffee or a meal. Others were more extravagant; A trip to the movies, to the theatre, a dinner at whatever restaurant Dan wanted to go to, three hours of as many arcade games as Dan could play at the arcade downtown. Each of these had an amount Dan was allowed, and a box for Phil to tally them off. Things like Phil making Dan coffee had ten uses, doing the dishes had eight, while the movies had four and the arcade had one. 

Dan's favorite part, though, was the last page. It read;

**Unwavering Friendship, Forgiveness, and Second Chances**

Under the spot where the uses should be, Phil had drawn a somewhat crooked infinity symbol, and Dan felt himself getting choked up again. He smiled at Phil, not trusting his voice as he pulled him in for a hug. 

This was the last present of the day, and soon Phil's parents were taking out the garbage and recycling made from the packages, and Dan and Phil were settling into the couch to try out one of their new games. 

They laughed as they played, overjoyed at the energy of the holiday, gratefully accepting the snacks Catherine brought in. After a while they took a break to go outside in the snow. 

Dan wandered aimlessly, admiring the blanket covering everything, when suddenly something heavy and cold hit the back of his head and he whipped around to see Phil grinning wildly as he scrambled to form another snowball.

"No, you don't!" Dan laughed threateningly as he crouched down to make his own, standing up once it was formed and hurling it towards Phil. They both missed and started laughing, moving to create more ammunition. 

The snowball fight only lasted about three minutes, but by the end both boys were exhausted as they called a truce, laying on their backs in the snow next to each other, smiling at the sky. 

Dan smiled as he heard the soft crunch of snow, looking over to see Phil making a lazy snow angel and shaking his head fondly at his best friend. 

"It's so pretty." Phil murmured, and Dan hummed in agreement. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Dan's eyes widened when he felt a snowflake come to rest on his cheek. 

"Phil! It's snowing!" Both boys sat up in excitement as they propped themselves up by their arms behind them, sitting with their legs pressed together. They looked at the sky in wonder as heavy flakes began to fall. Dan smiled at the sky, but then he turned as he felt eyes on him, meeting Phil's gaze with his own, smiles lingering softly on their faces. 

Phil had little snowflakes peppered throughout his hair, and Dan reached out with a gloved hand to pick one out, it dissolving between his fingers. The snow picked up until it was heavy, but Dan and Phil were still just staring at each other. Phil's hand made its way atop Dan's on the snow, and somehow this little touch was more intimate than anything they'd done in months, even though they had thick gloves separating their skin. Dan swallowed hard as he tried to read Phil's features, but something in the older boy's eyes was unreadable. 

"Tell me to stop." Dan repeated Phil's words from months ago as he began leaning in slowly, eyes flicking between Phil's eyes and his lips, not knowing what was happening, but not caring enough to stop himself. He didn't have the energy to keep himself from his soulmate anymore. So when Phil didn't tell him to stop, Dan connected their lips softly, carefully. 

It was a gentle kiss, only lasting a second before they pulled apart, staring at each other with wide eyes. Their lips had been cold when they'd pressed together, but the touch had sent warmth rushing through Dan's body, followed immediately by an intense shudder. 

The two boys gazed at each other for a few more moments before Phil began leaning in, slowly, giving Dan time to back out. He didn't, and soon their lips were moving together, unsure and hesitant, but falling into a familiar rhythm. Soon they weren't kissing so much as just smiling into each other's mouths as Phil's gloves wrapped around Dan's neck and Dan moved Phil to lay down in the snow, hovering over him as he smiled into his mouth, kissing him sporadically. 

"I've missed you so much." Phil whispered after several minutes of light kissing, and Dan's heart melted right then as he lowered himself next to Phil, pulling him in for a tight hug.

"I've missed you too. I'm so sorry it took me so long... can I have a second chance?" 

Phil smiled softly as he leaned in for another gentle kiss, pulling away and looking at Dan through wide blue eyes. 

"Don't you remember? I gave you a lifetime of second chances."

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is officially now my fic with the most hits, and it's not even finished yet! Thank you all so much, honestly when I started on this site I was hoping for like five or ten views on my stories, and now... Just thank you all <3 Now enjoy this chapter guys, you deserve it with how patient you've all been xD

Christmas dinner was full of kisses, cuddles, and knowing smiles from Catherine and James. 

Dan didn't even care if they'd known more than they let on, he was just happy. For the first time in months, he wasn't holding himself back. For the first time in months, he got to hold Phil, kiss Phil, and whisper over and over in his hear how much he liked him, and that he was so, so sorry that he'd been so difficult. 

"You're worth the wait." Phil would respond every time, and it never failed to make Dan blush. 

The end of the night found both boys giggling, feeling as if they were walking on air, as Dan pulled Phil into the room and shut the door. Their lips connected immediately as their hands scrambled on each other's torsos, relishing in the ability to do so, after so much time spent restraining themselves. 

"Are you sure you're okay with all of this?" Phil asked in the middle of things, stopping them to look at Dan. Dan looked back, and took a moment to really consider what Phil was asking. It wouldn't be fair for Dan to just say 'yes' without thinking, because if he changed his mind that'd be cruel to Phil. So Dan took a second to look inwards and search for any part of him that might not be okay with this, not be ready for it. He found nothing as he stared into the gorgeous blue eyes in front of him. 

"I'm ready. I'm in this, Phil. I'm not backing out again." he responded with confidence, and he didn't miss the way that tears began to well in Phil's eyes. "Hey..." Dan whispered softly, pulling himself up on his toes, and pressing his lips gently to one eye, then the other, tasting the tears that got pressed out on his lips as he pulled away. "It's you and me, okay? I'm ready for this, I've spent far too long lying to myself." 

Phil was shaking now as he leaned in to press his trembling lips to Dan's, pulling away after one soft peck. "I still love you. I'll always love you." Phil whispered, and Dan's heart swelled about five sizes. 

"I..." the words choked in his throat. Why? He did... why couldn't he say it? "I...."

"Dan, you don't have to say it back." Phil reassured, but Dan frowned, shaking his head.

"No. I..." he sighed as he couldn't quite bring himself to say it, settling for something that he hoped was almost as good. "I'm falling in love with you." He knew it wasn't the same, but the expression on Phil's face made everything seem okay, and then suddenly hands were on Dan's cheeks, cupping them as lips were pressed to his, and they were falling onto the bed, giggling as they kissed, and everything felt so good, so right, and Dan felt like for the first time in his life, he was exactly where he was supposed to be. 

The giggles eventually faded as the kisses deepened, and suddenly Dan took the leap and began working his tongue between his lips and into Phil's mouth, making circles, playing games with Phil's tongue, swirling, licking, pulling. He moved them so they were lengthwise on the bed, crawling on top of Phil and seeing the surprise in his soulmate's eyes as he took charge, pressing heavily into Phil's mouth. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It didn't matter that Phil was a boy. It didn't matter  _what_ Phil was, all that mattered was that he was  _Phil._ This thought in his mind, Dan slowly lowered his hips onto Phil's, rubbing gently against him as they kissed. Phil's eyes snapped open in surprise, but Dan placed a small peck on his nose to say it was okay, then returned. Suddenly he realized he'd never stopped to see if this was okay with Phil, and pulled away, surprise and worry in his gaze. 

"Is this okay?" he asked gently, staring into Phil's wide pupils, as the black haired boy's face broke out into a grin. 

"Are you kidding me? Of course this is okay, you idiot." Phil's tone was fond, and Dan swooped back down to capture Phil's lips with his own, grinding down this time with more confidence. Phil returned the motions now, and soon their bodies were rolling together, pressing against each other in a way that send fire through Dan's body. Phil's hands found the hem of Dan's shirt, and this time Dan sat up, straddling Phil and putting his hands above his head as he allowed Phil to sit so they were chest to chest, tugging Dan's shirt off of him. Phil's hands found Dan's smooth chest and ghosted over it, taking it all in. Soon his hands had to move, though, because Dan was pulling Phil's shirt off and tossing it somewhere across the room, exploring Phil's body with his own hands, tracing over the tuft of chest hair right in the middle, playing with the springy hairs there. 

After several moments of staring and tracing each other's forms with their hands, Dan wrapped his around Phil's back and slowly lowered them back down until their chests pressed together and Dan's lips found Phil's once again. It was strange. Every time he'd pictured himself in a situation like this, he'd pictured soft breasts pressed against his chest, serving as a pillow of sorts. Now there was only Phil's flat chest, riddled with curly dark hairs, and somehow Dan wasn't disappointed. Not at all, actually, pressing Phil's hard, flat, and very much male chest was sending sparks through him, and it was  _hot._

A small, involuntary moan crept from somewhere deep in Dan's throat, out and through his mouth, and his cheeks flushed as he felt Phil smile against his lips, rolling his hips up into Dan's. 

"Sorry." Dan whispered against Phil's mouth, embarrassed.

"Don't be sorry. It's sexy." Phil responded, and Dan almost giggled at how the words sounded coming out of Phil's mouth. 

"Phil, never say the word sexy again." 

Phil looked like he was about to protest, but thought better of it and just gave Dan a small nod with an embarrassed smile and laugh, biting his lip. 

"You're adorable." Dan whispered down at Phil, and then suddenly they were kissing again, faster this time, hips thrusting into each other as their breathing became ragged, tongues making their way sloppily in and out of each other's mouths, hands grasping at whatever they could reach.

Suddenly one of those things was Phil's buckle on his jeans, and Dan pulled back, looking to Phil with a question in his eyes as his hands grasped the button, ready to undo it.

"Are you sure?" Phil asked, surprise clear on his features. Dan just nodded, and then they were kissing again, but Dan was pushing back up to straddle Phil and Phil was coming with him, sitting up as Dan sprung the button free. Dan shifted off of Phil, his leg coming off of one side of Phil's hip, so Phil could slide his pants down his legs and then kick them off his ankles, leaving him in just his boxers, clearly tented by Phil's arousal. 

Immediately Phil's fingers were working on Dan's own button, locking eyes to make sure it was okay, then pulling the pants down Dan's hips and tugging them off all the way. Phil laid back down on his back and Dan climbed back on top of him, propping himself over Phil so no parts of them touched. Their eyes locked and there was a moment where it felt like time stopped, and Dan got lost in his friend's... his  _boyfriend's_ features. The soft pink lips, plump and slick with saliva. The washed-out blue eyes staring up at him hungrily, pupils dilated all the way. The strong cheekbones, and the dyed black hair, usually down in a fringe, but currently up in a tall quiff. 

Dan's boyfriend was beautiful.

This moment of stillness was broken at the same time by both of them as they crashed together, lips meeting first, and then their bodies as Dan lowered himself, gently testing out the waters as he rolled his hips curiously into Phil's.

Now  _that_ was certainly a sensation he'd never expected to feel in his life.

The paper thin material of their boxer shorts did little to cover them, as Dan felt every part of Phil, rubbing their erections together, sending fire shooting through his groin and up throughout his whole body. This time it was Phil to let out a soft, low groan, and Dan smiled triumphantly as he thrust down with more force, moving his kisses from Phil's lips to his cheek, his neck, his collarbone, sucking marks into Phil's skin, claiming him as Dan's. 

"Holy shit... Dan.... Dan..." Phil gasped between breaths, small moans accompanying his words.

"Mhm?" Dan hummed as he sucked another hickey right at the base of Phil's neck, smiling into the soft skin there. 

"I'm... I..." Dan knew what Phil was trying to say. It was clear by the rock hard member thrusting desperately up into Dan's own, and Dan once again pulled back to sit upright on Phil's lap, pulling Phil with him. His fingers traced down Phil's torso as they kissed, and then he pulled lightly on the waistband of Phil's boxers, pulling back to look into Phil's eyes for approval. When Phil nodded rapidly, looking absolutely wrecked, Dan pulled the boxers down enough to allow Phil's cock to spring free, wrapping his hand around it. At first Dan didn't know what to do, but then he just started thinking of what he liked, and tried to replicate it for Phil. It seemed to work as Phil's eyes rolled back and he actually began falling backwards, Dan grabbing him with his free hand and pulling him close.

Their foreheads rested on each other's shoulders as they panted, the soft sound of skin slapping against skin as Dan jerked Phil off filling the silence, and Dan leaned forward to press soft kisses to Phil's shoulder. 

It didn't take him long, and soon Phil was warning Dan and he was grabbing for his discarded shirt on the bed, pulling it forward until Phil was throbbing white, sticky liquid out, and Dan caught it all with the shirt, stroking Phil to completion. 

They sat there for a few moments, breathing heavily. 

"Wow." Phil whispered, and Dan giggled a bit, proud of himself. He shifted uncomfortably, his own erection still pressing hard against the fabric of his boxers, but soon Phil was pulling those off after a nod from Dan. It was all over within a matter of minutes, and their cum was mixing on the tshirt, balling it up and throwing it into the laundry basket to deal with tomorrow. 

Phil pulled Dan down with him and they lay there, kissing gently, and Dan couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. He really was ready. He was ready to start his life with Phillip Michael Lester, and he was never going to walk away again.

"Merry Christmas, Dan." Phil whispered as the boys drifted off to sleep.

"Merry Christmas, Phil."


	23. Chapter 23

Dan woke up feeling warm, looking down to see Phil wrapped in his arms. At first his heart stalled for a minute and his eyes flew open as he realized he was wearing only boxer shorts, and so was Phil, and they were entirely wrapped around each other. A moment later, though, he remembered the events of the night before and relaxed, a huge smile spreading across his face. 

Had that really happened. Did he  _really_ have Phil back? How had he gotten so lucky to have such a patient and understanding soulmate? Dan stared down at Phil, his smile still lingering as a hand came up to play through Phil's dyed black locks, rubbing them slowly between his fingers, gazing at the soft features of the sleeping boy curled into his shoulder.

The brunette smiled as he leaned down, because he could. Pressed his lips gently to Phil's hairline, because he could. Placed another soft kiss to the tip of Phil's nose, because he could. Grinned, making eye contact with Phil's sleepy blue eyes as the nose kiss woke him, then moving in to press a third tender kiss on Phil's lips... because he could.

"You're beautiful." Dan whispered softly, smiling as he watched Phil wake up, a surprised but happy grin peeking at the corners of his soft and pale lips, followed by a yawn accented by a squeak at the end that made Dan want to melt into the mattress it was so cute. 

"Well of course I'm beautiful, since I'm apparently Sleeping Beauty!" Phil said with a triumphant grin. When Dan only squinted back, confused, Phil elaborated, "You know... you woke me up with a kiss...?" 

Dan shook his head fondly with a chuckle, pulling Phil tightly into his chest. 

"I'll never understand you."

"That's good. Means I can keep surprising you forever." 

"You certainly keep me on my toes." Dan agreed with another soft laugh, before repositioning so they were on the same level, making eye contact before slowly leaning in for a kiss. This wasn't a peck to wake Phil up. No, this was a slow, building kiss, with hands on cheeks and other hands on hips, chests pressed together, and morning breath that no one cared about. It was tongues lazily meeting but never hastening, just slow, gentle kisses filled with feeling. Dan knew that feeling. He knew what that feeling was, and he wanted to voice it  _so_ badly... but the words caught in his throat.

"I love you." Phil spoke the words for him between kisses, and Dan smiled back into Phil's mouth, hoping that that could suffice as a response. 

Eventually the boys had to pull away from each other once their stomachs started rumbling every few seconds, making them both giggle. 

They made their way downstairs after pulling on warm pyjamas, to find James cooking breakfast.

"How was your night?" James asked with a smile, and Dan froze. _Does he know? How could he knew? Will he be mad?_ None of these questions made any sense, but they still began to eat away at Dan's mind, his skin suddenly feeling too hot.

"It was good." Phil responded with a smile, wrapping his hands around Dan's arm and pressing into his side.

"I'm glad you two are back... in a good place. I know things were hard there for a while... you know, with your parents and everything, Dan." 

The coverup was lazy and obvious, but none of them addressed it, as Dan and Phil just nodded and thanked James.

"Well breakfast is gonna be another fifteen or twenty minutes, I'll find you two when it's ready."

"Okay, Dan, you want to build a snowman?" Phil asked, turning to Dan with a glint in his eye that Dan knew he'd never be able to say no to. So he didn't and soon they were out in the snow, laughing as they rolled little balls up into huge mounds, stacking them on top of each other. After the third snowman midsection crumbled, Dan dramatically face planted into a snowbank, smiling into the cold and soft snow pressed against his skin. 

"Hey Dan, Chris and PJ want to hang out." Phil's voice was muffled, and Dan raised his head out of the snow and look back at Phil, eyebrows raised.

"Huh?" 

"Chris and PJ want to hang out today. In like two hours over at Chris's. 

"Oh, okay!" Dan responded with a smile, climbing out of the snow and heading back over to Phil, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and pulling him in for a kiss. "I  _suppose_ I can share you for a bit, seeing as I have you for the rest of my life." he didn't think before the words escaped his mouth, but somehow they didn't seem wrong, and he decided not to overthink them. 

Phil, on the other hand, was clearly affected by this comment as his eyes widened and tears almost immediately began to form, his lips parting in surprise. 

"I..." Phil breathed, seemingly unable to form more of a sentence than the singular word. 

"Phil... you're my soulmate. I... I'm falling in love with you. You're my best friend, do you really think that we're ever not going to be together?" 

When tears began to fall, Dan quickly raised a thumb to brush them away, pressing a soft kiss to Phil's lips in reassurance, pulling back to cup Phil's cheek with his palm, continuing to brush tears away with his thumb as they fell. 

"I'm getting cold, let's head back inside." Phil whispered after a few moments and Dan nodded in agreement, wrapping his arm around Phil's waist as the two made their way back inside. 

Breakfast was warm and delicious, eggs, toast, and sausages. Dan almost choked when Catherine and James were distracted in conversation and he glanced over to Phil, making eye contact as Phil raised an eyebrow and pressed a sausage lengthwise into his mouth, licking it explicitly as he continued to suggestively waggle his eyebrows. Phil was right that morning... the moment Dan thought he knew what Phil would do, he'd turn around and do something that would completely shock Dan, leaving him speechless. 

When breakfast was over, Phil let his parents know that they were headed over to Chris's for a few hours, and might spend the night.

"Alright, well just let me know if you change your mind and decide to head home, so if I'm making food I can make enough for you two, okay?"

Dan raised his eyebrows as he heard it was an overnight, his heart almost sinking ini his chest. He'd just gotten Phil back... did he really want to go a full night without getting to be with him? 

This question was addressed quickly, however, as the boys went up to the room to get things together, and Phil broke the silence. 

"So Chris and PJ really want us to spend the night, but I know at least for myself, keeping myself away from you for a whole day is gonna be torture. I told them we probably wouldn't stay too long, but Chris made me promise to give him a 'maybe'. I think he's planning on getting us drunk again, and trying to get us back together." Dan giggled at this. Chris and PJ had known immediately when Dan and Phil had ended things, and ever since PJ had been holding Chris back as he chomped at the bit, trying to interfere and get the two soulmates back together. 

"Well... we could always make him think it worked." Dan suggested with a grin, and Phil's eyes widened. 

"I thought... I thought you wouldn't want anyone to know." Phil whispered in shock, eyebrows knitting together.

"Phil. When I said I was ready for this... I didn't mean that I'm ready to sneak around with you in private, then act like we're just two 'bros' out in public." Dan made little air quotes with his fingers around the word 'bros'. "I meant I'm ready for this. I still want to take it slow, but I don't want to hide, Phil."

Once again, tears began to fill Phil's eyes, this time not spilling over, just creating a glossy sheen.

"Really?" Phil's voice was tight and strained, thick with emotion.

"Really." Dan promised, sealing it with a kiss that Phil pressed back into with intensity. 

"So we can tell Chris and PJ?"

"We can tell Chris and PJ." Dan confirmed with a small smile. "But let's have some fun with them first."


	24. Chapter 24

"Dan! Truth or dare?" Dan giggled and took a small swig of vodka directly from the bottle before thinking over his options.

"Truth." he responded eventually, grinning when Chris groaned at his answer, clearly having a dare in mind already.

"Uh... who do you like?" Chris asked eventually, clearly giving up with the generic question.

Dan's mind began to whir, thinking of a way to answer this truthfully, but without giving away that he and Phil were back together. The silence stretched out for what felt like ages, before Dan drew in a deep breath and let out a decided, "No one." 

When Chris and PJ groaned, sharing a look, Dan sent Phil a quick glance that said, ' _I'll explain later_ '. Phil nodded and took a sip of vodka, face flushing.

The game had started about twenty minutes ago after an afternoon of snowball fights and then a large dinner that they all shared. Now it was nighttime, and Chris's parents were out - apparently they both worked at night, which meant that the boys got to have some fun in the meantime. The minute Chris's parents had left, he'd pulled out a bottle of vodka and informed them all that they were playing truth or dare, and that they weren't allowed to argue. Now they were all tipsy, and Dan and Phil had been skirting around every question they'd been asked, giving half answers to infuriate their friends... and it was working. Not only that, but both Dan and Phil had only chosen truths this whole time, much to Chris's frustration. 

"Alright... PJ. Truth or dare?"

PJ sighed and shrugged. "Might as well spice it up since you two are being boring tonight. Dare." Dan stuck his tongue out at PJ, who just shrugged and took a large swig from the bottle. 

"I dare you to give Chris the most sensual foot massage you can." Dan said with a grin, and soon Chris's bare foot was sticking itself into PJ's face, which was scrunched up in disgust. Chris loudly moaned through the massage, making it as uncomfortable as possible for everyone involved. Dan giggled and looked over at Phil partway through, catching his eye and smiling as Phil mouthed, ' _Good one._ ' 

After about a minute everyone was done with that dare, and PJ pushed Chris's foot back to him, complaining about the smell of his hands now. "Phil. Truth or dare?" 

Dan looked over to Phil, and was surprised when he saw his boyfriend look back and raise his eyebrows, a glint in his eyes as he shrugged. "Dare."

"Oooooh, finally growing some balls, are you, Philly?" Chris enthused, smiling as he gulped down some vodka, drips spilling out of the sides of his mouth as he grinned. 

"Hey, you're not allowed to call me that!" Phil protested with a chuckle, and PJ raised his eyebrows.

"No? Well who is?" 

"Yeah, Philly. Who is?" Dan chimed in, grinning, because this was the exact purpose of the night. Drive Chris and PJ crazy with their flirting and closeness, without actually admitting anything until the two others were pulling at their hair. 

Phil grinned back and didn't say anything, not protesting Dan's use of the nickname. PJ and Chris rolled their eyes, shaking their heads at Dan and Phil, which only caused the secret boyfriends to giggle. 

"Alright Phil... I dare you to sit on Dan's lap until your next turn." 

With a shrug and a grin, Phil got up and started to move towards Dan, who moved his legs so Phil could sit more easily, patting his lap in invitation. Phil plopped down a bit hard, he was already a clumsy person and now he was tipsy, but then he leaned back against Dan's chest, smiling at the other boys who sat there, eyes wide. 

"Okay. Dan." Phil started, craning his neck to turn and look at Dan, their faces mere inches apart.

"Yeah?" Dan asked, not breaking eye contact with Phil, even though he was yearning to see the look in Chris and PJ's eyes. 

"Truth or dare?"

Dan thought for a moment. He wanted to choose 'dare' since Phil just had, but he couldn't think of anything that Phil could dare him to do that'd keep this thing going, without being too obvious. "Truth." he answered after a moment, still gazing directly into Phil's eyes.

"When's the last time you came?" Phil's question shocked Dan, his eyes widening at not only the crassness of Phil's question, but also the fact that Phil most certainly was thinking of the night before, and knew that now Dan was as well. 

Dan gulped and then coughed, getting over the shock of what Phil had just asked him, and realizing he had to give an answer now. 

"Last night." he admitted honestly, turning back to look at Chris and PJ who looked as if they'd just seen a flying pig. 

"Damn, Phil." Chris murmured after a moment. "Stepping up your game!" Phil just grinned and looked at Dan, who realized suddenly that it was his turn.

"Right. Wait so Phil can move off my lap once it gets back to him?" Dan asked the group, who all nodded in confirmation. "Okay. Chris, truth or dare?" 

Phil wasn't able to stifle his surprised giggle at this one, and Dan was beginning to wonder if it was safe to have your jaw hanging as low as Chris and PJ's were right now. Dan smiled, knowing exactly what he had done in not choosing Phil, and he was basking in his friends' disbelief. 

"Uh... dare?" Chris finally responded, still gaping at Dan. 

"Okay!" Dan responded cheerily, as if he wasn't aware of anything being off. "I dare you to make your orgasm noise." 

Chris complied immediately, leaving all the boys cringing and giggling as Chris finally stopped gyrating into the air and came down with his eyes rolled back and a long sigh. 

"Okay that was something I never needed to see." PJ remarked after a short silence, resulting in cackling laughter from the whole group. 

"Dan!" Chris practically shouted, halting the laughter. "Truth or dare?" 

"I just asked you one, you can't just send it back to me!" Dan protested, but when Chris raised his eyebrows, clearly not backing down, Dan sighed. "Fine, dare." 

"I dare you to kiss Phil."

There it was. The ultimate dare, the thing that all four boys had been waiting for all night, but for two very different reasons. 

Dan decided to play it off nervous, biting his lip and looking to Phil shyly, who was still on his lap. 

"Should we?" he asked hesitantly, knowing full well they both knew he wasn't  _really_ asking. 

"I mean... if you want." Dan thanked the universe that it had sent him a soulmate like Phil, who was always ready to join in on his schemes, immediately picking up the shy and nervous act. 

"Okay." Dan whispered as he began to lean in slowly, wanting nothing more than to tear his eyes away to look at PJ and Chris, but keeping them trained on Phil until he was close enough to close them. 

Their lips connected softly, hesitantly, and it would have been fine to pull away then, but that wasn't the point of tonight. No, Dan drew in a deep breath and reached his arms around Phil, fingers finding holds on Phil's waist as the black haired boy brought his hands up to Dan's face and hair, deepening the kiss. The room was silent save their ragged breaths as Dan smiled into the kiss and tongue was introduced, and then suddenly he was leaning forward and helping Phil to his back while Dan kissed him into the ground, doing everything he could not to start laughing. Finally it became too much, though, and Dan opened his eye that was facing Chris and PJ, grinning as he kissed Phil while watching them watch him, and then winking before giving Phil one final peck and sitting back up, pulling Phil up with him. 

"Wh.... what the hell was that?" Chris broke the silence after several seconds, his voice cracking in disbelief. 

"I don't know what you mean. You dared him to kiss me." Phil responded with an innocent frown, as if he were truly confused by Chris's question. 

"Are you two... are you...." PJ started, eyes darting between Dan and Phil, who were sitting with their sides pressed together. 

Dan caved then, grinning as he put his arm around his boyfriend, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Phil's cheek.

"We got back together yesterday." Dan admitted finally. 

What followed were some of the loudest yells and most painful hugs Dan had ever experienced, but he was giggling as he accepted their friends' congratulations, answering all the questions that were thrown at them. This lasted about half an hour and the novelty seemed to have worn off, and the boys got ready for bed. They set up the same way as last time, Chris on one couch, PJ on the other, and Dan and Phil sharing an air mattress on the ground.

When Dan was fairly certain the other two boys were asleep, he tapped on Phil's shoulder, who opened his eyes and looked up at Dan with a small smile. The brunette hugged Phil closer, and brought his lips to his ear. "Remember the question earlier... when I said I didn't like anyone?"

Phil nodded, remembering, and then pulled his eyebrows together in confusion, asking Dan silently what that had meant.

"I was telling the truth. I don't like anyone... I love someone."

Phil's eyes almost immediately began to water as he pulled Dan in for a tight hug, followed by a long, loving kiss.

Dan felt like he was in heaven, silently thanking himself for having the courage to finally tell Phil how he felt.

"I love you too, Dan." Phil whispered, the emotion showing clearly in his glistening eyes.

The boys smiled at each other and then closed their eyes, breathing in the silence as they began to drift off to sleep.

"You two are disgusting." was the last thing Dan heard, giggling at Chris's quiet, half-asleep comment, not having known he was still awake, but really not being able to find it in himself to care. 


	25. Chapter 25

Dan bit his lip, tightening his grasp on Phil's hand. He was shaking - he didn't want to admit it, but he was terrified.

"Are you sure you're ready? It's really okay if you still want to wait... I understand." Phil offered soothingly, but Dan shook his head, looking straight forward at the school that stood a block away, people milling about before classes started, discussing what they'd done over winter break. 

"Okay I'm ready. Let's go." Dan decided, the words being entirely untrue, but knowing he just had to get over it. Phil gave him one last concerned glance, making sure Dan was sure, and then the two boys stepped forward, hand in hand as they entered the school. 

Some people went silent. Some people kept talking, not even noticing -or if they did notice, not caring - as the boys walked by. It was uncomfortable, especially when people were stopping what they were doing to stare at Dan and Phil, but it was bearable, and soon they were at Phil's locker, and Dan was breathing out, realizing only then that he'd been holding his breath since they entered the building, letting Phil's hand fall so he could unlock and get things out of his locker. 

"Are you okay?" Phil asked Dan quietly, concern clear in his eyes. 

"Yeah." Dan whispered, nodding a bit too quickly as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. "I'm alright." 

"Okay..." Phil responded, clearly not convinced as he shut his locker and turned back to Dan, holding his hand out as an invitation. When Dan took it, lacing their fingers together, Phil leaned in quickly to whisper, "I love you." in Dan's ear. 

Dan's heart melted as he stared at the wide blue eyes in front of him, and suddenly it didn't matter where they were. It didn't matter who saw, he loved this boy, and he was done acting like he didn't.

Leaning forward and cupping Phil's cheek to hold him in place as he flinched backwards in obvious surprise, Dan pressed a quick kiss to Phil's lips, pulling away to whisper back, "I love you too." 

He looked into Phil's eyes and smiled softly as he watched them go from surprise to adoration. He'd made Phil proud, and now Dan was grinning from ear to ear as Phil pulled him in for a hug, rubbing the back of his neck with Phil's long, spindly fingers.

"Well would you look at what we have here, Mrs. and Mrs. Gay and Gayer." the snarl took Dan by surprise, pulling away from Phil and snapping his neck around to see Andrew sneering at them, Jess on his arm looking disgusted as she did a clear full-body scan of each boy with her eyes, then huffed and looked away as if they weren't worth her gaze. 

"Wh-" Dan started, but he was quickly interrupted. 

"You two are disgusting. Don't you know that you're a mistake? This one here?" Andrew indicated towards Phil to Jessica who glanced over, then away again in distaste, "was probably meant to be a girl, and the world just fucked up and stuck a tiny dick on there." 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dan shocked himself as he found himself nearly shouting, stepping in front of Phil.

"Dan-" Phil began, but Dan's head spun around to lock eyes with Phil, shaking his head firmly. 

"No. I'm not putting up with this. I'm not letting-" his gaze snapped back around to Andrew, intentionally looking him up and down, "some arrogant asshole who can't tell his ass from his face insult my boyfriend." Dan didn't know where the sudden confidence came from, he only knew that Andrew had insulted Phil, and no one...  _no one_ was able to do that. 

"What the hell did you just call me?" Andrew's voice was low now, bringing his arm away from Jessica's waist and stepping forward to meet Dan in the middle, his eyes murderous. 

Dan's confidence began to waver when faced directly with the rugby player, but he remembered that this boy... this  _child_ had insulted Phil, and he set his jaw. "I called you an ignorant prick who's almost definitely overcompensating for something by-" Dan didn't get to finish his sentence as a punch was swung at him. Somehow instincts kicked in and he ducked, the fist whizzing above his head. Already crouching, Dan pushed himself forward, slamming into Andrew's waist and bringing him to the ground, scrambling to straddle him as Dan punched one, two, three times, connecting hard with Andrew's jaw until he spat out blood and glared back dangerously. 

It was all over after that. Andrew flipped them over and began laying into Dan, beating him to a pulp until a teacher was alerted and found them, pulling Andrew off the bleeding boy on the ground. Dan was checked and they decided he didn't have to go to hospital - he didn't have anything broken which was good, and he was taken to the nurse's office, Phil following, refusing to leave his side. Dan felt woozy as he walked, questions being shot at him from one side where the teachers tried to figure out what had happened, concern and accusations from the other side where Phil was holding on to Dan's hand, clearly upset that Dan had gotten himself into that situation. Dan couldn't focus on anything that was said, though, and just a few feet away from the room where he'd be allowed to sit down and get bandaged up, everything went black and he was falling.

* * *

When Dan woke up, he didn't open his eyes at first. Everything ached, things stung, and he felt like death. The one thing tethering him to this earth and keeping him from forcing himself back to sleep was the soft, if clammy, hand in his, drawing small circles on the back of his hand with its thumb, sending the general feeling of  _good_ that any touch from Dan's soulmate made him feel. 

The first time he tried to open his eyes, it didn't work. One eye opened to only a slit, unable to make any of the blurry lights in front of him come into focus, while the other stayed shut, feeling as if the skin of his eyelid was pressed to his cheek, swollen beyond belief. He tried again and was able to open his one eye a bit more, the shapes in the room coming into focus. 

"Dan?" the voice came, sounding muted to his ears, but obviously Phil's, and he'd obviously been crying. 

"Hey." Dan's voice came out as a croak, turning his head and wincing at the pain it caused as he looked over to see Phil standing next to the bed Dan was on, staring down at him with tear-filled eyes, holding on tighter to his hand. 

"Never do that again. You scared me." Phil whispered, his eyebrows coming together as he leaned down and pressed a soft, almost undetectable kiss on Dan's forehead. 

"He insulted you. Me... me I can let slide. But you... anyone says something about  _you_... I couldn't not do something." Dan felt exhausted, as if every word was harder to get out than lifting a hundred pound weight, but it felt important so he trudged through, head falling back at the end of his sentence, eyes closing in distant satisfaction that he'd been able to complete it. 

After that, things faded away again into blackness as Dan's breathing slowed, ringing in his ears building until everything went silent.

* * *

Dan came to again in Phil's bed, one eye opening again to see Phil curled up into his side, staring worriedly at him. The minute Phil recognized that Dan had opened his eye, Dan was hit with a flurry of questions asking him how he felt, if things hurt, if he needed anything. 

"I'm alright." he mumbled eventually, almost giggling at his boyfriend's concern. "How did I get here?"

"They gave you some pretty heavy painkillers and some sleeping pills to help, and my mum came and brought us home. Do you need more painkillers? They told me that when you woke up it might be because they were wearing off and you'd wake up in a lot of pain. Are you in a lot of pain?" 

Dan did giggle now, the sensation feeling strange since his lip was split and swollen, making it so only half of his mouth moved when he laughed. "No, I think they're still working, I'm just kinda sore." 

"Okay... do you need any water? Some food? Ice?"

"Phil..." Dan murmured, smiling as he brought his hand up to cup Phil's cheek even though the movement made his whole arm ache. "You're adorable." 

Phil looked down and blushed, a small smile tickling his lips as he looked down at the duvet, leaning into Dan's hand on his cheek.

"I was worried about you. You didn't have to do that, you know that, right?" 

"I know. But I love you, and I'm the only one who gets to make fun of you. Because I love you. People who don't love you don't get to be mean, okay?" 

"Okay." Phil agreed with a soft chuckle, leaning down to kiss Dan's lips lightly. It hurt a bit because of his swollen lip, but Dan couldn't care less. "Just please... next time don't pick a fight with the rugby captain."

Dan giggled, clutching his face to try to keep himself from smiling too big since he could feel his split lip tearing open further. "I'll do my best, Philly."

"Good." was all that Phil whispered as he curled in even closer to Dan, and Dan shifted to wrap his arms around the older boy, ignoring the pain that shot through him at his movement. He didn't care. He loved Phil and that was all that mattered. Honestly he was happy that he'd gotten beat up. It showed him that now everyone knew that he was dating a boy, but the worst thing that had come from that were physical wounds, and his own thoughts and feelings hadn't changed. 

He'd been worried that coming out to the school would leave him hiding from Phil in a bathroom and sobbing, regretting everything and rethinking every choice he'd made in his life, but now, beaten and bruised, all Dan could do was smile and know that he had made the right decision.

"I love you." Dan whispered in Phil's ear, sighing as the drowsiness began to take back over.

"I love you more."

"Bullshit." Dan mumbled as he fell asleep, lulled into the darkness by Phil's soft laughter.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, out of ALL the phanfiction on this site, this fic is at #11 for most comments. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have such an engaged and kind audience (it feels weird to even call you guys an audience, but you know). I just wanted to say thank you so much, and I really treasure each and every comment I receive <3


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I'm so sorry but for the life of me I cannot understand the British school system. I'm going to do my best, but bear with me, as I'm sure I'll be getting some things wrong. I apologize in advance.***

As it turns out, trying to grind down on someone while having huge, painful bruises on your hips is  _not_ the most arousing thing in the world. 

This is what leaves Dan falling onto Phil, wincing as he giggled, Phil laughing into the soft skin of Dan's bare shoulder as he pressed a gentle kiss there.

"We can wait. Once you're better we can come back to this." Phil said with a soft grin, and even though Dan really didn't want to stop, he knew he needed to. Nodding, he rolled off Phil and onto his back, chuckling at the ceiling. 

"I have so many conflicting feelings right now." Dan admitted with a laugh and Phil snorted, leaning over to press a kiss to Dan's cheek. He sighed and got out of bed, going to retrieve his shirt from where it'd been thrown across the room, pulling it over his head and then tossing Dan's over to him.

"Let's get downstairs, dinner's gonna be ready soon."

Groaning, Dan complied and got up, wincing as his leg buckled, catching himself on Phil's shoulder.

"Sorry." he mumbled, eyes squeezed shut in pain.

"Let me help you." Phil's tone was soft, and Dan allowed him to ease Dan's tshirt over his head, then wrap an arm around Dan's waist and support him all the way down the hall, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. 

"Dan, dear, are you feeling any better?" Phil's mum asked, concern clear on her face as she immediately rushed over from the stove to inspect Dan's puffy eye and his split lip, biting her own in concentration. 

"I'm feeling alright, thank you. I'll be fine, just gotta deal with it for a few days."

"You still haven't told me why on earth you got into a fight." Catherine scolded, but her tone was gentle as she returned to the food on the stove.

"Oh, nothing really. I was just being stupid." Dan mumbled, unsure of what the right answer was, glancing over at Phil nervously.

Phil just rolled his eyes at Dan and then addressed his mum. "He  _was_ being stupid, but it wasn't for nothing. He was standing up for me."

Catherine's head spun around then, looking at Phil with her eyebrows furrowed. "Dear, why did you need standing up for? What happened?"

"It was my fault." Dan interjected. "I... I wasn't ready to come out to school for a long time, and today I finally did. Some guy just decided to be an asshole, and said some really fucked up things to Phil and... oh, sorry for my language." Dan realized too late that he'd sworn, and as Catherine made her way over to him he looked down, terrified that she was going to scold him. 

Instead, Dan's eyes widened as he felt gentle arms encircle him, careful not to press too hard due to his bruises and cuts. 

"I'm so sorry." Catherine whispered softly, stroking Dan's back, much like Phil did so often. That must have been where he got it from. "I'm really proud of you for taking that step... and thank you... for standing up for my son."

"I always will." Dan promised as Catherine pulled away, a sad smile on her face, returning to the food. 

"I know, dear."

Dan felt Phil's fingers find his and looked down to see their hands lacing together, glancing up to meet Phil's eyes, which were wide with adoration. Dan smiled, admiring how little Phil attempted to hide his emotions. He was always an open book for Dan, and the brunette loved the amount he could learn from Phil's eyes, no words needing to be uttered. 

In this case, the words were clear, and Dan did his best to replicate them.

 _"I love you too"_ he tried to express with his eyes, and it must have worked because Phil came closer and pressed his lips gently against Dan's cheek, making the younger boy blush. 

Dinner passed calmly, Dan explained to James what had happened and James had a similar reaction to Catherine, praising him for building up the confidence to come out, apologizing for what had happened, and thanking Dan for looking after Phil. Eventually the conversation turned to how work had been, and then how the boys were doing at school. Dan felt his heart drop as Catherine looked over calmly and uttered the words, "So what are your boys' plans for university?" 

Dan hated that question, though it hadn't been asked of him often. When teachers asked he was generally able to get by with a lie, saying he had plans to attend a nearby university and get a degree in law, or something equally boring but respectable. His parents had never asked him, and when fellow classmates asked, he'd find a way to turn the conversation back to them. Now he was cornered, though. 

He was relieved when Phil took the question first, and suddenly curious. Whatever Phil did, Dan wanted to be nearby, so whatever plans Phil might have, they could greatly affect Dan's life. He almost couldn't believe that he hadn't thought to ask Phil yet, and suddenly the stress of his own answer was long gone, and he was just eagerly awaiting whatever Phil had to say.

"Ive been looking at Manchester University." Phil started, and Dan's eyes widened. He had? When? How did Dan not know about this? "I'm thinking of gong for Video Productions... or maybe English. I don't know. I might wait to choose my major, but I want to stay nearby, so Manchester Uni sounds nice."

Catherine and James nodded, reassuring Phil that he had plenty of time to choose a major and didn't need to put the pressure on himself to decide early. Then their gazes moved to Dan and he paled, realizing he was on the spot, but not knowing how to answer. 

"I'm not sure." he replied eventually. Honesty had never gone badly with Catherine and James, so he should give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that they wouldn't be mad. "I'm actually not sure I want to go to university." 

The silence that followed was honestly probably only a second, but to Dan it felt like an eternity. 

James was the one to break it, shrugging as if that was a perfectly acceptable response. "That's fine. University isn't for everyone." Catherine nodded in agreement and Phil gave Dan a little smile. He felt like his world had turned upside down. 

"I... yeah. I don't know if it's for me. And anyways, there's no way I'd have the money to go."

"Oh, hush." Catherine interjected, rolling her eyes. "You know we'd cover tuition for you if you decide to go. If you don't that's completely acceptable, you get to choose how you want to live your life, but if you change your mind we'll always make sure that you have the resources to go to Uni."

If Dan's eyes were golf balls before, they were full saucers now. "You... I couldn't... you wouldn't have to."

"We know we don't  _have_ to, we want to. It's what family does for each other." James said with a smile, and suddenly Dan felt like he was drowning. It was all too much, he didn't know how to handle the emotions rising in him. 

So with a quick, "I'm sorry, may I be excused?" he raced out of the room and onto the back porch, sitting in the corner and wrapping his arms around his knees, staring at the ground between his feet in shock, shivering.

A few moments later he heard the door open. He didn't look up as he heard the footsteps, knowing them too well to have to wonder who they belonged to. When Phil got to Dan he kneeled down, putting a tentative hand on Dan's beck, lightly running it up and down.

"Are you alright?" Came the soft voice, and tears began to fall from Dan's eyes. Why was he freaking out? Nothing bad had happened - in fact many truly wonderful things had just happened. He just didn't know how to deal with it. Dan had never been blindly accepted the way the Lesters accepted him, and it overwhelmed him.

"Yeah." he whispered eventually.

"What's wrong?" Phil continued, sitting down fully next to Dan now and putting an arm around him in a gentle embrace.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong at all, Phil. I'm just..." Dan drew in a deep, shaky breath and allowed his arms to fall away from his knees, wrapping them around Phil's torso and pulling his face into Phil's chest, body shaking as a few quiet sobs escaped. "I'm just really happy."  

"Dan..." Phil's voice was soft, and Dan could hear that his boyfriend was fighting off his own tears as he was hugged tighter to Phil's chest. "I love you so much."

"I know. I love you too." Dan whispered, pulling back just enough to tilt his head up and kiss Phil, tasting the salt from his tears on his own lips. 

"Can we go back inside? My parents think they've done something wrong." Phil asked after a few moments, reaching a hand up to tuck a piece of Dan's hair back behind his ear. Dan nodded and brushed his tears away, standing up and straightening his clothes. 

"I must look a mess." he said with a laugh, shaking his head at himself. 

"A bit." Phil admitted, smiling at his bruised and battered boyfriend, now complete with puffy eyes and a red, running nose. "But you're  _my_ mess." 

"That was so cheesy." Dan rolled his eyes, but he laughed as Phil shrugged, and then they were walking back inside. 

"Dan!" Catherine exclaimed as the boys returned to the room. "Are you alright? I'm so sorry if we said anything wrong..." she and James looked genuinely worried, and Dan shook his head quickly to assure them that they'd done nothing wrong. 

"I'm alright. I'm sorry, I've just... I've never had anyone treat me like you both do, and I guess it was all just a bit too much. I'm just really happy here, and sometimes it gets to be so much that it doesn't feel real, I suppose." 

The Lesters' faces softened as they both got up, coming over to pull Dan and Phil in for a big group hug, promising Dan that they'd never change, and they'd always be there for Dan. He thanked them graciously, and then he and Phil were going up to bed, James insisting that they weren't allowed to do any clean up, that Dan was to take care of himself and heal, and Phil was to help him. 

"So... Manchester University, huh?" Dan asked when he and Phil were in bed, Phil wrapped around his side like usual, Dan's fingers carding through the soft black hair atop his boyfriend's head. 

"Yeah. That is, if you want to be in Manchester. I just want to be with you."

Dan smiled at Phil's response, shaking his head fondly. "You're adorable. I'd love to be in Manchester if it means you get to go to the school you want, and I get to stick by your side." He craned his neck to press a kiss to Phil's forehead, then returned back to the pillow, sighing. "I don't think I'm going to go, though. I'll get a job, maybe we can rent a flat together and live near campus... I just don't think I'd like university."

"That's alright." Phil promised, nuzzling into Dan's shoulder. "And that sounds perfect. I'd love to get our first house together." 

Dan smiled at Phil's comment, his heart fluttering a bit at the phrase their 'first house'. It implied that there'd be more, and even though Dan knew that was the plan for the two of them, it still was sweet to hear, and he couldn't keep his heart from beating a little faster. 

"The first of many." he added, and he could feel Phil's smile spread across his shoulder as his boyfriend nodded. 

"The first of many." Phil confirmed, and then they were drifting off to sleep, the events of the day behind them as they looked forward into their future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also... it may still be a while, but I want your guys' thoughts on some things...
> 
> A) Should they end up being YouTubers? Should this fiction and reality be mixed in that way, or should they get other jobs (Still in creative/entertainment jobs in some way most likely)
> 
> B) When they go to university/get jobs, should other YouTubers we know be side characters (Like PJ and Chris), or should there be original characters? Or a mix?
> 
> Thank you! Can't promise I'll go with what people say, but I want to see what you guys think, and it'll help me make my decisions on how to format this fic :)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm so sorry for all the things I'm probably getting wrong about the British school system.
> 
> Also I know I've never specified where they lived in this fic. I don't have a super specific idea, but it's about an hour away from Manchester (probably Leeds or something)

After the fight, school became bearable. Sure for a few weeks people would give them weird looks in the hall, but no one said anything, and gradually the school got used to seeing Dan and Phil together in the halls. Andrew and Jessica gave them a wide birth, and Dan was sure that that was something the school had required that they do, threatening them with suspensions, or maybe even an expulsion.

Soon Dan was comfortable walking around town holding his boyfriend's hand, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend in the park, stealing a quick kiss as they walked down the street. Things were easy, and life was passing by comfortably. 

Winter turned to Spring, and Catherine and James set up a huge Easter Egg hunt around the house and backyard, Dan and Phil scrambling over each other to find the most eggs. In the end Phil won, because Dan kept getting frustrated, not looking close enough at anything. It probably didn't help that he was getting distracted by the way that the morning light reflected off the soft, pale skin of the boy who was in the middle of pulling a small egg out from under the table on the porch. 

Spring continued and Dan and Phil didn't have much time for anything, focusing entirely on exam season, which was in full swing. Dan wouldn't try too hard on his exams since he wasn't intending on going to University, but Catherine and James had asked Dan to promise he'd do his best so if he ever wanted to go to Uni later he'd have the chance. Dan had promised, and every time that he got too stressed and just wanted to quit, he reminded himself of everything Catherine and James had done for him, and he barreled through the torturous studying. 

Chris and PJ told the boys that they were intending on going to study film in London, and Dan was happy for them, though he knew he'd miss the friends when they went off to the big city. 

Spring began to turn to Summer and exams took place. Afterwards Dan felt like he'd lost 700 pounds, the weight of exams lifting off his shoulders. He was done. Whether he did well or not, he was done, and there was nothing more he could do. 

That night found Dan and Phil gasping as they moved together, sweaty and aroused as Dan used all the tricks he'd learned on how to make Phil fall to pieces in his hands, and then Phil did the same to him. They hadn't been together that way in weeks with exam season happening, and Dan rolled off Phil, breathing heavily as he gathered boxer shorts to clean the sticky substance off Phil's stomach before lazily tossing it towards the laundry hamper and missing, pulling Phil into his side, stark naked and not caring one bit. 

Summer was a flurry of planning, packing, and kisses. The boys spent many days with Chris and PJ, getting in all the time they could as a group before moving tore them apart. Phil got into Manchester, and Dan began to look for flats with him. They ended up settling on a sweet, small flat. One bedroom, one bathroom, a tiny kitchen, and a lounge connected to a small dining room. It wasn't big, but from the pictures it looked homey, and it was just blocks away from Phil's school, and within their price range. Catherine and James had agreed to pay for the flat for the first few months while Dan and Phil looked for jobs, and Dan began searching immediately once they'd officially signed the lease that'd been mailed to them, confirming that they'd be moving into the flat shortly. 

When they did move in, Catherine and James were there with them to help. They got everything into the small flat, and Dan and Phil couldn't stop excitedly squealing as they took in their new home, the one they'd share together and forever remember.

Saying goodbye to Catherine and James was hard. There were a lot of tears, even though Phil's parents would only be an hour away. Dan nearly began to cry as he starting saying his goodbyes, and James calling him 'son' once more took the boy over the edge until he was choking out sobbed "Thank you"s, and promising they'd visit and he'd take care of their son.  

They watched the car drive away, and then Dan and Phil were back in the flat and running around, jumping on furniture, feeling as if they were on top of the world. This was  _their_ place. 

That night they made bad spaghetti and watched movies on Dan's laptop until late at night when Dan finally sighed and shut the computer, moving it off the bed they'd upgraded to. As much as he loved cuddling with Phil every night, a twin simply isn't big enough for two six foot giants, and having a larger bed was one of Dan's favorite things about this new house. 

"It's two am." Dan mumbled with a giggle, looking down at Phil who was curled into his chest, smiling at the mop of dyed black hair that Phil really needed to get cut. 

"I'm not tired. Are you?"

"No."

"Okay." Phil responded as he pushed himself up on the bed, connecting their lips. Dan smiled into the kiss, softly moving their mouths together until it wasn't soft anymore. The kiss deepened and tongue came into play, and suddenly Dan was straddling Phil and they were ripping their shirts off and throwing them against the wall and Dan was sucking on Phil's neck, and Phil was  _moaning_ because he  _could_ now that they didn't share the house with anyone else. The sounds went straight to Dan's groin and he rolled into Phil, allowing his own whimpers to escape before pushing back to tug off his own trousers and then Phil's, following with their boxers and then crashing back together, cocks rubbing in the best of ways as their tongues played games in each other's mouths. 

As it turned out, the minute the boys allowed one noise to escape it was all downhill from there, and suddenly they were moaning and whining, whimpering and grunting loudly as their bodies crashed together, pressing together tightly as Dan's kisses worked themselves from Phil's mouth to his ear, pausing to bite and tug at the lobe of skin there, feeling Phil shudder and smiling at his accomplishment. He continued his kisses down Phil's neck, sucking small spots where he knew a shirt could cover, then leaving soft, wet kisses down Phil's chest. He didn't know what he was doing, and he felt Phil stiffen underneath him, reaching down to tap on Dan's shoulder, signaling for him to pause. 

Dan looked up from where he was, his chin resting on Phil's naked hip as Phil looked back, pupils dilated, hair matted, an utter wreck.

"Dan... you sure?" Phil gasped out. Dan thought for a moment. In all the time they'd been together, things had never gone farther than using their hands. Phil had never asked, and Dan had been too afraid - not knowing how to please a man in that way. Right now he didn't care, though, and he wasn't afraid anymore. He knew Phil would help him with it, and more than ever he wanted Phil in a new way. In a way that felt more intimate than just jerking him off roughly. 

Nodding, Dan looked to Phil to make sure that was okay. When Phil just groaned and let his head fall back, biting his lip and raising his hips in invitation, Dan took the actions as a strong 'yes'. 

He continued his trail of kisses farther down. When his lips came into contact with springy, curled hair, though, he became scared for a moment and continued down to the side, kissing down Phil's thigh as he gave himself a moment to regain his confidence. He moved to the other thigh, and Phil was positively wrecked underneath him, whimpering and shaking, head thrown backwards and hands grasping at the headboard. 

When Dan finally worked up the courage, he placed his tongue lightly against the side of Phil's tip, wrapping his mouth around the warm, swollen member. He felt Phil buck up involuntarily, sending him a bit farther into Dan's mouth, but not hitting the back of his throat. 

"Sor... sorry." Phil gasped, and without another way of acknowledging the apology, Dan hummed, causing Phil's entire body to shiver and Dan knew it was all his boyfriend could do not to thrust up into Dan's mouth. 

Dan slowly made his way down Phil's cock until he was as far as he could get without it pressing into the back of his throat, then pulled back to the tip. He repeated the motion, slowly gaining confidence and picking up speed. It was hard to be  _too_ nervous about being bad while Phil was falling to pieces underneath him. After getting comfortable with the general up and down motion, Dan began to try new things, pulling off completely and licking up Phil's cock before taking it back within his mouth, sucking lightly on the head, lapping it over gently with his tongue - tickling the sensitive skin there. 

It wasn't long before Phil was gasping and tapping on Dan's head and shoulders desperately, stuttering out a breathy, "Dan... Dan... gonna... I'm gonna..." Dan pulled back, knowing what Phil was trying to say. Quickly retrieving a discarded pair of boxers, Dan returned to Phil and stroked him with his hand, the wetness of his saliva causing the motion to be much slicker and easier, and he could only imagine what it must feel like. When Phil shuddered, hips stuttering up into Dan's fist, Dan pressed the fabric of the boxers to Phil's head, catching all of his release and wiping him up gently before discarding them. 

Dan crawled up next to Phil, laying next to him in the bed, smiling shyly at what they'd just done, but truly proud of himself and the way he'd been able to make Phil fall apart. 

"Dan... wow..." was all Phil seemed able to say, breaking into breathy giggles and covering his face with his hands in disbelief, then turning and hugging Dan close, kissing him gently. "Should I..." 

"Not tonight." Dan whispered softly. "Another time. Let's just let tonight be about you."

"Are you sure?" Phil asked, certainly able to feel Dan's arousal pressed against his stomach, but Dan nodded.

"I'm fine. I don't need anything. Let's just go to sleep, yeah?" 

Not having to be told twice, Phil fell asleep almost immediately, clearly spent. Dan smiled as he watched Phil fall asleep, and his arousal slowly faded as he carded his hands through Phil's hair. He didn't know what the future would hold, but he knew he was going to spend it all with his soulmate, and he couldn't wait to experience life together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand time to change the rating to explicit ;)
> 
> HOLY SHIT #4 IN PHANFICTION ON A03 FOR MOST COMMENTS?!?!?! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL OF YOU?!?!! <3 <3 <3 THANK YOU


	28. Chapter 28

Dan was bored.

As much as having a job so soon after moving was nice - and once it came time for his paycheck he'd be grateful for it - this job sucked. 

Phil was at University, and that knowledge was the only thing that kept Dan slowly wandering the aisles of the grocery store, stopping to twist something on the shelf here and there when it seemed to be at the wrong angle, dodging around corners when he saw customers that might ask him where something was. If Phil hadn't been in class and was just at home, Dan might have just walked out there and then, the job not being worth it to him.

But Phil  _was_ in class, and Dan  _did_ need a job, so he continued to lazily stroll through the aisles, yawning when he was sure no one was looking. He tried not to think about life - about how even though he wasn't in college, that just meant he needed to figure out what he was passionate about even  _sooner._ Dan knew one thing he was passionate about, but Phil wasn't a viable career choice. Dan hated thinking about the future, but standing here, nothing to do and no distractions, the pesky subject continued to pop up in his mind. 

What  _did_ Dan want to do? He liked games... maybe he could make a game? No... he knew nothing about that, and he knew himself well enough that he'd get far too frustrated with the logistics and details to ever actually finish one. He could do something with music? He loved music, and when he was young he took piano lessons, and actually wasn't all that bad. No... Dan had a feeling that if music became his job he wouldn't be able to enjoy it anymore, and Dan didn't want to lose that escape in his life. He could find some way to work from home...  but no, he knew himself and if he worked at home he'd just procrastinate everything and get nothing done.

In the end, Dan came up blank and just continued to wander the isles, doing his best to ward off the impending crisis regarding his future. When a customer asked him where to find white beans Dan sighed and directed them there, looking up to catch a death glare from his manager at his unfriendly attitude. Yes, Dan was not going to last long here. But he couldn't find it in himself to care. 

Five hours later he was headed home, walking the few short blocks to the flat and unlocking it. He knew Phil would probably still be on campus, but he still called out, "Phil?" in the slight hopes that plans may have changed and his boyfriend would be here. Dan's voice echoed around the flat and he sighed, taking the bag of groceries he'd gotten with his employee discount from the store to the kitchen. He pulled out a bunch of veggies and chicken, and began slicing and frying things, making up a nice aromatic stir fry. 

Maybe Dan could work as a chef.

No... in the safety of his own kitchen with only him cooking Dan still burnt and sliced himself and dropped things more than imaginable. He was far too clumsy to work in a fast paced kitchen with several other people moving about it at the same time as him. 

When food was nearly ready Dan pulled out his phone, sending a quick text to Phil to let him know that dinner would be ready in a few. He got a text back just a few moments later saying that Phil was on his way and would be there in a minute. 

Dan smiled at his phone and began counting in his head as he served up two plates of stirfry and rice. 

When Phil walked through the door Dan smiled, walking up and pulling his boyfriend in for a kiss. "You were forty seven seconds late." he whispered coyly, and Phil giggled, leaning back.

"What?"

"You said you'd be home in a minute. You were home in a minute and forty seven seconds."

"You're an idiot." Phil grinned, and Dan led him to their small dining table. 

They ate, moaning around the food that Dan had cooked to perfection. 

"Thank you, universe, for sending me a soulmate who knows how to cook!" Phil announced, and Dan giggled.

"I really don't, I can only cook like three things."

"Well I can cook none, so you've got me beat." Phil said with a smile, and Dan grinned shyly. 

They talked about their days. Phil had been in classes for a week now, and he really seemed to be enjoying it. His creative passions were sparked, and he couldn't stop talking about different camera terms to Dan that meant absolutely nothing to him. Phil was taking a photography class and he was clearly very excited about it. Dan smiled as he listened to Phil talk - even though he didn't understand half of what was being said, he loved to listen to Phil speak about things he was excited about. 

Dan brushed off questions about his job, shrugging and saying it was, 'alright'. 

"Dan, you should go out and look for something you're more passionate about! Find something you love, something creative!" Phil suggested with an encouraging smile, but Dan just shrugged again.

"I've thought about it, I just really can't think of anything that I could do." Dan responded honestly, and Phil was the one to sigh now. 

"Well, tomorrow's the weekend, let's go find you something you want to do!" 

"Phiiiiwwww, I want to relax on the weekend! Can't we just stay in and cuddle?" Dan whined, but Phil shook his head decidedly.

"No. I'm not waisting any time. You hate your job, and it's not fair for us to be here so I can go to the school I want to if you don't get to do something you love too." 

Dan didn't understand Phil's comparison - these two things seemed entirely separate to him, but he let out a long breath, knowing it was no use to argue with Phil on this. 

They finished dinner and curled up on the couch, Dan wrapping his arms around Phil as the older boy leaned back against him, relaxing into the soft cushions. It'd been so nice to be in their own place for a week and it still felt like a vacation, but Dan was slowly realizing that this was real. He felt very  _adult_ , living in his own house with his soulmate, working to pay rent. Things were nice, even if Dan was a bit lost and both boys had been exhausted all week. 

They went to bed early, Phil insisting that they needed energy for the job hunt tomorrow. Dan groaned, but he was honestly exhausted and he knew that University had been exhausting this week for Phil, so he just nodded after a moment. They brushed their teeth together and curled up in the bed, kissing goodnight. This was how the entire week had gone, and it wasn't sexual - it was downright  _domestic,_ but a part of Dan absolutely loved it and he couldn't find it in himself to mind the lack of hot, desperate nights right now. He knew they'd happen, but right now it was time for something different, and that was okay.

* * *

In the morning, Phil woke Dan up with gentle kisses. "Let's go." he whispered when Dan had blinked awake fully. 

"Now? Phil it's morning can't we at least make some breakfast and watch a show or something?" Dan groaned mournfully, not wanting to leave the warm nest of his bed.

"Nope! Rise and shine, we're gonna go out for breakfast! Who knows, maybe you'll love the restaurant and want to start working there!" 

"Oh yeah, could you imagine me trying to balance like seventy fucking plates like those insane waiters do. I could never work in a restaurant." Dan grumbled, but Phil didn't care and soon they were both up and dressed and Phil was leading him onto the tube.

When they reached their destination, they got off and Phil led Dan a few blocks to a small breakfast place. It was cute - with a lot of character, and Dan smiled. Even though he knew he'd never work here, his stomach was grumbling and he was suddenly eager to get inside and try some food. 

Phil got waffles while Dan got eggs benedict, and they moaned appreciatively around the warm, delicious food. When the check came, Phil snatched it and Dan sighed, shaking his head with a breathy laugh. 

"So?" Phil asked as they left the restaurant. 

"I don't think so. I don't think I want to work in a restaurant." 

Phil didn't seem fazed by this as he just shrugged and led Dan back to the tube, who was smiling at his boyfriend's attempts to find him something he loved. 

When they arrived at the mall, Dan nearly laughed. 

"What? There are a lot of places at the mall, you can look at a lot of different options here!" 

Dan just rolled his eyes, pulling Phil in for a quick peck.

"You're an idiot. Thank you for trying to help me." Dan allowed softness to enter his tone, and Phil smiled, reaching down to lace their fingers together.

"I just want you to be happy."

"I am. I don't care what my job is. I'm happy."

Phil just smiled at Dan then, returning his kiss, and then he was leading Dan into the mall, who groaned as he let himself be dragged. 

They walked around for ages, Phil pointing out nearly every possible thing he could think of. 

"You could work in a candy shop!" 

"The sugar would be too tempting."

"Clothes store?"

"Too picky, I'd be an awful salesman because I'd hate ninety percent of the things in the store."

"Work in a cafe?"

"I'd burn myself."

"Learn how to cut hair?"

"I'd cut someone's ear off."

They spent hours like this, and finally,  _finally_ Phil seemed to be getting frustrated, unable to think of other options. Dan led them to a bench in the middle of the mall and they sat down, giving their feet a rest. 

Dan looked around, people watching. He loved to just sit and observe, smiling as he would see couples who were clearly soulmates falling all over each other and buying presents for each other. His expression was warm as he watched little kids run around and play hide and go seek or tag. He watched as old couples bought candles and groups of friends walked around eating pretzels. Everything was nice, and his hand was on top of Phil's, making little circles on the back of it with his thumb. 

When he noticed the clean cut man in a suit and tie watching them, Dan's eyebrows pulled together. The man started walking towards them and Dan looked over to Phil, nudging him and alerting him of the man. Phil looked up and his eyes widened before the man was close, and he walked up right to them, clearing his throat. 

"Hello, my name is Dominique Dubois." The man spoke in a thick french accent as he introduced himself, Dan feeling Phil stiffen at his side. Dominique pulled a card out of his lapel and handed it over to Dan, looking him straight in the eye. "Give me a call sometime." the man turned around and left as quickly as he had came, leaving Dan slack jawed.

"Was he just _hitting on me_?" Dan asked in disbelief. "Could he not see that we're together?" Dan was about to tear the card in half before Phil let out a strangled noise and snatched it from Dan's grasp, holding it like it was made of delicate glass. 

"Dan! Dan, that was  _Dominique Dubois._ " Dan stared blankly at Phil, clearly not understanding the significance of the name. 

"He's like the most famous photographer in Europe! He has his own magazine and a huge company and he's supposedly really,  _really_ picky."

Dan's eyes went wide and suddenly he was grabbing the card back, actually taking the time to read it this time. 

It was a very elegant card, minimalistic in design, simply labeled with the man's name, a phone number, and the words, "Modeling Agency". 

 


	29. Chapter 29

Dan stared at the card. Why had Dominique given it to him? Why did he want Dan to call him? He sat on the bench in the mall in confused silence until Phil broke him out of his stupor.

"Dan! This is incredible! You found your job!" 

"What?" Dan asked stupidly, turning to look at the black haired boy whose eyes were wide in excitement as he grabbed Dan's hand that wasn't holding the card and squeezed.

" _Dominique Dubois_ wants  _you_ to work for him! Dan... this is huge!"

The information still wasn't settling in Dan's mind as he shook his head, looking back at the card. Why would Dominique want Dan to work for him? He didn't even know Dan. And what would he be doing for him? Nothing made sense. 

"Why... why would he want me to work for him?" Dan asked slowly, still staring at the elegant script on the small business card.

"He's the pickiest photographer and business owner there is in the industry - he handpicks all his own models." Phil explained, excitement bubbling over at the man he clearly idolized. "I've only spent one week in my photography class, and we've already looked at several of his shoots and we're learning his history. He's the top in the business!" 

Dan's jaw dropped as Phil's words finally sunk in. "He wants me to be a model?" Dan nearly squeaked, in complete disbelief. "Why? I'm just... me." 

"Dan, you're not  _just_ you. You're  _you!_ You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. And if you don't believe  _me,_ well... it looks like I'm not the only one to see that in you." Phil indicated the business card, smiling like a little kid on Christmas. "When you call him, I  _have_ to be in the room, okay? And afterwards you need to tell me everything he said, and how he said it, and-"

"I'm not going to call." Dan interrupted, not even thinking about the words before they left his mouth. 

Several seconds of silence passed between the two boys as Phil slowly pulled his hand back from Dan's, confusion and hurt taking over his features. 

"What? Why not?" Phil's voice was quiet and confused, and Dan didn't know why it seemed like him denying the job was an insult to Phil, but he felt guilty, and Phil certainly seemed offended.

"I'm just... it's not me. I'm not..." Dan looked around before locating a poster with a shirtless man in short gym shorts and nike shoes. It was in black and white, clearly polished, and he was holding a basketball. "I'm not like  _that._ I'm just me... he made a mistake."

Phil turned Dan towards him now, forcing the younger boy to make eye contact. "Dan. You are gorgeous and you can be whatever you want." he took a deep breath, sighing as he took Dan's hands in his. "If you don't want to work for him I understand... you'll find something else. Just... promise me you'll keep the card... just in case?" 

Dan sighed as he squeezed Phil's hands in his and gave him a soft smile. "I'll keep it. Thank you... for understanding." Leaning forward, Dan placed a soft kiss on Phil's cheek. He didn't want to disappoint his boyfriend, but he just couldn't see himself working as a model. The thought was ridiculous... but even more than that, it was scary. To put yourself out there and have to be confident and have everyone looking at you... the thought scared Dan, even though a tiny...  _tiny_ bit of that fear was mixed with excitement. 

* * *

Dan lost his job one week later. 

He'd known he was on thin ice since he started, and when someone turned around and knocked into him, making him drop an armful of groceries for re-shelving, he wasn't all that courteous as he told them to piss off. 

Now he was sat at home alone, waiting for Phil to return from school, fingers running over the firm paper of the business card in his jacket pocket. 

When Phil did get home, Dan's heart was in his throat. He was nervously slicing a pizza he'd heated up in the oven, and the roller slid out from his grasp as the door opened. He was scared to tell Phil... embarrassed that he'd lost his job within two weeks of starting. He didn't want to disappoint his soulmate, and he knew that him getting a job was a big piece in them being able to share this apartment together. He felt like a failure. 

"How's your day been?" Phil asked, clearly trying to seem excited to see Dan, but the bags under his eyes and the way his shoulders slumped gave away just how exhausted he was. 

"It's been alright." Dan lied through his teeth as he put slices of pizza on plates and brought them into the dining room. "Yours?" 

"Long." Dan nodded. All of Phil's days were long lately. He was up at seven in the morning and usually gone before Dan woke up, though sometimes he'd wake him up for a brief good morning kiss, after which Dan would fall back asleep. He usually didn't get home until between six and eight, and when he did all he wanted was to eat and then sleep. Dan didn't mind, he understood, but it still made him a bit sad to see Phil so exhausted, and he missed him. Surely he was allowed to miss his boyfriend without it making him clingy... right?

They ate in silence for a bit, Phil breaking it occasionally to tell Dan about how he was officially choosing photography as his major and switching some of his classes around so he could focus more clearly on the subject. He talked a bit about Dominique and what they were learning in class, but not so much that Dan felt like he was trying to pressure him into calling. 

Eventually Phil asked how things at the store were, and Dan drew in a deep breath.

"I... I don't think I'm gonna be working there anymore." 

Phil's eyebrows pulled together and Dan winced, biting his lip as he tried to gauge his boyfriend's reaction. 

"Why not?" Phil asked softly, and Dan's teeth tightened even harder down on his lip. 

"Um... it just didn't work out. I uh... I got fired today." 

"Oh." was all Phil said. Dan prepared himself for disappointment or for Phil to start going on about how this was the perfect opportunity for him to take up the offer for the modeling job, but neither of those happened. Silence stretched out for several seconds, and then Phil was standing and coming over to Dan's chair, hugging him from behind and resting his chin on Dan's shoulder. "I'm sorry." he practically whispered, and suddenly Dan's throat was tightening, verging dangerously on the edge of tears. 

"It's okay." he managed to get out in a voice that didn't sound  _too_ strained. "I'll find something else." 

"I know." Phil placed a soft kiss on Dan's dimple and returned to his seat, but now he held Dan's hand across the table as they ate. 

Phil quickly moved the topic to weird facts he knew about animals, and suddenly his energy was peaked, and Dan couldn't help but smile because it was clear that his soulmate was doing everything he could to cheer Dan up. How had Dan gotten so lucky? He told his boyfriend he got fired, and what did he get? A lecture? Scolding? Disappointment? Frustration? Pressure to find a new job? No - those were all what Dan had been  _expecting._ Instead Phil, like always, went and surprised him by being the most genuine and sweet person alive, supporting Dan and comforting him, and then trying to distract him by being silly and making ridiculous animal noises that all sounded like the same weird screech to Dan, but he couldn't keep from giggling at how adorable it was. 

"I love you." Dan murmured, shaking his head fondly, a huge smile plastered across his face. 

Phil grinned and made his animal noise again, punctuating it with two claw-hands. "That's how rhinos say I love you!" He grinned afterwards, and Dan let out a loud laugh.

"What? Phil, rhinos don't have claws!" 

"Well... maybe you just haven't seen the rhinos I have!" Phil attempted to save himself, but both boys ended up giggling over their pizza, and Dan realized just how much he'd missed this ever since they moved. Since the day after they moved in everything had been busy and stressful, and Dan was shocked as he realized he'd barely laughed the whole time. 

Coming down from his laughter, Dan got their plates and began to clean up. Phil followed him into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around the boy and kissing his neck lightly. Dan smiled and turned around so he was facing Phil, wrapping his arms around the older boy's waist as he pulled him in for a real kiss, moving gently against his boyfriend's mouth with his own. 

And then suddenly, it wasn't so gentle. 

Dan drew in a deep breath through his nose as Phil's hands came around his neck and he started walking backwards, pulling Dan along with him, never breaking their kiss. They ran into a wall along the way to the bedroom and Dan used this time to put his hands on either side of Phil's body on the wall, pinning him there and taking his lower lip between Dan's teeth, biting and pulling away slowly, their eyes meeting and holding each other's gaze as Phil's lip popped back into place. 

A second of silence followed, both boys' gazes flicking between the others eyes and lips, before suddenly crashing together again, hungrily pressing together in a way they hadn't in far too long. Moments later shirts were being discarded and Dan finally pulled Phil away from the wall, leading him back to the bedroom. 

They fell onto the bed, Dan falling on top of Phil, and now they were giggling as their hands explored each others chests. Phil's nails raked down Dan's back and he groaned, the pain mixing with pleasure as he rutted forward into Phil's hips, biting his lip at the sharp sensation on his back. He moved down and sucked on Phil's neck, alternating between leaving large purple bruises, love bites, and then licking over them lightly. 

When Phil's fingers found the button on his jeans Dan was quick to help him, slipping out of them and then helping Phil out of his. He moved Phil to lay lengthwise on the bed and came back over him, swooping down suddenly and dragging their bodies together, resulting in corresponding moans from both boys. 

Dan's mouths worked over all of Phil's head, shoulders, and chest. He lapped at Phil's nipples, teasing them with his teeth until Phil was bucking up desperately, then moving up his neck and to his earlobe where he bit and pulled, humming his laughter as Phil whined next to his ear. Nothing made Dan more aroused than knowing that he was doing something good to Phil. He liked to please, and every little sound and desperate movement Phil made sent Dan's mind down a hungry, animalistic path that led him to digging his fingers deep in Phil's hipbones and licking stripes from his collarbone to his jawline, attacking Phil's mouth with his own, and then gently biting and nibbling along his pronounced cheekbones. 

The boxers did little to dull the sensation, but it still wasn't the same so soon Dan was backing off Phil and hurriedly ripping his away, removing Phil's afterwards after a short nod from Phil confirming that it was alright, even though they'd done it several times before, and then they were moving together again, this time with nothing separating them.

Dan let out a low groan as the silky skin of their cocks rubbed together and he reached down to stroke Phil gently, smiling into his mouth as he felt precum drizzling from Phil's tip, similar to what his own was doing. Dan used the substance to lather both their cocks, slicking them up and then they were rolling their bodies together again, Dan having to halt the kiss to bite his lip because it was overwhelmingly amazing, sending sparks through him. 

He'd been told before that sexual interaction with a soulmate was something that could never be matched, and now Dan understood. Every part of him felt like it was more alive than it had ever been, and he whimpered as their painfully hard lengths rubbed together, creating that sweet, wonderful friction Dan craved so much. 

When Phil began to whimper out choppy words warning Dan that he was close, Dan reached down to stroke both of them in one large hand, moving them together until he felt Phil tense and stutter his movements. This was all that Dan needed to send him over the edge, and soon they were both flooded with warm, sticky fluid pooling over them, dripping down onto Phil's stomach. 

His eyes never leaving Phil's gaze, Dan lowered himself slowly along Phil's body until he was nearing his soulmate's softening cock. Keeping eye contact Dan leaned down and lapped at some of the cum on Phil's stomach - a mixture of both of theirs that pooled together - and he grinned as Phil's eyes rolled back and he shuddered, a few more drops pulsing out of his tip. 

Dan licked a bit more into his mouth but didn't swallow, this time returning to Phil and leaning in for a kiss, swirling the metallic, bitter substance on their tongues. 

Phil swallowed hard and Dan smiled, grinning down at Phil's exhausted face, forehead sticky as his fringe stuck to it. Dan reached up and moved the hair off his forehead and then finally collapsed down on the bed next to Phil. He managed to find one of their pairs of boxers, using it to clean both of them off before pulling a limp and nearly asleep Phil into his arms, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. 

"I've missed you." Phil murmured into Dan's shoulder.

"I've missed you more." Dan responded softly, and his heart swelled as he realized that maybe someday they wouldn't have to be separated throughout the day. Maybe someday they'd work together, because he knew Phil was going to succeed in photography, and maybe... just  _maybe_ things would go well for Dan after he made that very, very important phone call he had waiting for him tomorrow. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #3 for most comments on Phanfiction on A03!?!?!?! What is this world? Thank you all <3


	30. Chapter 30

When Dan woke up the next morning the sun was in the sky and Phil was already at school. He sighed as he got out of bed, wandering into the kitchen and starting coffee while he poured himself a bowl of cereal. Pulling out his phone and the business card, he spent several minutes just staring at the elegant script. 

Dan knew he was going to call. He had to... he didn't have another choice, and he knew it'd make Phil happy. Still, he was scared. He felt like this had all been a mistake, and he still couldn't fathom the idea that this was real and someone wanted  _him_ to work as a model. 

Dan ate his cereal and drank his coffee, and eventually found himself sitting at the dining room table, the number dialed into his phone, just waiting to press the green 'call' button. 

He pressed it.

The phone rang for a terrifyingly long time before a woman's voice finally greeted him. "Hello, this is the office of Dominique Dubois, how may we assist you?"

"Hi um... my name's Dan." Dan cringed at how informal he sounded when compared to the official tone of the woman on the phone. "Um... Dominique gave me his card and told me to call this number?" 

"Oh, he gave you his card personally? Give me just one moment, he's in his office, let me see if he has time to take your call." 

Dan nodded, then mentally hit himself in the head as he realized she couldn't see him. "Okay." he responded, and heard the phone get set down. Biting his lip as he waited, Dan's toes were curling and uncurling with tension. When the woman picked the phone back up, he nearly jumped.

"He can't talk at this moment, but if you would like to come down to our Manchester office, you're welcome down here anytime before five today." she gave him the address as Dan hurriedly scribbled it onto the back of an envelope, and then he was muttering a short confirmation that he'd be there soon. 

When the phone was hung up Dan went into overdrive, pulling apart his closet until he finally found something mildly professional - a short sleeved white button up with a nice collar and blue floral patterns covering it. He picked out his nicest pair of black jeans and his dressiest pair of sneakers. He ran a straightener through his hair as quickly as he could, and then with one last fringe check he was out the door and on the tube, waiting for his stop. 

By the time Dan was stood outside the building, he was sweating and nervously wiping it off his forehead with his arm, hoping they wouldn't notice too much and wouldn't be put off by how his hair was beginning to curl at the tips. He walked inside and went to the front desk where a man directed him to the fifteenth floor. Dan took the elevator and walked through, and suddenly he was in a sleek, modern looking office with blown up photos of models and magazine covers placed along the walls, giving it a decorated but minimalistic look. 

A girl with wide eyes and a large bun on top of her head walked up to Dan with a clipboard in her hand. 

"You must be Dan." she extender he free hand for a handshake which he took, wincing as he realized just how clammy his palms were. She didn't react, thankfully, and Dan smiled as he recognized her voice as the one he'd spoken to on the phone.

"Yeah um. That's me."

"My name is Zoe, I'm Dominique's personal assistant. He's on a phone call right now, but if you'd like any water or perhaps some cheese and crackers I can help you with that, I can also answer any questions you might have. Otherwise feel free to take a look around at some of his work." Zoe gave Dan a warm smile and he returned it nervously, wringing his hands together. 

"Um yeah... uh... I guess I have a question." Dan muttered, nervous to the point that his body was beginning to shake. After a prompting nod and smile from Zoe, he continued. "I don't look like those people." Dan blurted out, gesturing to the models on the posters around the room. "Why does Dominique want  _me_?"

"Oh." Zoe commented with a small giggle, brushing off Dan's worries entirely. "Dominique is beginning to work on a large movement with other members of the modeling and photography community. So much of modeling is now run by graphic designers and photoshop artists, and the true art form of a camera and a person is beginning to get lost. So Dominique is starting a movement to get a group of 'real' people together and photographing people who he thinks are naturally beautiful, without all the glam and falsity that comes along with Hollywood nowadays." 

Dan nodded slowly, chewing on this. One one hand it did sound like something he'd be better for, and it'd most likely take a lot of the pressure off him. On the other hand... "So basically what you're saying is he chose me because I'm not beautiful, but I'm 'alright'?" Dan held back a laugh, really not caring much about that being thought of him, but interested to see how Zoe reacted to this. Surprisingly, she took it immensely well.

"Not at all! Dominique thinks that the people we think of as beautiful aren't in any sense of the word. They're on ridiculous diets, spending thousands to work with personal trainers that are unattainable by the general public, and on top of all of that they're getting surgeries and turning their bodies to plastic. They're not real anymore, and even after all of that fakery they're getting trimmed and stretched by the photoshop artists before being put on a cover. Dominique chose you because he thinks you hold a special quality - a  _real_ beauty that is difficult to come across nowadays. He's very picky with his models, and if he chose you then it's because he thinks he can bring something out of you that will be powerful enough to remind the world of what true beauty is." 

Dan's jaw nearly dropped at the speech, flushing as he tried to think of any way to respond to the enormous compliment. 

"Oh uh... okay." was all he came up with, biting his lip and averting his gaze to the floor. 

Zoe just smiled at him, and he thought she was about to say something more, but then an office door was opening and there was Dominique himself, eyebrows raised as he took in Dan's form standing nervously in the lobby. 

"Daniel. Come in." Dominique said with a beckoning gesture. Dan gave Zoe a little nod goodbye and then walked hastily into the office, taking a seat as Dominique closed the door behind him. The French man took a seat across the desk from Dan and looked him over critically, scrutinizing every bit of Dan's features. 

"Welcome, Daniel."

"Dan is fine."

"Alright. Welcome, Dan. I've asked you here because I would like you to work for me. And I would like to work for you. My models are my team, and if you agree to join it, you'll have complete and total control and say over what you do, when you do it, and what gets released to the public. I don't work like other owners might - making their models sign contracts that force them to travel, pose in the nude or in provocative situations, or give their life over to the masses. If we work together it will be a partnership and we will make every decision regarding what you do for this company together, and you'll always have the power to say 'no'. All you would be agreeing to by signing to work with me would be to show up for shoots, give your opinions and suggestions, and try to have an open mind and work with me. You'll get paid when the company gets paid by what you do, so if you're always saying no and refusing to publish photos you won't get paid. If you say yes I promise you they will sell and you will make a very respectable living. What do you say?"

"Um..." Dan's eyes were wide, trying to take in all the things Dominique had just said. He would get the chance to say no. That was good. He'd get to pitch his own ideas and have some level of creative suggestion... that was intriguing to Dan, and it made it all feel more like a collaborative process where he was involved, not just a puppet for them to move around and use. So far everything was sounding too good to be true, but Dan knew better than to just agree immediately. "Sir... might I ask why you chose me?" Dan knew there were a million other questions he probably should ask, but this one had been bothering him from the moment he learned who Dominique was, and he had to know. 

"I was curious the moment I saw you. You stood out. I wasn't sure at first, but then you were speaking to the boy you were with and he said something that made you smile. That smile is exactly what I've been looking for." 

Dan felt his cheeks flush at Dominique's straightforward response, dropping his head a bit out of embarrassment. "Oh." was all he could think to respond. 

"So?" the French man prompted. "Do we have a deal? You are able to back out at any time, I'll just need you to fill out these forms. You can take your time looking them over, I promise everything is safe and protects you as an employee." 

Dan nodded slowly, taking the papers. Scanning over them, Dan saw that it was true. Everything about the contract put the power in Dan's hands, and suddenly he was feeling much safer, even though he was still terrified. 

A few minutes later found Dan's hand shaking uneasily as he signed at the bottom, wiping sweat from his forehead. 

"You have curly hair." Dominique observed, speaking for the first time in minutes.

"Oh yeah. It's really fluffy, I always straighten it."

"Next time you come in leave it natural. And don't worry about dressing up. Thank you, Dan." Dominique said with a smile, standing up and making his way around the table to extend a handshake to Dan. Dan took it, shaking the man's hand, grateful once again as there was no comment on the sweat on his palms. Dominique made his way to the door and opened it and Dan stepped out. He gave a small smile to Zoe as he left, and then he was on the tube and back home. 

Dan felt like he was in a dream as he cooked a quick dinner, and then Phil was walking through the door and giving Dan a quick kiss and a hug. 

"How was your day?" Dan found himself asking, and Phil shrugged.

"Same old, same old. You?"

"Um... it was good... I think." Phil cocked an eyebrow, questioning Dan as they sat down to eat. 

"I got a job?" Dan phrased the statement as a question, and then sighed as he looked his boyfriend in the eye. "I start with the agency in two days."


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still settling into University and am still on 'a break'. I just happened to have a bit of time off and decided to get some writing out, but I'm still ridiculously busy and just because I'm posting now doesn't mean I'll be able to anytime soon - unfortunately I still need some more time before being able to post really regularly again. Thank you all for your understanding and support <3

Dan couldn't help but bite his lip, adoration swelling in his eyes as he looked down at the black haired boy laying on his side, tracing his long pale fingers over Dan's chest. 

"I'm so proud of you." Phil whispered, giving Dan a little smile, which Dan cut off with a soft, sweet kiss. After the kiss he fell back against his pillow, exhausted and sweaty from the excitement that had followed him telling Phil about the modeling job. 

Dan's arms tightened around Phil, who made a little noise as he got squeezed into Dan's chest, bare skin sticking to each other with a light sheen of sweat, hair matted to their foreheads as the light in the room began to fade at sunset. 

"You're so beautiful." Dan murmured after several seconds of staring at Phil, lengthy eye contact somehow feeling comfortable as they admired each other. 

" _You're_ beautiful. You're the model." Phil argued, shaking his head and looking down as he smiled into Dan's chest. 

"Shut up." Dan let out a little breathy laugh, bringing up one hand to push it through Phil's fringe, playing with the tips of dyed black hair between his fingers. "I love you."

"I love you more." Phil responded, pressing a soft kiss to Dan's shoulder, and he closed his eyes and said a silent thank you to the universe for sending him such a lovable and kind soulmate. 

* * *

Dan took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly, building up his confidence as best he could. With a huff and a quick shake of his head, Dan opened the door that led him into the office, this time dressed in a simple pair of black jeans, a plain tshirt, and his curly hair which he hated, but knew Dominique had requested. Inside he was immediately greeted by Zoe, today sporting bright red lipstick, as she smiled and welcomed him. 

"I'll go check on him right now, make yourself at home, Dan." 

Dan smiled and nodded as he took a seat, a bit impressed that she knew his name already. She must see so many people every day - Dan could never remember names and he barely knew anyone. 

He tried his best, but his nerves were on high by the time Zoe returned, Dominique walking behind her. 

"Hello, Dan. Come with me." Dan nodded at Dominique's request, hurriedly standing up and following him into a large room, mostly blank with some large blank sheets hanging along with lights and cameras and a small crew. 

"Today, Dan, I would like you to make your own photoshoot. We have a room full of costumes that should fit you, several set pieces, and we can make almost anything work. You put together whatever you'd like. You can learn a lot about someone by the way their creative process works and how they represent themselves, and if you're working for me I need to know who you are. So go ahead - you have two hours to put together whatever you'd like, then another hour with hair and makeup, and you can instruct them however you'd like."

* * *

"How was it?" Phil asked excitedly, beaming as he jumped into Dan's arms and wrapped his legs around his waist, holding onto his neck as Dan nearly fell over backwards from the sudden impact. 

"Phil! Get off!" Dan giggled, shoving the boy off of him and shaking his head fondly as he pulled his boyfriend in for a kiss. "It was good I think. I got to design my own photoshoot and I think it actually turned out pretty well for my first one."

"What was it?" Phil asked, dragging Dan to the couch and sitting him down, sitting on one side of Dan's lap and putting his feet on the other, arms wrapping around the brunette's neck so they were connected as best they could be while sitting. 

Dan giggled at his boyfriend's excitement for him, rolling his eyes as if he hated answering these questions, but they both knew it wasn't true. 

"It was in black and white..."

"Of course."

"Shut up!" Dan stuck his tongue out at Phil, but Phil darted in and kissed it, leaving Dan to screw up his face into an expression of disgust, the feeling having been entirely unexpected and not all that pleasant. "Anyways. It was black and white and I was just in a large jumper that went over my hands so only my fingers peeked out. My hair was curly - I could have changed it but I knew he said he liked it the other day, so I just bit the bullet and dealt with it. I had a tiny bit of eyeliner on and black nail polish, with skinny jeans and black sneakers. The floor was black and the background was a gradient of black to white, so it ended up looking like I wasn't even standing on the floor and like it was all just one smooth wall that went from black to white - it was really pretty."

Dan looked at Phil, trying to gauge his thoughts, and he was almost surprised when he saw just how happy and proud Phil looked.

"That's amazing! Dan - you know that Dominique Dubois-"

"Please stop saying his whole name. It's weird." Dan pleaded, causing Phil to roll his eyes dramatically.

"Fine. _Dominique_  loves black and white, and he's not too much for busy backgrounds - he likes simplicity and just to focus on the person themselves, but he loves throwing in little additions like the eyeliner and the nails. That's perfect, Dan, he's gonna love it!" 

Dan felt warmth rise in him - pride at designing something that may have been just about perfect for his boss who was so hard to read. The satisfaction surprised him - he hadn't expected to care that much about doing well, but suddenly he felt like he was on top of the world. All of a sudden he was anxious to hear what Dominique thought, and he was hoping that his boss loved his design. Dan didn't know what to do with all of these unexpected emotions, so he just smiled and pulled Phil in for a slow kiss, murmuring a soft, "Thank you." into Phil's mouth. 

"For what?" Phil responded, pulling back a bit to look in Dan's eyes, and he found himself getting lost in the stormy blue pools, flecks of different colors making them pop. 

"For being so supportive and understanding. For helping to motivate me to go out and do something for myself, but not pushing me before I was ready. For being the best damn boyfriend and soulmate the world has ever known." Dan giggled and Phil rolled his eyes, but they both leaned back in for another kiss - one that couldn't even truly be called a kiss because neither boy could stop smiling. They just couldn't help it - they were happy. They were in a new city, in a new house that was  _theirs_ , and suddenly they both had found things that inspired them that they were excited for. 

As Dan fell asleep that night, Phil wrapped in his arms, he couldn't help but think that this was it. This was the life he dreamed of, and he was the luckiest boy in the world.

 


	32. Chapter 32

The next three weeks were incredible. Dominique loved Dan's shoot, and now Dan had done four more - each of them had a few days of prep where Dan would work with Dominique and some other designers to put together a cohesive idea - and Dan loved that his ideas were always listened to, and used frequently in the final shoot. He was loving who he worked with, and things were going great.

Zoe turned out to be the makeup and hair stylist as well as Dominique's assistant. Wardrobe and costuming was run by a shortish and very eccentric American named Tyler. Two men named Jack and Dean worked cameras, while editing was done by a man named Tom. Dan had done several dramatic shoots, and he was loving the results. Not to mention the fact that money was already starting to come in. He'd gotten his first check after two weeks and when he saw the numbers his eyes widened, gaping at the amount that could easily cover rent, not to mention groceries, some new clothes maybe, and a few new games, and probably still have some left over. 

Dan recounted the events of every day to Phil, grinning and talking through the food he ate as Phil nodded along, telling Dan how happy he was for him. Dan couldn't stop thinking about what he'd get to work on next - who he'd get to work with. He'd even seen a picture of himself on the inside cover of a magazine and nearly lost his shit in the middle of the street - everything feeling far too surreal to be true. 

Dan was happy. He was well and truly happy, and he couldn't believe his luck. So when Dominique offered him a huge shoot that would end up on the cover of US Magazine, Dan naturally said yes, even though it'd mean flying to London for a week to put together the shoot. 

When he told Phil, the black haired boy smiled and congratulated Dan, saying he'd miss him but he was sure it'd be amazing, and it was a wonderful opportunity. Dan grinned and hugged Phil, thanking him for being so supportive and giving him a quick kiss before Phil went to bed - exhausted as he always seemed to be lately from school.

* * *

London was incredible. Dan sipped champagne and laughed, had meetings and shot photos, went to amazing locations and got to get in as a VIP just because he was with Dominique. Dan formed close friendships with everyone on his crew, spending long days and nights with Jack, Tom, and Dean, laughing off Tyler's incessant flirting, and turning to Zoe whenever he needed any advice. The days blurred together in a bubbly blur, clouded by excitement and flashing lights and cameras, booze and expensive food. 

By the time Dan was returning he couldn't wait to tell Phil all about it. He hadn't really had the chance to talk to Phil during the week - but he was sure his boyfriend would understand. He got off the train, giddy with joy as he bounded into the apartment. 

"Phil?" Dan called, grinning ear to ear. "Phil?" Dan frowned when Phil didn't answer, searching through the different rooms of the house, looking for his boyfriend who should be home since it was nearly 11pm. When Dan reached the kitchen he saw a note on the counter and walked towards it curiously, picking up the note and reading it carefully, the grin falling from his face into an expression of confusion.

**_Dan,_ **

**_I hope you're having a good time in London. I'm so proud of you for following your dreams, and I know you're going to be so successful. I went back to my parents' house for a bit... I'm taking some time off school. Have fun with your job and keep doing amazing - I know you will. I'll be back... I don't know exactly when, but I'll see you then._ **

**_Love, Phil_ **

Dan's eyebrows furrowed together as he read the message, immediately pulling out his phone and dialing Phil's number. It rang several times before being picked up, and when Phil spoke it was in a hushed whisper.

"Hello?"

"Phil! What's going on? Why did you leave?"

"I... I just needed some time away. School got too stressful I suppose. I'm okay, I just need to be back here for a while." 

"Okay..." Dan frowned, suddenly missing his soulmate and realizing how long it'd been since he'd talked to him. Guilt suddenly rushed over him as he realized that he hadn't asked Phil about his life in even longer, and Dan winced as he realized he had no idea how Phil's school was, because he hadn't heard about it in over a month. "Phil... I can come over there with you if you want. I miss you... it's been a long time."

"Yeah... it has." Phil whispered from the other line, voice sounding strained. "It's okay though. Stay there. Your job is important and I know it's making you happy. I'm okay... really."

"Phil..." Dan murmured, feeling a strong pull in his gut suddenly, wanting nothing other than to wrap his arms around the older boy and be with him again. When was the last time he even did more than give Phil a quick peck? Their relationship had fallen away since Dan got his job, and suddenly he was hitting himself, guilt stronger than ever.

"I have to go." Phil whispered suddenly. "I'll talk to you soon."

"I love you!" Dan spoke quickly, but the line went dead halfway through his sentence, and he never heard a response. 

Dan slumped into a chair, his mind whirring over the past month, wondering how he'd allowed the most important person in his life to fall away. What had happened? 

Dan didn't know... but he  _did_ know that he had to go find Phil. And that's what left him on a train at midnight, heading towards a house that held his boyfriend who he wasn't even sure he knew anymore.

 


	33. Chapter 33

"Phil?" Dan knocked on the door again, shivering in the night air. It was nearly two in the morning and he had called Phil several times with no luck. Sighing, Dan rang the doorbell, knowing it might wake up Catherine and James, but not having much other choice. Still no answer. Confused, Dan pulled his phone out again and called. It rang a few times before going to voicemail and Dan groaned, plopping down to sit on the porch. Just then he remembered that there was a spare key. Quickly grabbing the key from its hidden location, Dan unlocked the front door and walked in, shutting the door behind him quietly. 

He took off his shoes and made his way upstairs to Phil's room, opening the door slowly. He intended just to crawl into bed if there was room and give Phil a kiss - maybe even sleep on the floor to not disturb him. What he hadn't planned for was opening the door to see an empty, made bed. Frowning, Dan walked down the stairs and checked Catherine and James' room - knocking first softly, then inching the door open. Empty. 

Dan shook his head, fully worried now. Where were they? Why had Phil left? What was happening? Frustrated, Dan began to pace, looking for something - anything that could tip him off. He called James, then Catherine. No answer. Burying his face in his hands in frustration Dan let out a loud growl, desperate for something to give him a hint as to where his family could be. 

The thought pulled him up short. His family. He'd never called them that before - but that's what they were, wasn't it? They were Dan's family, and something was wrong and Dan didn't know. He wasn't sure when the tears had started but they were falling now and he wiped them away angrily, calling Phil once again. He wasn't surprised when it went to voicemail, and nearly threw his phone in frustration. What was going on?

* * *

Dan didn't sleep at all that night. He stayed up through the night and called Phil over thirty times - he called Catherine and James a few more too, but no answer. Finally at eight in the morning when Dan was sat on the edge of the couch, staring blankly at the floor, his phone began to ring. He must have picked it up in record speed, nearly shouting "Hello?" into the phone.

"Dan... hey." Phil's voice came through, crackly with sleep, and Dan's heart leapt into his throat. 

"Is everything okay? Where are you? I came back to your house last night but no one was here - where is everyone? Is everything alright?" Dan rattled off the questions in record time, and a few seconds of silence followed where he knew Phil was trying to digest the questions, probably having just woken up, but Dan was gnawing on his lip anxiously. 

"Um... yeah... I guess. I'm uh... did you really come all the way here? Why?" Phil asked and Dan sighed, shaking his head.

"Of course I did. Phil - look I realized last night just how much I've been distracted lately and I'm so sorry I haven't been paying attention to you. I'm so sorry I haven't been there to support you, and I want to change that. I love you, Phil - I don't know what's going on and it's scaring me and you seemed like you needed me so of course I came." several more seconds of silence followed, and Dan could hear Phil's unsteady breathing. 

"I... love you too, Dan." Dan breathed out a sigh of relief he didn't even know he'd been holding in, laughing lightly as he heard Phil speak the words he'd been so terrified of not hearing. "I'm at the hospital..." Dan's laughter immediately vanished as his heart returned to his throat, his pulse quickening. "My dad... he's sick."

"Oh my god Phil I'm so sorry. Where are you? I'll be right there."

Within minutes Dan was in a taxi on the way to the hospital. He rushed in and told the secretary James' name, being directed to room 405. He raced there and into the room, slowing when he entered to as not to startle anyone. What he saw made his throat tighten and a rush of air escape his lungs. 

Sat by the bed were Phil and Catherine, holding hands as they stared at the hospital bed with blank eyes surrounded by dark circles. On the bed laid James, a tube across his face feeding oxygen into his nose as several other tubes connected to his arms, and a machine beeped along with his heart rate. James was asleep, but when Dan entered Phil and Catherine looked up, stagnant tears resting in each of their eyes. 

"I'm so sorry." Dan whispered, opening his arms as Phil fell into them, body shaking with sobs as he soaked Dan's shirt. Dan rubbed soft circles on his back, pressing a reassuring kiss to the side of Phil's head as he looked at Catherine who was doing her best to smile, but it was clearly forced.

"What happened?" Dan asked, and Catherine sighed, running her hands over her eyes to wipe away tears. 

"We found... a lump." Catherine started, a choked sob escaping as Dan furrowed his eyebrows at the news. "We came in and they found... we'd missed several warning signs... he's stage four... terminal." Catherine choked out, and Dan felt like his stomach dropped out of his body, eyes going wide as Phil began to shake more violently in his arms and he hugged him tight, supporting the black haired boy's weight. 

"I... how much time?" Dan eventually managed to get out through his constricting throat, tears pricking behind his eyes and nose. 

"We don't know. The doctors said it could be a few months, but with the rate things have been progressing... they're estimating under a week." Catherine broke off after that, burying her face in her hands and sobbing as Phil's cries began to slow, shuddering softly as he leaned his whole weight against Dan, exhaustion clearly taking over. 

"Why..." Dan's mind was whirring. How could this all happen so fast? How could James be fine one day and dying just weeks later? Why had no one told him? Phil hadn't even been planning on telling him, were they just going to let James die and not tell Dan until it was over? "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked slowly, holding Phil away from him to look him in the eye. Fury was beginning to pool in his stomach and the destroyed look on Phil's face nearly made him break, but he didn't, repeating the question. "Why didn't you tell me, Phil?" his voice was raising, becoming shrill as he frowned at the black haired boy with tear stained cheeks.

"I... you seemed so happy. I didn't want to ruin that." Phil whispered and Dan scoffed, letting go of Phil and stepping away angrily. 

"You didn't want to make me UNHAPPY? DON'T YOU SEE? JAMES IS AS CLOSE TO A FATHER AS I'VE EVER GOTTEN, DO YOU THINK EVERYTHING WOULD JUST BE FINE AND DANDY SO LONG AS I DIDN'T KNOW? GODDAMMIT PHIL I KNOW HE'S YOUR DAD, BUT HE BECAME MY DAD TOO AND YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP THIS KIND OF THING FROM ME!" Catherine's eyes were dark and sad and Phil shrunk back against a wall as James started to stir. With an angry grunt Dan stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him and stomping to the nearest bench he could find, curling around himself and sobbing into his arms and knees until there were no more tears left to cry.

 


	34. Chapter 34

No one came to find him. 

Dan couldn't decide if he was happy about that or not. 

On one hand, all he wanted was to be wrapped in Phil's arms. He wanted to cry and apologize and be there to support his soulmate who he knew was going through something awful. But on the other side, Dan was hurt. He'd never had a family, and James had taken him in and been a father to him, and for Phil to decide to keep James' sickness from him wasn't something Dan was ready to forgive just yet. 

His mind kept going over what would have happened if he hadn't come to find Phil and had just heard about James' death once it had already happened. That thought was what kept the anger and hurt running through his mind enough to keep him from running back to Phil with apologies rushing out of his mouth. 

Hours passed and Dan hid his face whenever people walked past. People sent him apologetic looks - seeing a crying boy in a hospital gave everyone a good idea of what might be happening, but Dan didn't want their sympathy. Eventually a nurse came to him with jello and water and he took it with a grateful smile that she returned before leaving. Dan ate the jello, grimacing at the gelatinous texture but downing the whole container, washing it down with the dixie cup of lukewarm water. 

Finally, Dan had cried all the tears he could. Staring numbly at the floor, he stood up. He began walking back to the room - no matter how angry he was, he wasn't going to let his hurt keep him from getting to spend time with James before he passed. 

Walking into the room slowly, Dan looked up through his lashes at Phil and Catherine. Catherine was asleep and Phil's gaze was flicking between Dan's eyes and the floor - his boyfriend's arms wrapped around himself. His cheeks were wet with tears, and all the anger Dan had been holding onto fell away. Moving slowly, Dan walked over to Phil, biting his lip. 

"Can I sit here?" Dan's voice cracked, his throat still tight with tears. 

"Of course." Phil breathed, barely more than a whisper as Dan nodded and sat down next to Phil, letting out a shaky sigh. 

They sat this way for a long time. It may have been minutes, it may have been hours, the only sound being the steady beating of the heart monitor and their shaky breathing. Finally Phil began softly crying and Dan couldn't take it anymore. He turned towards Phil, wrapping his arms around the fragile black haired boy and pulling him to Dan's chest. "Shh.... it's okay. I'm right here. I'm right here, okay?"

Phil nodded violently into Dan's chest, quickly wrapping his arms around the brunette's waist and crying into his shirt as Dan did his best to hold back his own tears. 

"Shhhhh hey I'm right here. I'm not leaving, okay? I love you, I'm right here." Dan wanted nothing more than to say that everything was going to be okay - but he knew it wouldn't. He knew that there was no way he could say that, so he kept just reassuring Phil that he was there, whispering softly into dyed black hair as his own tears began to spill over. 

"I'm so sorry, Dan." Phil's words were muffled in Dan's shirt but he made out the words, and right then the last little bits of anger and hurt faded away as he shook his head, shushing Phil.

"It's okay. It's okay, Phil. I love you, okay?"

"Okay." Phil responded. 

Within the hour both boys were asleep with their arms constricted around each other, holding tightly even in sleep - desperate not to drift apart again.

* * *

When Dan woke he nearly jumped out of his seat, seeing James with his eyes open, blinking slowly, his gaze unfocused but conscious. Dan quickly shook Phil awake and they were at James' side within seconds, watching as the man who'd seemed so healthy just over a month ago now laid on the brink of death. 

"Dad..." Phil started, his voice coming out choked.

"Son..." James croaked. "Dan..." James' expression formed into a strained smile, reaching forward to hold each boy's hands - awkward because he had several things connected to his arms and fingers, but they made it work. "I'm..." James took in a shaky breath, loud from the oxygen being pumped into his nostrils through a machine. "I'm so proud..." he took in another breath, shakier this time. "So proud of both of you." James finished, and both boys smiled before Dan gently let go of James' hand and moved to wake Catherine - it seeming unfair for her not to be awake for this moment. 

Soon they were all around the bed and James smiled up at his family, tears welling in his eyes. "All of you.... I... I love you.... Love you all..." James' heart monitor started beating faster as his eyelids fluttered and nurses came in quickly, the family taking steps back, eyes going wide as they gave the nurses their room to work. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil as Phil cried, peeking out of Dan's shirt back at his dad. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion and Dan couldn't see much of it all, but he could have sworn that when one of the nurses moved around the bed and left him a line of sight to James' face for a split second, he saw the man's eyes on him and Phil, and a tiny twitch of a smile run over his lips before they relaxed again and his eyes shut. 

Moments later the heart monitor went from quick beeping to a steady buzz and the line flattened out, punctuated by a wail from Catherine and a choked sound from Phil as Dan wrapped him farther up in his arms, pulling him fully into his chest so Phil didn't have to look at his dad, but Dan could see it all. He watched as the nurses sighed and slowed their motions before leaving the room with murmured condolences. 

Dan stared at James - Catherine bent over him, tears falling from her face onto his, and Dan watched as James' quote on his arm disappeared - one Dan had never taken the time to notice before, but now he barely made out the end quote before it faded:

**_"I love you all."_ **

****Dan watched, tears in his eyes as Catherine choked out a soft, "We love you too. Always have, and always will." and with that, her own tattoo disappeared, and it was over.

 


	35. Chapter 35

Three days passed.

Dan texted Dominique to tell him there was a family emergency and he was out of town. Dominique said he understood. Dan couldn't find it in him to feel relieved. 

Phil was quiet. He hadn't spoken since his father's death, and Dan just did his best to be there for him. They were staying at Phil's childhood home, cramped together in the too-small bed. Dan hugged Phil, made him tea - or more often coffee. He laid with him and watched movies on the small laptop they had, never separating himself from the boy who was hurting so badly. 

Phil would cry. Dan would rock him back and forth and shush him gently, pressing light kisses to Phil's head to calm him as Phil shook in his arms. 

Catherine would cry and the boys would cry with her, huddled together, knowing that there should be one more with them. 

No one touched James' things. They were sacred and they weren't to be spoken of or moved - it was as if the minute one of them got pushed out of place it'd all become real. So no one touched anything. 

Catherine didn't sleep in her room. She slept on the couch. 

They ordered food out, and Dan knew that was something that never happened in this household - Catherine loving to cook far too much to ever eat out. This left Dan staring at the table, eyes blank with exhaustion as he picked and prodded at the somewhat cold Chinese food they'd had delivered. Phil hadn't even so much as looked at his food - his chair moved to be flush with Dan's as Phil's legs fell overtop his boyfriend's and his arms wrapped around Dan's neck, burying his face in the brunette's shoulder. 

Dan sighed and rested his head atop Phil's, tracing comforting lines on Phil's back as his boyfriend shook softly, quiet sobs barely audible to Dan's ears. 

Catherine picked at her food - clearly not having an appetite, but knowing she needed to eat. 

None of them got more than a few bites down before their stomachs refused to take anymore and they packed up the food and put it in the freezer. 

"I'm going to bed... let me know if you two need anything." Catherine offered, but her tone was strained and quiet as she walked to the lounge to fall asleep on the couch. 

It was only just past 4pm. 

Dan wasn't surprised. 

He helped Phil to his feet and brought them out onto the back porch, thinking maybe some fresh air could help. Pulling Phil close, Dan breathed in his boyfriend's hair as his thumb drew small circles on Phil's shoulder. 

"I love you so much." he whispered softly, sighing when all Phil did was raise his head weakly and press a small kiss to Dan's lips before burying his face back in Dan's chest. 

Dan missed Phil's voice. He missed his smile. He missed his constant optimism, and the random animal facts he'd shoot at Dan every so often, making Dan break into laughter. He missed the clumsy, adorable, positive boy he'd fallen so deeply for. 

He didn't love this boy any less. He still adored this quiet, sad, broken boy in his arms... he just missed the other one, and wondered when he might see him again.

* * *

Two weeks. Two weeks without Phil's voice, and Dan was beginning to get seriously worried. He'd finally managed to convince Phil to come back to Manchester after a week and a half, but Phil had to spend hours walking through the house, taking pictures and just staring at James' things before finally sighing and clinging to Dan's arm as they left for the train. They returned to the flat and Dan spent a day cleaning out their fridge of food gone bad and responding to emails about his job. He helped Phil respond to his school, and they were understanding, but Dan could see how stressed it made Phil and he soon shut the laptop, going to the bed and patting the mattress next to him.

Soon Phil was curled up, laying halfway on top of Dan as he clung to the material of Dan's shirt for dear life, tears slowly falling onto the soft cotton.

"Phil... Phil, talk to me. I miss you... I want to help. Please just... say something?" Dan pleaded, tilting Phil's chin up gently to look him in the eye. 

The black haired boy's eyes were bright and watery as he opened his mouth and then closed it, repeating the movement several times before looking down and shaking his head, burying his face back in Dan's shirt and beginning to sob violently.

"Hey... it's okay. It's okay, I'm sorry you can talk whenever you're ready. I just miss you, Phil. What can I do?" Dan asked, pushing himself down on the bed to force Phil's face to be at the same level as him, looking each other in the eyes. Phil's eyes were wide as they stared into Dan's, and then his gaze flickered down and he slowly lowered himself so their lips connected, Phil's wet and salty with tears. 

Dan kissed back gently, lovingly as Phil continued to cry, kissing him with more and more force. Dan tried to keep things gentle, but when Phil threw a leg over Dan, straddling him and pressing into him with his whole body, Dan pulled away and backed up on the bed, keeping Phil at arm's reach. 

"Phil...." Dan gasped, shock clear in his gaze. "No... No... not like this." Phil's bright blue eyes overflowed and he collapsed in on himself, curling into a small ball, his body racking with sobs as Dan crawled over to wrap the shell of a boy in his arms, rocking him back and forth. "It's okay.... it's okay... shhh, I'm right here." Dan chorused reassurances to Phil, who continued to cry until he finally stopped. Dan craned his neck down to look at Phil once he'd stopped crying, and Dan's heart ached as he saw the boy's jaw slack, eyes closed as he drew in long, shaky breaths. Phil had fallen asleep with tears streaming down his face, and Dan slowly lowered him onto his back on the bed, pulling the covers over him and wiping the tears from his cheeks. 

"I love you Phil." Dan whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his soulmate's temple. "And whenever you're ready to come back I'll be right here."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why has my writing gotten so depressing lately? I'm sorry - It'll get better soon I promise! <3


	36. Chapter 36

"Dan?" 

Dan woke up to the ragged whisper, slowly blinking his eyes before they shot open suddenly, turning violently to look towards Phil. The black haired boy looked scared as his lip quivered, propped halfway over Dan with a tentative hand on the brunette's shoulder. Dan stared up at Phil, mouth open in shock as he heard the voice that had been absent from his life for a full month.

"Phil!" Dan responded immediately, bringing a hand up to cup Phil's cheek, looking worriedly into the eyes that were brimming dangerously with tears. "What's wrong?"

Phil leaned into Dan's touch, closing his eyes which caused a few soft tears to trickle out, dripping down his cheeks as Dan brushed them away with his thumb. The blue eyed boy took in a deep, shaky breath before opening his eyes again, looking at Dan directly. 

"I miss him, Dan."

Dan's heart broke as he pulled his soulmate against his chest, running a hand through Phil's hair. "Shh... shhh... I know you do... I know, Phil. I miss him too."

Phil nodded into Dan's chest, but then pulled back again to look at him, biting his lip as he tried to stop the tears. 

"I miss him so much... but I miss you too. I'm... I want to start going back to normal." 

Dan let out a choked sob he didn't even know had been building in him, sitting up quickly to press his lips to Phil, drinking in the sense of his boyfriend who seemed more  _there_ than he had since Dan got his job two months ago. 

He pulled back softly, looking at Phil through gentle eyes. "If you're sure you're ready..." Dan brought up a hand to brush Phil's fringe out of his face and tuck a lock of hair behind his ear. "Then I am so happy to have you back." 

Phil paused for a moment before nodding hard, coming back down to kiss Dan desperately, his hands fumbling around the brunette's neck as Dan placed steadying fingers around Phil's waist. They moved together as one, desperate in their movements, but calm and loving in the emotion behind them. 

Dan had thought he had missed Phil, but he only realized now just how much as Phil pulled back to look him in the eye, breathing heavily as his blue eyes pierced Dan's, both filled with tears. 

"I love you so much, Dan. I've missed you."

Phil's voice was hoarse with lack of use, but his words weren't lost on Dan, and the brunette was overwhelmed with emotion, pulling Phil in for a hug, squeezing him as tightly as he could.

"I've missed you too. And I love you, Phil... more than you'll ever know." 

The boys stayed wrapped around each other, pressed together as tightly as they could, Dan turning his head to press a soft kiss to the side of Phil's hair, laughing suddenly at the realization that Phil was back. He was back, and Dan was never letting go of him again.

* * *

It wasn't a quick process, but five days later Phil was packing a bag and getting ready to go back to school. It was going to be tough - he'd missed a lot, but his professors had stayed in touch and promised him that they'd help catch him up. Phil was nervous, but Dan comforted him with a soft kiss and a long hug, and then Phil was gone and Dan smiled gently after him, knowing that the black haired boy would be okay.

Dan returned to his office that day and got caught up with things that had been happening. He apologized several times to everyone there, but each time he was shushed and assured that it was perfectly fine and they were just happy to have him back. 

Dan started planning for a new photoshoot - all of his so far had been serious mood pieces with dramatic sets and designs. This one was going to be very candid - a simple shoot in black and white that was supposed to capture the thing that Dominique had originally chosen him for; candid, real, and  _human_ beauty. He wanted to capture true happiness, and Dan was terrified.

Happiness hadn't been present in his life for several weeks, but he grit his teeth and reminded himself of the feeling when he'd first woken up to Phil's voice after weeks of silence. 

He could do this. He could show happiness.

When Dan got home, he made a nice home-cooked meal. Phil returned an hour later and smiled at the sight of Dan waiting with food, but Dan could tell it was forced. He didn't ask why though, simply walking up and giving Phil a sweet kiss and hug, and sitting down to eat. 

"I love you so much." Phil whispered as they fell asleep. "Thank you." 

As Dan wrapped his arms tighter around the black haired boy in his grasp, he drew in a deep breath and smiled.

Happy. He could do happy.

 


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for bearing with me with less frequent updates while I'm settling into Uni <3 It means a lot, and your comments help inspire me and get me through every day <3 love you all :)

"Mr. Howell, to your right a bit? That's right. Smile a bit bigger. Okay no, relax. Alright, now act as if you've just seen a double rainbow - a kitten - I don't know, something that makes you excited. Okay maybe not so much excited - content? Just channel the feeling 'happy'."

Dan followed the quickfire instructions, shifting this way and that, trying to make authentic expressions, but he knew it was strained and false. 

"Cut!" Dominique called after five more minutes of Dan being puppeteered by camera men. "Take five." People dispersed and Dan sighed, placing his hands on his hips to wait for Dominique to come up to him.

"Dan, what's going on? You seem off. I know you've had to be gone a while - is everything alright?" Dominique seemed genuinely concerned, and Dan gave him his best appreciative smile, looking at the ground and shuffling his feet. 

"No... everything's fine. I guess... I can do serious. I can do dramatic... that's all I've done here so far. I just... I don't know how to make myself look 'happy'." Dan lifted his hands up, making air quotes around the word he'd heard a million times that day. "It's just hard for me to pull on that when there's nothing to  _make_ me happy... you know?" 

Dominique thought a while, biting his lip in concentration. Dan pulled at his sweater sleeves, dressed in tight black jeans with a few rips, combat boots, and a large and thin baggy sweater. The shoot was in black and white, and he had no makeup on, his hair styled in natural curls that fell softly against his forehead. 

"You know... I didn't hire you because I thought you could play dramatic." Dominique murmured, his tone not requesting a response from Dan, simply stating the fact. Silence dragged on between the two of them for several moments before Dominique pulled away, clapping his hands to get people's attention. 

"Turn the five into thirty, take a break everyone, meet back here at four. Dan, come with me."

Dan nodded and followed Dominique into the dressing room, where Dominique told him to wait on a bench until he was called back. Confused, Dan did as he was told. 

Ten minutes passed, then twenty, then thirty. Dan was sure someone should be coming to find him - but no one did. Dan began to wonder if Dominique had forgotten about him. He almost decided to go out and ask, but eventually chose against it, knowing that Dominique wasn't the type of person to just forget. 

Once forty five minutes had passed, finally Dominique brought Dan out, a contemplative look on his face. They got back in front of the camera and turned on the lights, the camera men getting into place as the French director walked around, examining Dan from several angles. 

"Alright, Dan, turn to your left so you're at an angle towards us and look straight forward. Don't smile yet, when it's time, you'll know. Draw on this moment to find the happiness it brings you."

Dan nodded, confused about the instruction as he turned at the angle, looking forward at a large black curtain that was hung, similar to several others around the set, blocking off any lights other than the controlled ones for the shoot. He felt like he should be smiling, but the cameras weren't going yet, and he was just standing there. 

Silence took over the room as everyone seemed to be waiting for something - seemed to know something that Dan didn't, and he just stood there, awkwardly shuffling his limbs.

Finally after what seemed like ages, the black curtain shifted, and Dan's attention was immediately drawn back to the movement. He looked forward and remembered his direction;  _Whatever this is, I'm supposed to draw on the happiness it brings me._

The minute he saw the lanky black haired and blue eyed man, standing awkwardly as he looked around him, clearly unused to this environment, Dan's face broke out into a grin and he heard the shutters begin to go off. He chose to ignore them, simply gazing adoringly at his beautifully awkward boyfriend who stood there with his hands in his pockets, turned out in a way that made him look like he had claws and seemed ridiculously uncomfortable, but that just made Dan smile harder as his dimples caved deep in his cheeks. 

Dan heard whispers of, "Good, good." as the shutters continued to go off. He just smiled hugely at his soulmate who now looked back at him, mouth quirking upwards into a sideways smile with a shrug and wide eyes that said 'I don't know what I'm doing here, but hi.'

Dan laughed, admiring the way Phil's blue plaid shirt brought out his eyes, matched with black jeans and shoes. Without thinking, Dan gestured for Phil to come to him, and after a small glance over at Dominique Phil complied, stepping forward and taking Dan's outstretched hands. 

The brunette pulled Phil into a warm and soft kiss, not breaking his smile for a moment as he allowed the cameras to capture this. Phil giggled nervously back into his mouth, bringing his hands up to cup Dan's cheeks as Dan brought his grip to Phil's waist, holding him steady. 

They kissed a few times, small pecks through their smiles, and then pulled apart and just rested their foreheads against each other as Dan closed his eyes and smiled, breathing in the warm and comforting smell of home. 

The room was silent for several moments, save for the quiet shutter sounds, before Dan finally pulled away from Phil and pulled him into a warm hug from the side, looking back at Dominique. 

"You're tricky." he grinned, still holding his boyfriend and smiling as Dominique signaled the camera men to keep shooting. 

"I remembered why I chose you. You were with him, and the way you smiled at him made me see potential in you. You were struggling, so I decided to bring in your original inspiration for that smile." 

"He called me about forty minutes ago and I got on a bus." Phil whispered and Dan chuckled, pulling Phil closer to press a kiss to his temple, grinning widely. Usually he wasn't much for PDA, but the situation allowed for it, and honestly Dan didn't want to hold himself back right now. He hadn't felt this bubbly and happy and  _light_ since before James' death, and he suddenly realized just how much he missed Phil. He missed the easy, light conversation and sweet gestures and kisses. He missed being playful and loving, so he didn't hold himself back as he hugged and kissed his boyfriend, grinning into Phil's mouth as Phil awkwardly giggled.

"Smile, you're on camera." Dan whispered into Phil's lips. "You're officially in a  _Dominique Dubois_ shoot. Whaddya think of that?" Dan raised his eyebrows at Phil, giggling along with the black haired boy and pulling him into another hug, looking back at Dominique who just smiled and nodded. 

"That's a wrap!" the French man called, and people began to pack up to depart. Dominique approached the young couple, and Dan nearly barked out harsh laughter as Phil straightened up and adjusted his fringe to look presentable for Dan's boss. 

"Thank you, Mr. Lester."

"Phil is fine." Phil interrupted, then blushed and shrunk back, clearly embarrassed for speaking over Dominique, who just nodded graciously.

"Thank you, Phil. I'll be having a meeting tomorrow with Dan to look over some photos and get them approved for use - would you like to attend? I can't say for sure yet, but I'm almost certain we would love to use a photo with you in it as well, but I never use a photo that hasn't been approved by the people in it."

"Thank you, Mr Dubois." Phil stammered excitedly. "I'd love to come if it works with my schedule! I um... I'm kind of busy though, if it doesn't it's fine, you can use any photo really, I don't mind, I..." Phil stuttered on, clearly embarrassed and starstruck by the famous photographer and director in front of him.

"We'll work around your schedule - don't worry, Phil. When are you free?" 

The three of them set up a time for the next day and soon Dan and Phil were on the tube home, holding hands and giggling in elation and the completed shoot. 

"That was incredible!" Phil enthused, his face lit up in a way Dan hadn't seen in ages. He couldn't tear his gaze away from Phil's radiating smile, and he didn't even bother to try, staring unashamedly at his boyfriend. 

"Yeah, I really love it." Dan agreed, his own smile forming as a natural response to Phil's. 

"All the lights... and did you see those cameras? Those were so expensive - they're a new make and they're the top of the line..." Phil went on to babble about technical photography terms that Dan didn't understand, but eventually he cut his boyfriend off gently.

"Phil... you should talk to Dominique. Maybe he could help you - get you an internship, and maybe you could even end up working for him eventually. He has an assistant, but as far as I know he doesn't have an apprentice right now."

Phil's eyes went wide, squeezing Dan's hand tighter in his own. "Do you really think I could?" he asked, his voice raising in pitch. 

"I don't know." Dan replied honestly. "But I can ask him for you. Or you could, tomorrow at our meeting."

Phil nodded nervously, biting his lip. "Okay. I can't imagine he'll say yes, but... I'll try." 

Dan smiled at his soulmate, his dimples creating craters in his cheeks, beyond elated to see his boyfriend excited about something again. 

* * *

They got into the house and Dan led Phil inside by his hand, pushing the door shut and pulling Phil in for a sweet, slow kiss. "I love you. Thank you for helping me today." Dan whispered against Phil's lips.

"Thank you. For everything you've done recently... I haven't felt like this in a long time..." Phil murmured, and Dan smiled. Suddenly Phil's lips were back on his and Dan made a surprised noise, his eyebrows shooting up with his eyes still closed as Phil's hands made quick work of his shirt, tugging it over his head and tossing it across the room. 

"Phil..." Dan murmured through their kiss. "Are you sure..."

"Yes." the black haired boy cut him off, kissing him roughly and pushing him back towards the bedroom, surprising Dan with his assertiveness. "I've missed you... I want this."

"Okay." Dan responded weakly, unable to argue against that. 

Soon Phil's shirt was off too, and the rest of their clothes followed and then they were on the bed, Phil on top of Dan, kissing down on him hungrily as their bodies rolled together in a warm, electric flow. 

Phil's lips left Dan's and made their way to his neck, sucking soft marks there - nothing that would show in the morning, and Dan moaned, arching his back to press farther into Phil, craving his touch. 

Phil's lips continued their journey down, stopping to lap at Dan's nipple and then traveling farther down his torso until Dan's eyes went wide and he picked his head up, looking down in surprise at the boy who had pulled back now and was staring at Dan's half-hard cock, licking his lips in contemplation. 

"You don't have to..." Dan whispered, his heart beating out of his chest. No one had ever done this to him... he wasn't sure how it'd feel, but all he knew was he wanted Phil's mouth around him  _now -_ he wanted that warm, wet feeling around him, but he had to make sure Phil wanted this too. 

"I know." Phil responded, moving his gaze back up to meet Dan's eyes, brown meeting blue in an intense stare. "I want to." 

Dan's head flew back and his hands grasped at the bedsheets around him, clinging for some kind of purchase as Phil's hand came down to steady the base of Dan's cock, taking half of it in his mouth in the first go. It took all the strength Dan had not to jut his hips up into Phil's throat, but he kept himself still and let his tension out through squeezing and scrunching the duvet around him, high pitched whimpers and whines escaping his throat. 

Phil made slow explorations of this new territory, moving his mouth in time with his hand, licking and bobbing up and down, stalling sometimes to lick at the tip and head of Dan's cock, almost making the younger boy giggle with the ticklish sensation, then groaning loudly as Phil sank back down over him, surrounding Dan with his warmth. 

It didn't take long. Only two or three minutes before Dan was frantically tapping Phil's shoulder, stuttering the words to let his boyfriend know he was close. 

Phil pulled off and nodded, wiping his mouth with his hand before finding a tshirt in the laundry hamper and returning, stroking Dan to completion with his hand, jerking him through his orgasm, then moving up to his mouth to kiss him softly, lips pressing together gently as Dan tasted the bitter, metallic flavor of his own cum on Phil's lips. 

They cleaned off and pulled on fresh boxers, climbing into bed as Dan pulled Phil towards him, laying in their usual position of Dan on his back and Phil wrapped around his side like a koala. 

"I love you so much." Dan whispered as he turned out the light, pressing a soft kiss to Phil's forehead. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. I think I'm back though... for real this time."

"Good." Dan replied, hugging Phil tighter. "Don't feel bad about leaving again though. I understand. And I'll always be here when you return." 

Dan felt Phil smile and nod against his chest, and he let out a deep sigh, knowing that Phil may become distant again - he lost his dad and he wasn't about to get over that all overnight - but Dan knew Phil would come back, and he knew he'd be there every moment along the way.

 


	38. Chapter 38

Silence hung in the air.

Dominique's question of "So... what do you think?" bounced off the walls as the young soulmates stared in utter awe at the photos before them.

The pictures were in black and white, and you could see Phil's nervous smile - mouth closed and lips pursed slightly with his eyes in small crescents as Dan stared at him as if he held all the warmth and good of the world in his gaze. The brunette's dimples were caved and his face was crinkled into a smile Dan had never seen on himself. He'd never seen himself look so happy. 

The pictures evolved from there until they were kissing, and you could still see the smiles on their faces. Throughout the shoot Phil's smile became less inhibited and more relaxed as Dan's expression softened and turned to one of comfort, his hands holding Phil's face gently in soft gray tones. 

A few pictures found Dan and Phil turned away from each other and towards the camera, laughing hysterically, tears pooling in their eyes from the unusual situation, but within just a few frames Dan was holding Phil again, looking at each other as if nothing else existed. 

The silence dragged on as Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's waist from behind, resting his head on the black haired boy's shoulder and smiling softly into a kiss he placed on the side of Phil's neck. Phil nuzzled his head down on top of Dan's and sighed contentedly, bringing his hands down to cover Dan's on his stomach. 

Dominique watched the boys with a glint in his eye and the smallest of smiles tracing his lips, until Phil finally broke the silence. 

"I love them." came the small whisper. 

"I love  _you._ " Dan responded with a smile, gently pulling Phil around to give him a soft kiss. He turned his attention back to Dominique and smiled warmly. "Use any of them." Suddenly there were tears in his eyes as he looked back to Phil. "I spent so much time denying who I was and what I wanted. And once I finally accepted it, I was too scared to tell anyone." Phil squeezed Dan's hand reassuringly and Dan squeezed back, biting his lip. "I don't want to hide anything anymore. I want the world to know that I love this boy, and if they see these-" Dan indicated the screen with the photos by raising a finger and nodding his head in its direction. "and still think that there's something  _wrong_ with it..." Dan craned his head to look around and see Phil's face, smiling gently at the wide eyed boy in his arms. "then they don't know what true love is." Dan finished, pressing his lips gently to Phil's cheek, one tear gently spilling over as he remembered how much he'd put Phil through in the beginning of their relationship when he was still so scared and unsure.

"Alright." Dominique stated after a moment. "Phil, you agree?" 

Dan smiled as Phil frantically nodded his head, and when he turned his face to look at Dan, there were tears in his wide blue eyes. "Yeah." Phil breathed, the sound coming out tight and choked, and Dan smiled through his soft tears, kissing the spot between Phil's eyebrows and then pulling him in for a hug. 

"I'll tell you when and where they're published. Thank you." The French man gestured gently for them to leave and Dan let go of Phil reluctantly, lacing their fingers together and leading his tearful boyfriend out and to a taxi that took them home. 

* * *

Phil fell asleep on Dan's shoulder in the taxi.

Dan smiled through the rearview mirror at the driver, who gave him a small smile and a light laugh, whispering, "You two are very sweet together."

"Thank you." Dan whispered back. When they got to the flat Dan frowned and looked up at the driver. "Could you maybe circle the blocks a few more times... just so he's really asleep and I can carry him inside without waking him?"

The cab driver nodded with a warm smile and did as requested. Dan rested his head atop Phil's and played with the boy's hair absently. The tears surprised him when they began to prick at the back of his eyes - not forming yet, but threatening to. 

Dan frowned - he was happy. Why did he feel so heavy all of a sudden? He'd just been thinking of how far he'd come - how he'd been so scared at first, but then he warmed up to who he was and to Phil and he was accepted in by Phil, by their friends, by Catherine and James...

Just then, it hit him.

James.

Dan had been sad when James died - angry and devastated even for a while - but he'd had to put his own feelings away very shortly in order to take care of Phil and Catherine. He'd shoved them down in order to be the strong one they both needed, but now suddenly all the grieving he hadn't done was catching up to him, and Dan felt his vocal chords pull tight. 

When the driver finally parked he handed them a sizable tip and gently scooped Phil out of the car, the boy dead asleep in his arms. 

He got them inside and laid Phil in the bed before making his way to the lounge and pulling out his phone. 

He found a picture on his phone, and the minute he saw it a loud choked sound escaped from deep in his chest as he brought a hand up to cover his mouth, tears immediately forming and spilling over as he pulled his knees up to his chest. 

The picture was from Christmas. It was of the whole family together in front of the tree right after dinner. Dan and Phil had their arms wrapped around each other - their cheeks flushed, and Dan remembered that it was because just minutes before this picture had been taken they'd been out in the snow and they'd kissed and gotten back together. It'd just been minutes before and here they were, blushing and red-nosed from the cold as Catherine and James hugged them. Looking at the picture now, Dan noticed that Catherine was looking into the camera because she'd been lining up the shot and taking the picture, but James' gaze rested upon the boys, and if there was any doubt in Dan's mind in the past that James had been fooled by their story of being together when they weren't, it was gone now. The warmth in his expression made it clear that he'd known all along, and the way he looked at Dan reminded the brunette so much of the way a father would stare at his son.

Sobs racked Dan's body as he curled the phone into his chest, rocking back and forth as he tightened into the smallest ball he could form, biting his knuckles hard. He missed James. 

One night, soon before the boys had left for Manchester, Phil had been staying late at school to work with a councilor on his application for Manchester, and Catherine had been at work. James had asked Dan what he wanted for dinner, and the two of them had made sushi together from scratch. James had taught him how to roll sushi, and they'd belted loudly to Muse (which Dan and Phil had managed to convince James to listen to, and then hooked him on) as they'd danced around the kitchen, rolling up logs of fish, avocado, cucumber, rice, seaweed, and more. 

Over dinner they'd talked, and the conversation had become a bit more serious when James brought up the future. He'd talked to Dan about how Phil was strong - but he put out so much energy to be strong for others that sometimes little things he'd suppress would build up over time, and he'd end up breaking down. He'd told Dan about the warning signs he'd noticed watching Phil grow up, and Dan had promised him that he'd do his best to help Phil talk about things as they happened and not bottle it all up.

James had told Dan that even though it probably wouldn't be for a while and he wasn't sure which one of them would be taking the lead on this, that Dan had his full permission to marry his son. Dan had been a bit taken aback by the statement, but he'd thanked James, who'd smiled and pulled him in for a hug. The conversation took a turn there, and Dan had ended up crying, speaking about things he hadn't even remembered happening - things he'd blocked out from his childhood involving his parents. 

James had listened and helped Dan through it, being there for him when Dan broke down, horrifying memories resurfacing about things he'd seen his parents do to each other - things his parents had done to him.

James had talked Dan through it and helped him calm down, and when Phil and Catherine returned, Dan was alright. That night he'd laid in bed with Phil, smiling at his boyfriend who was already fast asleep, and his eyebrows had raised when he heard a soft knock at the door.

"Come in." Dan had whispered, and James had peeked the door open just a few inches, then tiptoed into the room.

"Hey. I just wanted to check in on you after our talk today. Are you doing alright?"

Dan's heart had swelled - no adult had ever been there for him in that way before, and he'd cried into Phil's hair as his boyfriend slept. James had sat there and when Dan finally thanked him and promised that he was alright, James had left.

James never brought it up again and he never told anyone, and Dan didn't either. He did, however, notice little glances James would make towards him, making sure he was okay with nonverbal conversations spoken through their eyes. 

Now he was gone.

The one man Dan had ever been able to look up to as a father was gone.

Curling up next to Phil in bed that night, Dan wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and wept into his hair again - but this time there was no man to be there by his side, holding his arm and just waiting - just being there to  _be there_ in case Dan needed him.

Dan fell asleep with tears in his eyes, and even though he'd never believed in the afterlife, he prayed that James would hear his gratitude and know that Dan missed him. 

 

 


	39. Chapter 39

It'd been a month since the photoshoot was released. 

A month where Dan learned how to grieve - no longer ignoring his own pain. A month in which he even told Phil about some of that pain... but not everything. 

A month where Phil got an internship with Dominique and Dan never needed encouragement to smile anymore during shoots, because all he had to do was look to the adorable blue eyed man crouching behind a camera, trying to get the perfect angle, and his cheeks would stretch into a grin for him. 

A month where Dan's parents tried to contact him once and Phil sat with Dan as he cried, eventually resolving to delete the cruel messages regarding the released photos, blocking the numbers so they couldn't harass him anymore.

A month where Dan stopped feeling so much like a boy, and started feeling more like a man. He wasn't there yet - but he'd realized that being an adult didn't mean being happy all the time. It didn't mean finding a perfect life or having things easy. It meant knowing how to deal with issues and being independent - not ignoring grief and learning how to take care of yourself. And Dan was working towards that... and overall, he really was happier. 

 

* * *

 

 

It'd been four months since the photoshoot was released.

Phil was making an excellent impression on Dominique, who'd told Dan in secrecy that he was considering giving Phil an official job title. 

Dan and Phil were getting more comfortable with their relationship, exploring more physical aspects that Dan had been too scared of in the past.

Phil was getting good grades in University and was falling in love with the art of photography.

Dan was being brought in to plan more and more of the shoots - Dominique constantly affirming that he truly had skill for direction.

* * *

 

It'd been a year since the photoshoot was released. 

Phil had a job with the agency.

Dan had finally broken down one night and opened up to Phil - telling him all about his past with his parents.

Phil was supportive.

Dan thought maybe... just _maybe_ he could do this.

* * *

 

It'd been four years since the photoshoot was released.

Phil had graduated University and gotten a full time job as one of Dominique's leading photographers. 

Dan was being sought out by multiple companies to appear in their magazines, and Dominique's work truly was making an impact on the modeling industry and all of Hollywood - promoting real beauty as opposed to unrealistic standards. 

Dan and Phil had done several interviews and now got recognized on the street sometimes.

Dan was nervous.

The box in his pocket was heavy.

* * *

It'd been five years since the photoshoot was released. 

Dan couldn't believe the man walking down the aisle chose to be his.

Phil's eyes were glinting with tears - bright blue to match the small flowers that sprouted from his lapel. 

The soulmates said their vows.

Both men cried.

* * *

 

It'd been seven years since the photoshoot was released.

Dan and Phil made sure Catherine was there when they first met their daughter.

"Sasha" they named her.

Dan thought the love you felt for a soulmate could never be equalled.

He'd been wrong.

* * *

 

It'd been twelve years since the photoshoot was released.

Phil was still working as a photographer, but now Dan had stepped away from the limelight and had moved to direction.

He preferred it, to be honest.

Phil was an incredible dad.

He had no idea what he was doing, but he tried so hard.

Dan loved him so much.

So did Sasha.

* * *

It'd been sixty two years since the photoshoot was released.

Dan cried as the woman before him held his hand, her green eyes wet as her lip trembled.

She was sad.

But he wasn't.

His tears were happy - he'd gotten to watch her grow into such a strong and beautiful woman.

How could he be sad?

An old man with gray hair came up next to her and took Dan's other hand, trembling as tears spilled out of his bright blue eyes that had never lost their youth.

Dan smiled at the man - because how could he not? How could he be sad when he got to live an entire long, happy life with the man who made it all worth living.

He wasn't sad.

He was happy.

"I love you so much, Dan." Phil whispered as Dan's eyes began fluttering shut and he felt blackness begin to take over. 

With his last bit of strength he tightened his grip on his soulmate's hand and whispered their parting words.

"Hey... Phil." he rasped, his voice coming out choppy - almost as if it were recorded on an old record that was skipping. "Did you know that cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream laying down? I promise I'll dream of you forever."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say once again thank you all so much for sticking with me while I'm getting used to University - I definitely haven't been able to upload as much as I could over the summer and I'm sorry for that, but hopefully I can still bring smiles to your faces here and there when I am able to get work out :) <3 love you all <3
> 
> I also am very sorry - I know some of you really wanted to see more in depth futures written out and maybe I'll do that someday for this fic, but right now it felt like it needed an end, and I have some really fun new ideas that I hope you'll all enjoy. Thank you all so much - this fic has truly been a blast, and maybe someday I'll revisit these last few years and go more in depth :) We'll see :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12004497) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account)




End file.
